Just in time for Christmas, Boca Raton's Town Center Mall today will unveil a new gold ATM machine! It's a great idea because "gold has a place in everyone's portfolio," according to a Florida gold trader. Gold To Go!

The latest trend sweeping Dubai, the rich people capital of the universe: solid gold temporary tattoos for special occasions like weddings. They last for about a week and only cost $50. Wait, $50? That's nothing. Luxury for everyone!

"In the Incas, or the Mayans, they say gold was the sweat from the sun, or tears, you know." Yes. Mr. T is a spokesman for a mail-in gold-buying company. "The Ark of the Covenant," etc. Isn't that something?

Glenn Beck has been lambasted for being a Goldline huckster. But for the fourth straight day in world markets, the price of gold has broken previous records, trading at $1,313.45 per ounce. A weaker dollar means a richer Beck!

Congressman Ron Paul says it's a "possibility" that there's no gold at Fort Knox or the New York Fed. He may be right about the latter: The bad guys in Die Hard 3 did steal a lot of that gold.

The Way We Live Now: literally sitting on stacks of gold bullion. How you like that, ma? While the world fights over bus routes and the city fathers are getting evicted, here we sit, blinged, ringed, done, badumbumbum.

Almost every night, Fox News host Glenn Beck helps rip off his own viewers by encouraging them to buy gold through a shady business called Goldline. Via The Big Picture, here's a great infographic showing exactly how the scam works.

Gold prices rose above $1,250 per ounce today, the highest price ever. Downside: it's a reaction of panicked investors to the ongoing total collapse of the European and, yes, global economies. Upside: it's a great time for chain-snatchers. Tie.

This seems like the physical embodiment of a Jeff Foxworthy joke. "You might me a redneck if...instead of playing golf you just try to kill everything in sight with a giant gun!"

The Way We Live Now: Feeling that sickening whooooooooaaaaaaa feeling in our guts again. You know that one? It's the feeling you get when the market's tanking, your employees are quitting, and masked bandits just made off with your gold.

Luxury still exists, in a vending machine in Abu Dhabi's Emirates Palace hotel. GOLD To Go is a German invention that monitors the price of gold and dispenses bars and customizable coins. This is its international debut. Sparkly! [AP, Awl]

South Carolina Representative Mike Pitts has introduced legislation that would ban money, for being unconstitutional.

According to the New York Times anyway. They say men have accounted for three in four of the jobs lost in this recession, pay and prospects for women are increasing and thus that men are becoming worthless leeches with penises.

On December 31 everyone is thinking about ways to improve themselves for the coming year. Why bother? That will all be forgotten by February 12, and then you'll still have problems and be a failure. But we're here to help!

Something's gone terribly wrong at Fox News—they keep responding to criticism as if it's valid! Someone at the network sent a letter to Glenn Beck wondering why he's always constantly shilling for gold.

Politico has a great story (no fooling!) about how people who play on the fears of the old and scared have formed a mutually beneficial alliance. Conservative pundits and gold-selling scam artists have joined forces to rip you off!

The Way We Live Now: Solution-oriented. Problem: We're hundreds of billions of dollars in debt. Solution: Hoard gold, buy life insurance, and kill ourselves.

The Way We Live Now: Waving goodbye to Mr. Nice Guy. In the good old days, we were free to shoplift without being beaten to death, and to live in the suburbs without being eaten by coyotes. No more.

The Way We Live Now: Dashed upon the rocks of destiny. The dream of leaving the city behind to luxuriate in the fresh mountain air is finished. Sell everything, buy gold, and bail out. The Fourth of July is dead!

How poor are people, these days? So poor that rappers can't afford to wear half-million-dollar chains any more! That's the thesis of a story which is surely false (nobody could ever really afford to wear a half-million-dollar chain), but it raises the question: what is the post-bling thing?