(Gawker Explains It All will occasionally make like Clarissa, except without the mismatched earrings and with more breaking down of the nitty gritty of life in New York City. It's aimed at people who are way too stupid to even be reading it — or, actually, reading — in the first place. But you could always print it out and hand it to them on the street.)

Notice we didn't say "wrapping up the whole fucktard thing." Because guess what? We can't say "fucktard" in a headline. (We can post a picture of a big black dildo, though. We make the rules!aren't quite sure what all of the rules are yet!) Anyway, thanks to all who voted. Fucktard edged out our obvious favorite, twatwaffle, by a mere 196 votes. This is pretty much the only election result that we're disappointed in, and frankly, it's left us with a nagging . . . how to put this? . . . not-so-fresh feeling. There's really only one solution, and it's made of vinegar and water and floral fragrance. Yes, you called it right, skeptical commenters: we're going to stick with douchebag for now, with an occasional fucktard/twatwaffle thrown in for kicks. But rest assured that we'll always be on the lookout for replacements . . . so keep sending them our way when the mood strikes you.