Tomorrow, New Yorkers will vote on whether or not to allow "as many as seven Las Vegas-style casinos" to be built in New York. Supporters say it's a great way to raise money for schools. Wrong.

Gambling is a system of selling hope in exchange for money. Hope springs eternal, but money always runs out. New statistics show just how hopeless your futile dreams of striking it rich really are.

That's quite an ante, Vice Admiral Giardina.

Bookmaking agency Paddy Power currently has "George" and "James" as the favorite bets for the royal baby's name. Meanwhile, "Wayne"—as in "King Wayne"—is trailing the pack at 250/1.

Tomorrow's Powerball jackpot is reportedly approaching $600 million. Get your ticket now, but remember that winning the lottery will completely devastate your life. Also, you won't win the lottery, you fool.

This post was originally published in March and is being reprinted now, with some slight adjustments, because it is still true, you fools.

On the eve of a $425 million Powerball drawing, a reminder: you are not going to win the lottery.

If you run a convenience store, and someone purchases a winning scratch-off lottery ticket worth $5 million, and you decide that you want to steal it, it seems downright greedy, even in the context of a ripoff, to do this:

The state of Maryland, well known for... always being there, has voted to allow casino gambling. Casino companies spent $80 million to get the bill passed, in order to earn the privilege of building an $800 million "destination resort" in Prince George's County, where people will go and gamble.

If you're a poor desperate person looking for a road to economic salvation, you need to stop dreaming about hitting a jackpot on the internet casino, and start looking for a job at an ad agency that helps convince other suckers to blow their money at internet casinos. Advertising for those fuckers is gonna be big.

The Powerball jackpot is up to $320 million. Why do you play the lottery? Is it because you have a dream? Because you have hope of a better future? Because—though you know it's a long shot—you just have a good feeling about this one? Because the twinkle in your eye and the spring in your step signify your jaunty, devil-may-care attitude towards the naysayers, and a firm belief that you, a fundamentally good person, will one day get your proper reward?

The Mega Millions jackpot is half a billion dollars. A cool half-billion. You could use that money, eh? Buy your castle and everything. Have you bought your Mega Millions ticket yet? Well, don't.

Michael Sokolove's NYT Magazine cover story this week is about the decline of the casino gambling industry—overinvestment followed by the recession, and oversupply of casinos which raises competition for a declining amount of disposable income. What will this mean for state tax revenue? What will this mean for Native American tribes? What will this mean for gamblers with money burning holes in their pockets?

Congratulations, American gamblers: You'll probably be able to place bets on the internet again soon, thanks to a big retreat by the Justice Department that leaves most online gaming decisions to the states.

Today the gambling website OnlineGamblingPal.com dropped $10,871 for a sample of entombed pop star Michael Jackson's old hair. Why so much? Because that's the going market rate for the amount of Michael Jackson hair you see in the photo. Also, they saw the hairball's potential—as a roulette ball.

Start spreading the news! We're leaving today! We wanna be a part of it: Resorts Worrrld, Resorts Worrrrld! At last, a viable alternative to gainful employment comes to the greater New York City area — in the form of legalized gambling! Drink for free! Stuff your purses with buffet items! Double your life savings on one bet! All your prayers have been answered, just as soon as you pilgrimage to the crown jewel of South Ozone Park: the Resorts World Casino New York City.

The virus that infected the military's drone fleet is "used to steal log-in and password data from people who... play games like Mafia Wars online." So comforting to know that our pilotless death machines are operated by Mafia Wars fans!

The desperate deluxe Trump Taj Mahal Casino Resort in gross glamorous Atlantic City features the best of everything, naturally. But now guests at Donald Trump's vomit-tinted Xanadu can look as great as the Taj makes them feel, as the hotel is awarding a $25,000 plastic surgery gift certificate to one lucky card player, good for "mix and match surgeries, including breast enhancements, tummy tucks, liposuction and face lifts." But why go so run-of-the-mill, when you could instead use that money to have the hair from a giraffe's nutsack grafted directly onto your scalp, which you might then style in a fetching, comb-forwarded fashion that's sure to excite your mail-ordered, Slovenian succubus bride? You do deserve the best, after all. [AP, photo via Getty]

Earlier this week, federal prosecutors unveiled a civil lawsuit against online poker giant Full Tilt Poker, alleging it was "not a legitimate poker company, but a global Ponzi Scheme." Full Tilt is now offering a powerful defense: "Ehhh, technically what happened was not a Ponzi Scheme, per se."

You may not have noticed, but former New Mexico Gary Johnson is still running for the Republican presidential nomination! Oh, you didn't know in the first place? He's like this libertarian type guy who doesn't get invited to Republican debates anymore, and is now desperately relying on poker players to carry him to the nomination.