How much did President Bush drink? When did he quit? Did he quit? And what else did he do? There are absolutely no definitive answers to any of those questions, and most of the witnesses and parties involved are suspect or worse. Still, with the publication of former press secretary Scott McClellan's book, complete with re-airing of those old cocaine rumors, it might be fun to investigate the out-going president's drug history, as found both in the public record and the fever dreams of conspiracy artists.

Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan was the doughy, ill-informed punching bag the press needed after a couple years of smarmy wise-ass Ari Fleisher. But now he's getting his revenge, as all big dumb doughy dudes must after they realize their "friends" just pretended to like them. He wrote a book. It's called What Happened, and it's about how everyone in the White House was a stupid idiot, especially President Bush, who is so stupid that he just convinces himself of bullshit so he doesn't technically have to lie. "The media won't let go of these ridiculous cocaine rumors," McClellan heard Bush say in 1999. "You know, the truth is I honestly don't remember whether I tried it or not. We had some pretty wild parties back in the day, and I just don't remember." Ha! So maybe he tried cocaine, but if so he was already mid-blackout and who can recall between all the homosexual encounters, animal sacrifices to pagan gods, and stripper-raping that they were doing! After the jump, Karl Rove complaining about how Scott McCellan sounds like a raving DailyKos liberal. Just because Karl Rove misled him regarding the Plame affair, leading McClellan to blatantly lie to the press, destroying his credibility and career!

The White House sent a FURIOUS letter to NBC news. They claim they're mad at how NBC edited Richard Engel's interview with the president last week. It's all bullshit, obv. The details, transcript, letter, and video—after the jump!

The president of the United States, George W. Bush, has been banned from sending emails during his term in office, with officials citing security concerns. That's all about to change once he's termed out of office — soon friends and supporters can expect a steady stream of "You know you're a redneck when" forwards, links to GodTube videos, and the like. It's only a matter of time before he sets up a Facebook profile and starts Twittering, which I'm pretty sure was predicted in Revelations to be one of the signs of the impending rapture. (Photo by AP/Ronen Zvulun)

President Bush's parents George and Barbara just want what's best for their WASPy descendants, particularly on the occasion of the wedding of their beloved, dignified granddaughter Jenna. That's why they don't want David Lauren, son of Ralph Lauren, to attend. See, David has been dating Jenna's cousin Lauren Bush for three whole years, and still hasn't proposed marriage. "Where's the ring, David?" one source near the family told the Daily News. Also, he's an ancient 36 and she's an innocent 22. And, no doubt worst of all for the patrician Bushes, David Lauren is a Jew, and his Jewy-ness might infect precious Lauren:

Heidi Montag cancels on White House Correspondents dinner, featuring fellow Republican George W. Bush: "MSNBC had invited Montag to be a guest at its table at the Washington Hilton. 'Then Spencer got involved as her manager,' a source told Page Six. 'He demanded first-class tickets for both him and Heidi - even though he wasn't invited.' When the network balked, Pratt canceled Montag's appearance, claiming, according to our source, 'It wasn't "A-listy" enough.'" [Post]

It's hard to know where to start with the new book plugged on Larry King Live tonight by authors Jenna Bush and her mom Laura, the first lady. First of all, it's for kids who hate reading. Very meta, but maybe not the best business model for publisher HarperCollins. Also, it's got a character named Tyrone, who is eight or nine. Tyrone is also white, possibly the first white kid to be named Tyrone, ever. Jenna said Tyrone is a "composite," which she explains to mean he is based on one particular student taught by her mom. One would have hoped Jenna learned the meaning of the word "composite" while serving as a co-teacher in a DC charter school, but after drinking her way around the world maybe the first daughter has found her brain doesn't work as well as it used to. Somewhere in America tonight, there's an embarrassed little boy named Tyrone, watching Larry King with his mother, and Googling around for a good intellectual property attorney. Clip of Laura and Jenna after the jump.

This is sad: Tony Snow, the former White House spokesman and newly-hired CNN talking head, was taken to the hospital this morning and canceled a speech at Eastern Washington University as well as an appearance on CNN. Snow has been battling cancer since a 2005 and left his White House job in 2007, saying he needed to earn more money. His cancer, he said, was not behind his departure, and in fact was in remission. Just this Monday, Snow said on a radio show that "the stuff I have right now is not all that rough" and that a recent CAT scan showed his tumors weren't growing. Snow is maintaining an optimistic outlook, and trying to live a normal life. But, for the moment at least, he can't. Whatever one thinks of Snow's work on behalf of the Bush administration, he is a human being, with a very human desire to keep working, earn some money for his family and focus on the life still before him, rather than spend time contemplating some of the darker questions somewhere down the road. [KXLY, TVNewser]

If you were wondering why everyone running for president was talking like a wrestler yesterday instead of retaining some semblance of dignity, you'll be happy to find out the candidates were merely practicing for a new presidential tradition begun by George W. Bush: Appearing on a TV game show and cracking jokes. That might sound a little cheesy, but it was for a good cause. The president, you see, wanted to honor an Iraq veteran with the sort of dignity only host Howie Mandel can conjure on Deal Or No Deal. "Are you ready to get some acknowledgement for your hard work and bravery?" Mandel asked. Oh, sure, what the hell:

The Hollywood Reporter posted the first scene of the widely-leaked script to Oliver Stone's George W. Bush biopic, W, which is about to start filming. Reading it, it's easy to see why some historians are calling the film an inaccurate caricature. It's hard to imagine even Bush, not to mention Dick Cheney, seeming like as much of a strutting fraternity brother as he does at the end of this White House scene:

We spit our whiskey across the bedroom this morning after reading that Oliver Stone's forthcoming W may not live up to the painstaking accuracy standards we've come to expect from the filmmaker. After the screenwriter put to bed our concerns that the pranks and outbursts included in last week's script review were not, in fact, April Fool's Day gags, Bush biographers are getting all fussy today over the actual historical record:

Oliver Stone's George W. Bush biopic, W, is at times more like a Saturday Night Live skit than history, according to some Bush biographers who reviewed the script on behalf of the Hollywood Reporter. "It leaves with the impression that the White House is run as fraternity house with no reverence for hierarchy, the office itself or for the implications of policy," one said. What left that impression? Was it the part where Bush and his buddies locked Colin Powell out of a room as prank, or when Bush rearranges his presidential schedule based on what's on ESPN, or the scene where he practices a parachute landing in the White House pool?

The hyper-sensitive Defamer April Fool's Bullshit Scanner went off again moments ago as we browsed ABC.com's exclusive screenplay review of W, Oliver Stone's upcoming biopic about the transition of George W. Bush from spoiled drunk Texas asshole to election-stealing, malaprop-slinging, Jesus-loving Texas asshole. To this very moment, in fact, we can't verify the legitimacy of Marcus Baram's trenchant read-through whose very headline — "Daddy Issues, War Lust in Oliver Stone's W" — flirts with incredulity. To that end, we combed through Baram's script review in an attempt to determine the moments that seem authentic versus those that appear to be inexplicably hacky:

• Amy Winehouse will be airlifted away from her crack and into rehab, possibly in Israel or South Africa. A doctor told the Sun the singer's skin damage is common among crack addicts. [Sun]

George W. Bush has a special relationship with the press: he threatens them with prosecution, pressures them to withhold damaging stories, and accuses them of treason in order to drum up anti-media sentiment among the masses. But he also gives them funny nicknames, so they like him. John McCain, the Republican nominee for President, enjoys taking the press to barbecues and having friendly chats with journalists about how much he hates "gooks." And as this clip from Bush's endorsement of McCain earlier today shows, once he is elected he will not suffer their "questions" bullshit either.

For some odd reason the only media outlet to report that President Bush introduced Al Sharpton's wife as his daughter was the Baltimore New York Sun. So they do something right every now and then. (Update: Punchline hilariously still stands.) [FishbowlNY]

The Times let embittered and oft-inaccurate tv critic Alessandra Stanley write about something a little more weighty than Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles in today's paper. She gets to review the President's "State of the Union" speech, which happens on TV, yes, but it doesn't involve explosions and there are not really commercial breaks. Thankfully it's often transcribed and distributed beforehand, so Stanley doesn't have to sort of half-remember bits of dialog she wasn't actually paying attention to. But only the real journalists get to write about the bullshit in the speech itself, so Stanley instead babbles some sub-sportswriter-by-way-of-David Broder nonsense about "Dynasties" playing themselves out in some grand Wagnerian opera just behind the scenes (and also in front of the scenes, on stages and behind podiums and such). Because the Bushes and the Kennedys and the Clintons were all sorta there, in Washington, DC, where all of them spend most of their time.

After 37,258 cyber attacks against government and private networks last year, President Bush and Department of Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff say they need $6 billion to stop attacks on Wall Street and nuclear power plants. (Here's a hint: Don't run a nuclear plant on Microsoft Windows.) The president would also like to install government sensors on private company networks. Natch, Dems don't like the plan, the Wall Street Journal reports. Not enough details, they say. But don't they know that if we give out details, the terrorists will have won?

Oliver Stone is hoping to direct a film based on the life and presidency of George W. Bush. "Here, I'm the referee, and I want a fair, true portrait of the man," Stone insists. "How did Bush go from an alcoholic bum to the most powerful figure in the world?" Laconic, stoic Josh Brolin is attached to play our smirky, snickering President, but you needn't worry too much about inappropriate casting—everyone looks embarrassed and lost in modern Oliver Stone movies. [Variety]

Why is the president interrupting The View! Fuck this! Sylvester Stallone was just explaining to Sherri why there is so much hurting people in his Rambo movie! Charlie Gibson just admitted there would be no specifics in his little economy talk! At least they're not breaking in during the Hot Topics discussion of how often Smurfette got gangbanged (sadly, no joke).