• Kyle MacLachlan and Desiree Gruber are officially parents. The Desperate Housewives actor and Project Runway executive producer had a son named Callum Lyon MacLachlan on Friday. [Us]

• In the wake of his big, possibly violent fight with his mom and sister, everyone's trying to figure out what ever happened to Christian Bale. The Daily Mail notes that after Bale became the family breadwinner at 13, his father tried to make him into a Hollywood star while Mom advocated a normal childhood in Britain. Also, he's been angry all the time since forever. The Post passes along the news that he hates press tours and is known as "robo-actor" because of his "steely focus."

A new book claiming to unveil "fun, fascinating facts" about celebrities and their drug habits may just be a collection of ancient quotes and anecdotes. As the NY Post reports today, The Curious World Of Drugs And Their Friends promises sordid tales involving Lindsay Lohan and details from her substance-fueled evenings before cokepants and trees put them on the back burner, but the story they cite from a "friend" sounds eerily familiar to one of our favorite classic Lohanisms from over a year ago. And the celebrities quoted as being "unable to talk to anyone without a nose full of cocaine," and having "spent the first 35 years of my life in a fog" due to drugs have either kicked their habits long ago or already (endlessly) confirmed to the world that they were once big league nose candy fans. The stars "featured," and exactly how dusty these quips are, after the jump.

We had third-row seats to see George Michael last night at The Forum, but we sold them off at the last minute when we heard he was mixing his old withering, little-known heckling act into the greatest-hits mix. The revelation instantly piqued our sympathy for the uninformed who couldn't possibly anticipate what was about to hit them — folks like Dr. Phil McGraw, for example, whom a tipster tells us got the very worst of the vocalist's assailments:

There is no point fighting it anymore. Vh1 will continue to produce shows featuring has-been stars from our youth and, like moths to the TV screen, we'll watch them cry, urinate on themselves and make out in hot tubs until the end of time. Their newest idea will feature (shocker!) Vh1 reality vet Scott Baio mentoring eight “male teen idols” of the 80s in an effort to jump-start a comeback. Since the sad little group has yet to be revealed, we went ahead and picked two former crushworthy picks we’d most like to see week after week, and the two who might force us to cancel our cable package altogether:

Troubled songstress Britney Spears apparently acquitted herself nicely on popular sitcom How I Met Your Mother, but did you know that troubled singer George Michael has a recurring role as himself on decidedly less popular legal dramedy Eli Stone? (We think it's a dramedy, anyway.) It's true! According to AfterElton, he is quite good in an expanded part on an episode airing tomorrow, and there are no jokes about soliciting sex in public toilets. So in 2028 Larry Craig might be able to make a mildly self-effacing but unembarrassing appearance on CSI: Robot Spice Mines or something. [AfterElton]

• Oprah Winfrey's best friend Gayle King bought a $7.1 million New York penthouse in the name of the talk show host's dead dog, because apparently there weren't enough lesbian overtones in their relationship. The pad is owned by "Sophie's Penthouse LLC." [Observer]

Oh nooooo....Wham! songstress George Michael just signed a deal to write his memoirs! With News Corp publishing house HarperCollins no less, which makes his bitchtastic anti-Rupert Murdoch rant last year a little suspect. Groan. The thing about memoirs is, George, they work better when the public doesn't know in advance just about everything that will be in them. "People aren't stupid, they're beginning to notice that the truth is more interesting than the stories the press come up with," his manager said today. That persnickety press, always making up crazy allegations of Larry Craig-inspiring restroom romps and pea-brained drug busts.

• Donatella Versace wrote Allure: Confessions of a Beauty Editor? Funny, she doesn't look like a beauty editor. [R&M]
  

I think Murdoch is the devil and has been for 20 years. The only dignity is in autonomy. I was so right about Murdoch. Twenty years later we have a media dictator.

· By now you may have already seen this video of David Cross showing his appreciation of Jim Belushi's "music" by hopping on stage during one of his "concerts." If so, watch it again. It really rewards a second viewing. If this is the first time, cherish this special moment. [via GoldenFiddle]
· OK, George Michael, you're on notice: Pass out in your car with some drugs just one more time and we're going to start saying you might have a problem.
Page-pampering Florida Congressman Mark Foley (no, not the Focus Features guy, how many times do we have to correct you on that?) checked into rehab today, possibly in Clearwater, which set off Wonkette's Scientology alarms. We're just going to assume that his possible ties to the Church are merely related to pandering to a large South Floridian constituency, and that he's not currently trying to sweat out his pedophilia in a Hubbardian sauna.
As Copyranter points out in regards to an ad featuring an image of ET's Mary Hart, there's a fine line between photo "retouching" and the "the wholesale erasure of twenty years of aging."
After removing the twenty-pound false stomach she wore for all nine (or was it ten?) months of her fake pregnancy, Katie Holmes now seems skinnier. A real headscratcher, that.

• George Michael gets so stoned that he stops his car in the middle of a North London intersection and slumps over. This, alas, leads to his arrest. Poor dude's just chilling a little bit, thinking about McDonald's...what's the big deal, man? [AP]
• After realizing that baring her breasts is not enough to sell albums, Janet Jackson considers a reunion with Justin Timberlake for a "big, live show." Because if Timberlake bares her breasts for her, then she'll taste success. [Page Six]
• Robin Williams: in and out of rehab before you even knew he was gone. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Martha Stewart has a torn hip muscle. It's not the proverbial broken hip, but any injury in that area signifies the beginning of senility. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Katie Holmes starves herself until she's thin. At least she's starting to behave like a normal starlet again. [Scoop]
• The 25-room Guccione mansion is going for $5 million dollars? That's a helluva price cut, or a helluva gaffe. [Page Six]
• When Aaron Nick (does it make a difference, really?) Carter learned that Paris Hilton was cheating on him with Chad Michael Murray, he beat the crap out of her. Then he went and hooked up with Ashlee Simpson. [Us Weekly]

• We really ARE overdue for a George Michael assfucking scandal, aren't we? Don't worry, it's about to get much better: the former pop star was caught having a "seedy liason" in a public park with the hot piece of twat pictured at right. 58-year-old unemployed van drivers who live with their cat sure are irresistible, aren't they? [Sun UK]
• Tomorrow Russell Simmons will be named a U.N. Goodwill Ambassador, putting him on the well-worn path to becoming Angelina Jolie. Perhaps he's splitting with Kimora over whether or not to adopt an Ethiopian AIDS orphan. [FishbowlNY]
• You know what's wrong with magazine publishing? The people who are running it, specifically those at the Magazine Publisher's Association who believe a mascot named Captain Read is going to do a goddamned thing other than inspire mockery and ensure irrelevancy. [AdAge]
• Though we wouldn't put it past Simon Dumenco to hook up with Cap'n Read. [AdAge]
• Conde Nast will master these internets yet, even if it means going the route of incredibly boring trade sites. [Craigslist]
• Is somene pushing a Times-ian frenzy surrounding the raising admission fee for the Met? At the current rate, they'll churn out 60 pieces by November, which will almost be enough to satisfy Bill Keller. [Seth Mnookin]
• It doesn't matter how fantastic a "trailer" for a book may be, because it'll never half as good as the trailer for Snakes on a Plane. That's just a fact. [Guardian]
• Greg Gutfeld's still life with Arianna Huffington. [HuffPo]
• Dallas Mavericks bloggy freakshow Mark Cuban has an open job offer for anyone who can think of a new way to market movies. On the downside, you'll be working for Mark Cuban. [Blog Maverick]
• Who Wore It Best? — crotchety Sun Valley mogul edition! [WSJ]
• Why does the Regal Union Square movie theater smell like Chinatown on a simmering July afternoon? [Cinecultist]

British tabloid News of the World just happened to be milling about a London park known for being a popular gay cruising spot (hey, even British tabloids have needs), when who should emerge from the bushes at 3 a.m. but a "wild-eyed and trembling" George Michael, who threatened to sue as he quickly peeled off in his car. He was followed soon thereafter by a tubby, 58-year-old man named Norman Kirtland, who was more than willing to describe in full detail their night of anonymous, public passion: