The Olympics are here. And with them, a whole mess of sports to watch. How to decide? By reading our definitive rankings, and making your programming choices accordingly. Duh.

In a surprising turn of events, it seems singer Carly Rae Jepsen, who has been on a denial spree regarding fake nude photos and a fake sex tape that have appeared on the web in recent weeks, has concurrently been trying to keep real X-rated pics from being posted online.

If you already thought your tweets were some of the most important literature being crafted during this modern age, just wait until the Olympics when your every thought will have the power to turn a town's Ferris wheel yellow, purple, or green.

It is a beautiful day for gay men and all people who love ridiculousness. TVbytheNumbers reports: "Fox entertainment chief Kevin Reilly announced at the network's TCA session that Mariah Carey has officially signed on to judge the upcoming season of American Idol." Mariah Carey being forced to say many words on live-ish television is only a good thing for pop culture. You know how she gets.

Bradley Wiggins won biking's biggest this weekend, becoming the first Briton in history to claim first place in the Tour de France. He beat out other bikers by a huge margin of three minutes and twenty-one seconds.

The homemade explosives, incendiary liquid containers, and jugs full of bullets inside James Holmes booby-trapped apartment "show the intensity and focus" of the 24-year-old suspected of perpetrating the largest mass shooting in American history.

North America's two largest movie theater chains, AMC and Regal Cinemas, released statements Friday afternoon updating their policies on acceptable theater attire.

Please click through for a gallery of images from last night's shooting in Aurora.

In bizarro Pennsylvania news, over 200 chihuahuas were seized from a home in Benton on Thursday. Obviously some horrifically strange person lived there, but this is sort of a sad case – as opposed to just being weird – because many of the dogs were sick or already dead. The surviving dogs will all be in animal shelters by Friday, where they'll be treated by veterinarians and, if deemed healthy/sane enough, put up for adoption. Mike Pechart, who oversees dog law enforcement at the Pennsylvania Agriculture Department, hit the nail on the head when he described the situation as, "an unfortunate situation of animal hoarding."

For many, eggs' chief uses lie in the fields of weaponry, holiday decoration, and design inspiration.

An assload of "Let's Have a Kiki" remixes just dropped, and it's just as well: you can never have too much kiki.

Heartthrob Joseph Gordon-Levitt deeply disappointed many a female fan last week when he appeared to side with Adam Carolla in the ongoing "are women funny" debate.

Tinglan Hong, the mother of Hugh Grant's infant daughter, has just won a pledge from a leading celebrity photo agency promising not to actively make her life miserable (within 100 meters of her home) because she had sex with Hugh Grant that one time.

Near-suicidal despair. That is what many Americans have earned from this recession. Yesterday, we asked for stories from those of you who are or have been unemployed. We've been flooded with responses. Today, ten stories from economy's bad side.

If you are reading these words from a hospital, chances are you either are about to or already have died. Very sorry that's how things shook out for you, but that's what you get for going to the hospital in July.

It's a very darling sort of year for the Emmys with critical/Internet/real people favs like Girls, Breaking Bad, Homeland, Downton Abbey, Game of Thrones, Parks and Recreation and 30 Rock popping up in multiple categories. Mad Men and American Horror Story lead with 17 nominations. Somewhat weirdly, American Horror Story qualifies for the miniseries categories because, as Vulture explained earlier this year, "the miniseries distinction is reserved for programming that has a story line that gets resolved in a single season." This logic led the first season of Downton Abbey to be considered by the Emmys as a miniseries last year, although that was bullshit then (clearly Mary and Matthew had more heart-dragging to do — no one could have possibly thought that the first season finale constituted resolution). It's a bit more understandable in the case of American Horror Story, which will focus on an entirely different story every season, but it's still a little weird since we know several characters from last time around will return. (Actually, word is that returning actors will not be reprising their Season 1 roles but take up all new ones. Jessica Lange, for example, is supposed to play a nun.) No matter - whatever it takes for a show so batshit crazy to be regarded as distinguished is fine with me.

In an anti-climatic finish to the Court Case of the Century, hedge fund manager Daniel Shak withdrew his lawsuit seeking his share of his ex-wife's million dollar shoe collection. Beth Shak, the ex-wife, and, according to the New York Post, a "pretty pro poker player," denied any wrong doing, saying Mr. Shak knew about the collection and even encouraged it. As Ms. Shak told the Post:

On Wednesday, Forbes released its annual list of the 20 top-earning TV actresses. Modern Family's Sofia Vergara came in first. Who knew, right? Good for her.

Bret Easton Ellis, who drew rage-blogger Nikki Finke's wrath after I alerted her to a Twitter post he wrote outing her as a resident of his West Hollywood apartment building—which post in turn led me to find a unit in his building that had been recently purchased by Finke's employer, Penske Media—is continuing his hilarious pushback against the Hollywood fearmonger. Today, he told the Hollywood Reporter that her behavior is "harassing and unacceptable" and lambasted the "Hollywood morons who think they have to live in Nikki Finke's French Royal Court and be completely secretive." He also accused her, again on Twitter, of sending "hectoring, threatening, vaguely litigious e-mails" to her building's management.

A former household staffer and tutor for Rupert Mudoch and Wendi Deng's children is speaking out for the first time about the relentless nightmare that is working for the Murdochs: Screaming tantrums, nannies discarded by the side of the road on a whim, no benefits, unpaid overtime, young girls body-shamed by their mother—and near abandonment for workers injured on the job.