Let's all let out the deep breaths we've been holding in anticipation of the G.I. Joe sequel (wouldn't it be great if this was actually a G.I. Jane sequel? Wait, would it? We'll never know!). Yes, it is here and it looks, I don't know, violent? Action packed? Explosive? It's certainly got all the trimmings of a summer blockbuster flick. There's a ninja sword fight on the face of a mountain. Cue the exclamation points.

We think she looks great and is great, but Hollywood wrote her off for a while, and is now bringing her back in sad old lady roles. It's not fair. Also today: Wentworth Miller is trying to figure out what to do now that he's out of prison, Aaron Sorkin might make fun of himself, and sad news about a promising pilot.

Action toys have finally found a place to vent their emotions: YouTube! These are kind of like excerpts from an R-rated, live-action Toy Story, if there's such a thing. In one, Snow Patrol Commando rants about racism in the workplace:

You've laughed at Conan's withering monologue takedowns of NBC and Jay Leno. But Fox is really serious about wanting Conan on their network. It's too bad an almost hilarious contract oversight might rob Conan of his $45 million breach-of-contract award.

It only took a decade, but Us Weekly finally got their dirty clutches on video of actor Channing Tatum taking it all off for a crowd horny Florida ladies. It's his best work since Step Up 2: The Streets.

The critics think her first big-budget movie sucks. The Washington Post thinks Sienna Miller's famous for no reason. But just wait until you see how Vogue goes after her in The September Issue! This girl's got it bad.

• Two years after he was booted from MSNBC and CBS Radio for making racist comments, Fox Business is now in talks to team up with Don Imus. [LAT]
• Is Hachette selling Elle? The company seems to be hedging. [AdAge]
• Magazine publishers are allowing advertisers to slap their ads just about any place they want these days. They're also planning to keep printing those annoying subscription cards until the end of time. [NYT, AdAge]
• ABC is planning a big programming push for the fall with seven new series set to debut, which is roughly double what NBC and CBS have planned. [USAT]
• CNBC's ratings are down big, in case you haven't heard. [Guardian]
• G.I. Joe was No. 1 at the box office this weekend, grossing an estimated $56 million. Julie and Julia came in second place with $20.1 million. [Variety]

G.I. Joe wasn't screened for critics because Paramount wanted to market the movie to Middle Amerikkka without being judged. Critical reviews are finally coming in. They're going to be bad, it's just a matter of how bad. And how bad?

Orlando Bloom passes on playing Will Turner to be with his girlfriend, Megan Fox thinks zombies are sexy, Tara Reid is quite skinny, Paris Hilton claims to have inspired Michael Jackson and Amy Winehouse almost dies after a binge.

We've already pointed out a chilling similarity between Michael Jackson and Watchmen's Rorschach.

We brought this on ourselves. Mere days ago, we wondered, "Why are there no leaked pictures of Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Cobra Commander in G.I. Joe?" And oh, how the internet obliged!

We typically regard the upcoming G.I. Joe movie as a necessity we'll have to suffer through before the Jerry Bruckheimer-produced Garbage Pail Kids epic, but that's not to say there aren't elements that intrigue us.

As we bide our time waiting for the inevitable $200 million feature adaptation of Captain N: The Game Master (Zac Efron, call your agent), Paramount has unveiled new details on its latest strip-mining of 80's nostalgia: G.I. Joe. Directed by failing-upward Stephen Sommers (Van Helsing), Joe is all set for a summer 2009 release, but that doesn't mean it's too soon to reveal three new teaser posters and a new, utterly superfluous subtitle: G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra. Sadly, none of the teaser posters show off the film's most curious bit of casting — Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Cobra Commander — though the film's new subtitle seems to hint that Cobra won't be donning his live-action costume until everyone's bullshit detectors receive a proper workout.

Actors have finally been found to play the two soldiers in the G.I. Joe crew who most resemble members of the Village People. At least, according to movie scoop site Latino Review they have. G.I. Joe, Steven Sommer's tentpole movie about the legendary action figures, will be hitting theaters in the summer of '09. And so far, the casting news has been pretty ho-hum — you've got your Sienna Millers, you've got your Ray Parks — but today that all changes, thanks to Brendan Fraser and the Rock.

Earlier today, we were introduced to Alex "Writer-For-Hire" Perez, the affordable, amazingly versatile scab extraordinaire who may very soon find himself with all the strike-violating work he can handle if the WGA's membership takes to whatever's left of the charred streets of Los Angeles around November 1st. Today's LAT runs down some of the projects that could be touched by the pinch-hitting scribe's genius should harried Guild writers scrambling to meet their deadlines fail to turn in drafts the studios can quickly convert into the substandard product they'll slap up on multiplex screens while strikers burn through their bank accounts: