America is a nation in need of healing. But no healing shall be had. Because two of our most important toothpaste manufacturers are locked in legal battle to the death over the future of nurdles. Nurdles on packages. Toothpaste packages.

For some inscrutable Hitchensian reason, Observer party boy Spencer Morgan tried on a pair of Spanx, the cinching plastic panties so supposedly trendy they've been deemed worthy of this week's cover. His verdict? "In a nutshell—no pun intended—Spanx on a dude are no good." Also, "A fart in a pair of Spanx has no where to go. The gaseous beast is forced to put up a great trashing fight to escape, so much so that one can't help but take note of its struggles." How does Oprah tolerate this? [NYO]