When our cultural faith is shaken to its very core by the passing of Charlton Heston and looming Short Circuit remakes, we know we can always find quiet comfort in the security of numbers. Box-office numbers, to be exact:

A word of advice to the legions of women seeking to disrupt George Clooney's latest extended fling with former cocktail waitress / sand enthusiast Sarah Larson: if you're planning on placing an anonymous phone call to George with the intent of disparaging his ladyfriend, make sure to use a pre-paid cell phone. Because even with the help of his cop/chauffeur's detective skills, Clooney was unable to track the hushed threats that were recently left on his voicemail, threats that apparently came from a rent-a-phone. On them, the anonymous caller ranted, "Dude, your friends asked me to give you a message: Dump the bitch before you're sorry!" The golden couple's reaction, plus reports from an alleged ex revealing Larson's penchants for "love potions", after the jump.

• An anonymous caller told George Clooney about his new girlfriend Sarah Larson, "Dump the bitch before you're sorry." Clooney got his off-duty-cop chauffeur to have the call traced, but it was made from a pre-paid cell phone and they can't figure out who bought the phone. Also, the Sun found a supposed ex-boyfriend of Larson who said Larson had "special love potions."

What did we learn about our favorite celebrities this week? Glad you asked!
· Katie Holmes: She got sheared (next up, tannis root?) and, when it comes to meals, she's half a person.
· George Clooney: He's a late night charmer (possibly in more ways than one) but fussy when it comes to being credited.
· Jessica Simpson: She was hospitalized for having too much sex (allegedly).
· David Letterman: Doesn't mind giving audiences his sloppy seconds.
· Harvey Levin: Was an idealistic young rabble rouser and a foul-mouthed C-Word dropper.
· Dan Waters: He proved the old maxim that writers are best heard and not seen.
· Lara Flynn Boyle: Her jowls are melting (and not in a good way).
· Jennifer Aniston: She taught us that the best way to assure that your roles don't begin drying up is to form your own production company. Also, is possibly schtupping Orlando Bloom.
· Diablo Cody: Isn't just a screenwriter, she's also a songwriter!
· Ben Stiller: Is vain enough to dye his hair.
· Brangelina: Had difficulty containing the hostilities between their multicultural brood.
· The Real World Cast: They're all older but by no means wiser.
· Katherine Heigl: Wants a baby whether or not her "rocker" hubby Joshua is ready, thinks gay men want her. Also, not opposed to wearing hideous jackets in public.

Remember yesterday when we posted about how incorrigibly charming George Clooney is? Well, according to Variety, the WGA might not agree. After an arbitration hearing where the Guild failed to give Clooney a writing credit for Leatherheads, he decided to become a Financial Core member. That means he can't vote, run for office, or attend meetings, yet he still has to pay dues. But as Hollywood's most rakish bachelor explains,

• How high do you have to be to name a grade of medical marijuana after lawsuit-happy Scientologist Tom Cruise? [Daily News]

George Clooney can do no wrong. He's the biggest star in the world even though no one sees his movies (we're looking at you, Leatherheads). Ladies wanna do him, guys wanna hang out with him. Even when he's telling a clearly rehearsed story about Britney Spears, as in the video above, he can't help but be rakish and charming.

George Clooney has jokes. His latest celebrity-based antics: a swarm of paparazzi descended upon his house in Italy after a (false) rumor spread that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were going to be getting married there. Clooney, who was away working, heard about this, and ordered 15 large wedding tables to be set up on the house's lawn. The paps went crazy [Hollyscoop]! Clooney laughed. He's a funny guy. But there's more to this than just a friendly joke. Because George Clooney, one of the biggest celebrities in the world, doesn't just want to make himself chuckle; he wants to undermine the entire celebrity economy that gives him his lofty position in the first place.

That cocksure smile of George Clooney says what we're all thinking. Namely, Clooney Sandwich.

[Actors Renee Zellweger and George Clooney at the Los Angeles premiere of their film "Leatherheads" yesterday; image via Bauer-Griffin]

Spotted frequently at George Clooney's side, little is known about the actor's comely and seemingly demure girlfriend Sarah Larson, an oversight finally corrected by Star Magazine in a blistering exposé entitled "Sarah Larson's Sin City Secrets." Described as a "former go-go dancer," the leading supermarket news source soberly goes on to report that "evidence of her wild escapades has been spilling out of Sin City like quarters from a slot machine!" Exhibit A: The 2007 photo above, from lastnightsparty.com, in which Larson is seen giving her dead-on impression of a Dune sandworm, moments after emerging from its subterranean lair to feast on a meal of sand plankton (as represented by a glossy magazine and actual sand). Think that's amazing? Wait until you see Exhibit B, in which Larson appears to levitate right off the ground—a stunning illusion achieved using nothing more than some powerful inner-thigh strength and the hips of a nearby patron. It's after the jump.

You may think that George Clooney's girlfriend Sarah Larson is an innocent sweetheart, on account of how she is a former cocktail waitress now dating a rich celebrity with a few years on her, but you'd be wrong. Star tracked down secret photos that expose the real Sarah Larson as a girl who got drunk and wore bikinis. Amusingly, the photos are from Merlin Bronques' hiptard party/porn site, Last Night's Party. The real shame here is that George Clooney is dating a Blue States Lose target. [Star]

George Clooney's old-timey small town whistle-stop tour to promote Leatherheads made a stop at his home town of Maysville, Ky. yesterday (he's really from Augusta, Ky., pop. 2004). There he was mobbed by 3,000 fans, for many of whom this was the single most exciting event in their lives since corn-mulching went automated. Unfortunately, some confusion at the People.com editorial desk led to the site misidentifying the movie as "Leathernecks," a seemingly minor inaccuracy which could have led to mass confusion when thousands of moviegoers showed up to his period screwball comedy expecting yet another of Clooney's trademark probing dramas, this one about the 2008 Republican primary.

Hollywood narrowly averted A-list disgrace recently when it was revealed that George Clooney's aw-shucks humanitarian cred didn't quite extend to the extras from his new film, Leatherheads. In lieu of Universal's official launch March 31 at Grauman's Chinese Theater, the extras will stage their own red-carpet premiere in Greenville, S.C.. Reaction today is fierce along the Eastern seaboard, starting in Greenville itself, where one event organizer kept it real while Clooney's panicked flack urged calm:

• Britney Spears can't have nice things because men will take them from her. Yesterday her dad got permission from a judge to sell off at least some of the singer's cars, and it emerged that former hanger-on Sam Lutfi allegedly intercepted "hundreds of thousands of dollars worth" of jewelry, fur coats and other luxury items intended for Spears.

• Actor George Clooney Googled himself in front of Esquire and addressed the various rumors that popped up. On his alleged feud with Fabio: "There is a moment when you are actually in the argument and you're thinking, 'If I do get beaten down by Fabio, that will be far worse than the pain. I wouldn't shake that.'" On being called "gay, gay, gay:" "No, I'm gay, gay. The third gay – that was pushing it." [People]

George Clooney is dating Sarah Larson, a 28-year-old cocktail waitress from Kent, Washington. Predictably, a guy who knew Larson since grade school has a blog, and he's written a LONG history of damn near everything he knows about her, which has drawn more than a thousand comments. Today the Daily News picks it up and refers vaguely to some of the "very personal details" from Larson's past. For you, we have read the INCREDIBLY LONG blog post and condensed it down to its interesting parts. Everything you ever wanted to know (and more) about the past of George Clooney's girlfriend, below.

• Katie Holmes may be pregnant again. Celebrate now, there will be plenty of time to figure out which Scientology God's sperm impregnated her later. [OK!]

By now, we've all seen the video of Gary Busey's vampire-like neck-raping of Jennifer Garner on the red carpet the other evening. But you might not have seen (or heard) that Busey managed to pry himself from his coffin early on Monday morning and delivered a heartfelt (yet borderline creepy) apology to Garner on Ryan Seacrest's radio show. During this interview, we learn that The Buse also managed to spring another surprise attack on the carpet on Sunday (specifically, he interrupted a Fox News interview with George Clooney). However, as disturbing as all of Busey's confused red-carpet lunging on The Most Important Night In Showbiz was, we found ourselves even more disturbed after learning about his "interesting odor."

All told, we here at Defamer devoted five hours and forty-six minutes to watching and chronicling the 2008 Academy Awards last night. And wouldn't you know it, during that stretch, there were only a handful of moments that we'll remember next week, let alone next year. To that end, we gave Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer the unenviable assignment of paring last night's overblown monstrosity down to only its most essential elements. So wave buh bye to no-name costume designers and bid a not-so-fond farewell to Jon Stewart's blandly serviceable monologue, for this two-minute bestlight reel is chock full of moments like Gary Busey neck-raping Jennifer Garner, Joey Fatone drinking Lisa Rinna's milkshake and Tilda Swinton giving George Clooney's rubber nipples the business (among other gems). Enjoy!