It was a very good week for very cold things. Absolute zero - theoretically, the lowest possible temperature - just became a little less sure of itself, the smug thing. Physicists in Germany believe that they have created an ultracooled gas that goes "beyond absolute zero" into negative Kelvin temperatures.

I think I have made my stance on birds fairly clear. With a few exceptions, birds are not to be trusted; it is not normal to have such soft, vulnerable bodies bookended with slashing beaks and razor-sharp claws. It is as unnatural as an armed marshmallow.

There is not a detail in the story of France's Orson Welles Gérard Depardieu's apparently-real move to Russia to avoid higher taxes that will not delight you. After President François Hollande attempted to make good on his campaign pledge to increase taxes on the wealthy, Depardieu announced plans to leave France for Russia's 13% flat tax and his new best friend Vladimir Putin.

New York's Journal News has hired armed security guards after receiving a barrage of criticism over its recent decision to publish interactive maps with the names and addresses of licensed gun owners.

For the better part of the past 48 hours, 21-year-old New York rapper Azealia Banks (best known for her 2011 viral hit "212") has been holding the attention of her Twitter followers hostage. First it was a Twitter beef with fellow 21-year-old hip-hop up-and-comer Angel Haze, which resulted in a swapping of dis tracks. And then, last night, she really had people freaking out when, during a spat with Perez Hilton resulting from his #TeamAngelHaze status, she called him a "messy faggot":

Friday, Congress finally approved a $9.7 billion package to pay flood insurance claims from Hurricane Sandy. The measure was supposed to come to a vote earlier in the week, but was tabled by House Speaker John Boehner, drawing much criticism from both Democrats and his fellow Republicans alike.

Zero Dark Thirty has already shown us how al-Quaeda leader Osama bin Laden was killed at the hands of U.S. Navy SEALs…now America is ready for a movie about how Hillary Clinton fell in love!

Last spring, horses everywhere neighed a sigh of relief when production was cancelled on HBO's horse-racing drama Luck, after three gambling-addicted horses died on set.

A hero can be anyone. It can be a fireman who runs back into a burning home to save a beloved childhood pet (toad). It can be a teacher who stays after school to help a student struggling with math. It can be a long Italian-style sandwich filled with a variety of meats, cheeses, and seasonings.

Sofía Vergara's softest body parts stuck to their resolution to not be confined to her clothing for 2013, as witnesses say the actress unintentionally flashed her breasts to a roomful of people in the midst of a nightclub fight on New Year's.

Why didn't you call me when you got my texts? I texted you like four times because I had something important to tell you. Ohmygod, don't be a bitch to me right now, something can be important even if it's a group text. Whatever, shut up, I have big news:

Every year on December 25th, Jesus throws himself a huge birthday party and everyone is invited and everyone brings a present for someone else (unique gifting idea coined by Jesus) and it is just, like, known that this day is Jesus' birthday so you shouldn't make any other plans.

Les Misérables has already made off with $67 million at the box office since debuting on Christmas day, but a lot of people have found the sweeping musical largely problematic. Many are quick to criticize the performance of Russell Crowe. He can't really sing that well after all and some really judgmental critics feel that he ruined the whole movie.

Katt Williams has had the worst holiday season ever. His month of hijinks included a mic-throwing incident, a police chase, a smack across the face of a Target employee, and a tearful retirement (and un-retirement) from comedy. His rampage makes 2007 Britney Spears look like child's play.

If you're rich and famous, sometimes surviving a hurricane hell-fire on a private island can lead to true love. Such was the case with Kate Winslet and the amazingly named Ned Rock'nRoll. According to Winslet's rep, the couple were married earlier this month in a secret ceremony in New York. Completing the bizarre, disaster-born romance, the bride was given away by none other than Leonardo DiCaprio, her Titanic co-star.

What happens behind the scenes at Gawker? We know you ask yourselves this question every single hour of every single day, and we don't blame you. We are fascinating. Sometimes we order sandwiches for lunch, and sometimes we order burritos. Sometimes we listen to music while we blog, and sometimes we do not. Sometimes Max Read picks his nose, but not always. With all this in mind, we're sharing with you our official "behind the blog post" backstories for all of the posts you clicked the shit out of this year. Next up: Hulk Hogan's mesmerizing sex tape.

"I'll use any excuse to teach new positions & give advice," tweeted the popular sexpert and Holocaust survivor Dr. Ruth Westheimer earlier this year. And so it was: when she wasn't tweeting about queefs, the rhythm method, the amount of sperm in precum or encouraging men to paint their pensies to coordinate with the holidays, Westheimer twisted current events into excuses to espouse her pro-sex agenda. She writes like a fortune cookie, but at 84 she's never been as wacky or unmissable. Come, let's recount some of the biggest news stories of 2012 with some punny sex advice shoehorned in.

Every child eventually experiences that crushing day when he or she realizes that Santa Claus, that totally implausible overweight gift-giver, is (SPOILER) not real. For those of us who thrive on cynicism, it's almost difficult to remember a time when we could be so joyfully naive—it took us a few years to realize that everything is horrible. Here, we've gathered our stories of the day our innocence died. Please share your own in the comments.

In today's New York Times there's an article called "The Ultimate Amenity: Grandparents." It examines the lives of a few young New Yorkers who recently purchased apartments, not for themselves, but for their parents.

The trailer for future Academy Award winner Scary Movie 5 is finally here and it features the scene we've all been waiting for. Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen's "love scene." From the early looks of it, it doesn't look that romantic. Allegedly, Lilo was afraid of catching a disease from Sheen's mouth.