Prince Rogers Nelson spent years changing the world. Today, he left it. Even casual music listeners should mourn the void he leaves.

Tanishq Abraham, a 10-year-old prodigy who was admitted to Mensa at age four and is better than you, graduated from high school this past weekend with a 4.0 GPA. "It wasn't, like, easy, but it was not that hard either," he told KXTV.

Lenovo, the global technology manufacturing firm that recorded nearly $30 billion in revenue last year, has named Ashton Kutcher, a former male model who rose to fame playing the stupid one on That 70s Show, as its new "Project Engineer." The time to dump your Lenovo stock is now.

The Nobel Foundation, which has been handing out the world's most prestigious prizes for more than a century, knows a lot of good economists. Maybe they should ask them how to make some money?

Neha Ramu, a 13-year-old girl living in London, has a higher IQ score than Stephen Hawking and Albert Einstein. Her score of 162 is the highest possible mark in the Mensa IQ test for baby geniuses under 18. Scores above 140 are generally considered to be genius level; the average adult score is 100.

Kelly Foxton estimates that she has spent over half a million dollars taking care of and, most importantly, dressing her squirrel Sugar Bush in various insane outfits that include gowns and faux furs. (You probably saw pictures of Sugar Bush — or one of the 5 squirrels named Sugar Bush that Foxton has owned over the years — on the Internet in the early 2000s, back before we invented the word "viral.") She shared her story on last night's episode of TLC's My Crazy Obsession, during which she said, "People think I'm nuts and I don't care because I know I'm not. I have a 156 IQ, I don't think that's nuts." Mmmm, jury's out, but choosing the word "nuts" to describe your mental state in a television segment about squirrels seems, at least, wacky.

Scott Adams is the guy who writes Dilbert, a cartoon beloved by suicidal office workers across America. Scott Adams is also, not to brag, the smartest person in America, judging simply by the quantity of thinly-veiled self-regard which drips off of each and every post on Scott Adams' blog, especially the rapey ones. Scott Adams' genius possesses such a breadth and girth that it often crowds everything else off the internet, forcing Scott Adams himself to take on the task of pointing out just how big of a genius Scott Adams is.

Georgina Bloomberg (pictured, atop steed) is the 29 year-old daughter of billionaire New York mayor-for-life Mike Bloomberg. But she's not just your typical rich kid. Oh no. She's charted her own path and earned a reputation for being "free-spirited," according to Manhattan magazine. Deservedly so!

Here we are six weeks into 2012, and we've barely even stopped to contemplate all of the knowledge, wisdom, and understanding that pours forth from Northwestern University rap star and Tom Hanks scion Chet Haze. We will now remedy that. Below, a thorough review of all of Chet's wisdom shared on Twitter thus far this year. Absorb that shit.

Let's just dig into the Florida news here and pull out a typical Florida news story, at random: Aha. Two young men in Lake City were thinking entrepreneurially last week:

Child prodigy Jacob Barnett took time out of his busy day attending Indiana Univeristy-Purdue University Indianapolis and developing an new expanded theory of relativity to teach us some calculus. He has to use his kitchen window because his white board is so full of theories... seriously.

David Simon, creator of The Wire, was among 23 recipients of the $500,000 MacArthur "Genius" grant. Clearly the MacArthur committee spent all last week watching The Wire instead of choosing geniuses and did this to justify their procrastination.

Hey look at this silly news. Some of the Real Housewives are going on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?. That ought to be ridiculous. Especially when New York's crazy-eyed Ramona Singer makes her appearance.

Lee Abrams, Tribune Co's futurist genius executive who has guided the company on its current path to wild success, has himself a TV special coming up! It's called "History of the Future, Hosted by Lee Abrams." What is it? Boogidyboogidy!

This "The Internet" thing is nice, but we often think: What it really needs is a self-proclaimed arbiter of its cultural relevance to undertake the preposterously impossible ambitious task of explaining the entire internet. In a book. Hello, Virginia Heffernan!

Funnyman Jay Leno "cracked" (call me, Jay) some "jokes" last night about Conan O'Brien's head injury. Maybe Conan knocked himself out just so he wouldn't have to watch Jay Leno, on NBC television! That's as funny as the actual jokes.

Hipster Grifter Kari Ferrell is speaking out, from the Utah jailhouse! Okay, she admits, she shouldn't have stolen all that money. But she's always been too smart and attractive for society to handle.

After a five-and-a-half-year fight, Google and its attorneys have managed to convince federal bureaucrats to bestow a patent on the company's iconic home page. We always thought the page was brain-dead simple, but apparently it's an innovative "graphical user interface."

American genius thinker of the first order Mark Penn has produced yet another newspaper column, about a Microtrend, as is his wont. This one is about how We Are All Bosses Now and features many nonsensical space-filling words, namely:

Back when boa-wearing email terrorist Laurel Touby pocketed millions on the sale of Mediabistro, she said she wanted a car, a driver and a new apartment, but could only afford two of the three. Now she just needs the car.