The city of Boston is like that childhood best friend you introduce to adult friends with repeated reassurances like, "Sometimes he flips over cars when he's drunk, but he's really great" and "Yes, he wears khakis, but he's incredibly liberal thinker" and "No, really, he talks funny, but just give him a chance." And then, you bring him to a cocktail party, he jumps onto a table to scream "Go Sawks!" and pukes in the punch bowl.

Tired of all the rumors that were not flying around regarding her wedding, Janet Jackson surprised the world today by announcing (apropos of nothing?) that she and obscenely wealthy Qatari businessman Wissam Al Mana have been married since last year.

As we spend the day arguing over a satirical tweet about a Hollywood awards show, more than 12 million Americans remain unemployed. Millions more have dropped out of the labor force entirely. The upcoming sequester deal could cause sharp cuts in unemployment benefits. Each week, we bring you true stories of unemployment, from the unemployed themselves. This is what's happening out there.

Was anyone even surprised when Kristen Stewart showed up to last night's Oscars ceremony hobbling on crutches, looking disheveled as all get out? Bedraggled disarray is just her natural state. Of course Charlize Theron wore Dior. Of course Kristen Stewart's arms were covered in mysterious bruises.

Christ has finally chosen to reveal himself in the form of bird droppings on an Ohio man's windshield. From ABC's local news bureau:

All TechCrunch founder Michael Arrington wanted was a simple life, with a simple boat, so that he might draw out his remaining days in peaceful aquatic seclusion. Chartering retired couples and young honeymooners on day trips, resolving the quarrels of local fisherman, nibbling on sponge cake and watching the sun bake all of those tourists covered in oil. He was done with the game, and he thought the game was done with him.

People get into acting for all sorts of reasons. Because they relish exploring the complexities of the human spirit; because they majored in Art History and are otherwise unemployable; because they lubba-lubba-love gift bags. Mostly it's the gift bags.

Diane Lane Brolin filed papers to divorce from Josh Brolin and will return to her maiden name, thank you very much. The couple certainly shared ostensibly happy times on the red carpet, but doesn't she look like she's gonna cry a little bit in this photo?

Did you know that the federal government is on track to enact massive, across-the-board spending cuts one week from today—cuts that that could affect important government services, cost hundreds of thousands of people their jobs and greatly slow the growth of the economy? No? You didn't? It's okay: it's an incredibly boring story. But don't worry! We're going to make it interesting, the only way we know how: by putting it in the mouths of attractive famous people. Here now: Ryan Gosling and Kate Upton explain the sequester.

Over the last hundred or so years, the FBI has developed a reputation for being kind of a serious place to work. Judging from a series of newly-leaked disciplinary memos though, many of its employees are no better behaved than those of your average drug cartel.

A broken piñata shaped like a dinosaur. An HP LaserJet printer infested with bed bugs. An old, empty potato chip bag they found under the bleachers. All of these things would make for a better lay than Kristen Stewart, a millionaire movie star currently in her peak fertility age, according to a recent survey of British men.

Outspoken sonic collagist/"Paper Planes" sing-songer/truffle fries enthusiast M.I.A. is alleging that the Grammys ripped off a recent stage set of hers. On Twitter, she proclaimed, "IM KEEPING A STEAL LOG THIS YEAR HERE THE ONE FOR JAN / FEB >MIA $500 : GRAMMYS $5000000."

At last, the unattainable glamour of the mailman is within your sweaty grasp: the U.S. Postal Service announced Tuesday plans to release a fashion line for men. (Estimated delivery date for a women's line: unknown.)

The voicemail inbox of America's Randomest Guy is blowing up like crazy today, after word has broken that Britney Spears is dating him. That guy? Yes, your friend Dave. That boring old Dave who we all know and never thought about much until he started dating Britney Spears.

When Michelle Obama debuted her bangs last month, America was like, "Ohmygod. Your hair..." and Michelle was like, "I just got it cut! Do you like it?" and America was like, "It's so...bangs," and Michelle was like, "Haha, thanks!"

Music mogul Clive Davis came out in his memoir, The Soundtrack of My Life, but it is one of his protégés who's expressing "It Gets Better" sentiment — to herself. First season American Idol winner and occasional shit-talker Kelly Clarkson has hit back at some claims in Davis' book on her blog. Her missive, of course, begins "Hey y'all." Clarkson continues:

The Sunday Styles section of the New York Times exists to make folks mad, to be sure (and to sell handbag ads), but it is not really worth getting mad about this past weekend's paired section-front irritants—a profile of BuzzFeed editor-in-chief Ben Smith, and a trend piece about people forsaking Brooklyn to hipsterize towns in the Hudson Valley—at least not at face value. Each hits the obvious flabbergasting or infuriating notes as it is designed to: OMG LOL BuzzFeed b/w Aren't Hipsters Awful. As far as the intentional content goes, there's nothing to do but roll one's eyes and move on. Let's go ahead and do that, shall we? First BuzzFeedBen:

Country singer Mindy McCready committed suicide Sunday afternoon, according to a report from NBC's Andrea Canning. McCready's life and career has been in steady decline since her debut 1996 album, Ten Thousand Angels, which sold over 2 million copies. Since then, she's battled with substance and mental health issues, including several overdoses and arrests. Her 2013 had been especially turbulent; in early Feburary, she entered a rehab program, just three weeks after David Wilson, McCready's boyfriend and the father of her nine-month-old son, reportedly killed himself.

While clubbing in London last night, Rihanna was injured when a man "enraged" by her reunion with King Scumbag Chris Brown threw a bottle of Lucozade (think British Gatorade) at her. She fell to the ground and cut her leg, but was otherwise unhurt.

Early Saturday morning, a trio of thieves made off with $2 million in jewelry from a Jacob & Co. case in the lobby of Manhattan's Four Seasons Hotel. Although the New York Post insists on identifying the robbers as "slick," this wasn't exactly Ocean's Three.