Why does the universe continue to test Justin Bieber?

A recently uncovered essay by Robert Louis Stevenson, author of Treasure Island, the Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and other things on your fifth grade summer reading list, shows that the Scottish writer was kind of a curmudgeon when it came to his contemporaries. Basically, he thought they were such a drag.

After a brief and panic-inducing sabbatical, Twinkies are coming back, now that investors have scooped them up from the dying Hostess corporation. The big question now: who can be trusted to represent this storied American chemical product?

Page Six reports today that Scott Sassa, the president of the entertainment and syndication division of publishing giant Hearst, is "quitting" (in the sense of "being ordered to quit") in the wake of a horrifying scandal. What is the scandal that is so bad it abruptly ends the career of a high powered media executives? He was sending text messages of a sexual nature to a consenting adult female.

Fans of the mid-2000s series Veronica Mars are putting their money on the table to get their much beloved TV-show made into a movie. Donators broke records, raising a million dollars in four hours and 24 minutes. Total funds raised are $1,332,984, as of these words.

Alas, it seems that Miley Cyrus' wedding/Super Sweet 16 three-part organza extravaganza blowout bash will not happen after all; Page Six reports that she and Australian actor Liam Hemsworth have separated.

Possibly not coincidental with the recent resurgence of David Bowie's musical stylings, scientists have discovered a possibility of life on Mars. OH WOW WHAT DID THE ALIENS LOOK LIKE AND DID THEY HAVE LITTLE SHELTERS AND WERE THERE COOL PLANTS?

Roman Catholic cardinals gathered today to start the process of electing a new Pope, kicking off the morning with a solemn Mass and prayers that they would select the right leader. Because these guys are great at symbolism, they will vote in the Sistine Chapel below the painting of the Last Judgment.

It's been almost nine months since Ann Curry's body was roughly shoved into a supply closet marked "FOR EMERGENCIES" at 30 Rockefeller Center, and her former co-host Matt Lauer has just given birth to a whopper of a story about her departure.

Normal boy Justin Bieber seems poised to turn his weird, bad week into a weird, bad fortnight. The singer abruptly canceled the second of two scheduled Portuguese concert appearances just days before he was expected to perform.

For a solid week now, media types have been discussing the ethical and economic quandaries of asking writers to write for free. For—oh, about a decade and a half now, at least—media types have been discussing how the internet might affect the longstanding economic model of journalism as an industry. Now, one of most highly credentialed media thinkers in America weighs in with a proposal: Hey, someone should do something about that.

When we first met Holly Madison, she was heroically rescuing the iconic Landsdowne portrait of George Washington from the 1814 Burning of Washington by British troops. No, wait. That's Dolley Madison. When we first met Holly Madison, it was on an episode of Cribs. She was living at the Playboy Mansion with a bunch of similarly proportioned women, calling Hugh Hefner "Puffin," and pleading with him to put a ring on it. He refused, because he would never marry again. She seemed perfectly nice.

A five-month undercover investigation conducted by the Humane Society found that major Manhattan department stores were guilty of failing to label fur on their coats. This is in violation of New York state law that went into a effect a year ago, that requires all real fur to be labeled clearly so consumers understand what they are purchasing. If an item of clothing contains any real fur, the label must clearly detail the kind of fur and the country of origin.

Peggy Noonan, a woman, of America, is a political columnist, yes. But first, she is an American. She does not go in for all the "data" and "numbers" and "relevant facts" mumbo-jumbo that clouds the political debates of our fine nation. Leave the "worthwhile" political theories for Nate Silver and other dewy younglings; Peggy Noonan will weave her own columns not out of "polls," but out of hazy, gin-soaked memories of Ronald Reagan, and trips to Brooklyn street fairs, and yard signs viewed out of her car window. And now: Peggy Noonan has taken a trip to a hotel. A hotel—in America.

Kelly Osbourne was rushed to a hospital during a taping of her E! show Fashion Police today, after she suffered an apparent seizure on set.

People who consume lots of processed meat run a greater risk of a premature death and are more likely to develop cancer and heart disease, according to a new study. But don't worry! Scientists still say you can eat meat—just no more than one tiny sausage a day.

The sloppy winter storm that passed through the nation's midsection over to the mid-Atlantic today should move up the coast Wednesday evening into early Friday, bringing up between 2-8 inches of snow to the New York metro area over the next few days.

This is some Indiana Jones level stuff right here. Scientists may have uncovered the Viking "sunstone," a magical-sounding crystal whose powers to locate the sun despite cloud cover, snow, and darkness were understandably considered to be a legend. A group of researchers think a cloudy crystal found in an Elizabethan shipwreck off the Channel Islands may have been the mystical sunstone—thought to be one of the secrets of the Vikings' legendary navigational skills on the seas.

Federal offices in D.C. were shut down as a "sloppy winter storm" migrated from the Midwest, aiming to throw down four to six inches of snow onto the capital today.

Convicted fraudster and mother-looter Anthony Marshall was caught attempting to scam party-goers celebrating the building of the Titanic II. Marshall tried to hawk a century-old Astor family heirloom—one that he said was worn by his grandfather John Jacob Astor IV when he died aboard the Titanic in 1912. Turns out, the watch that Marshall was trying to sell never boarded the Titanic.