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(Gawker Explains It All will occasionally make like Clarissa, except without the mismatched earrings and with more breaking down of the nitty gritty of life in New York City. It's aimed at people who are way too stupid to even be reading it — or, actually, reading — in the first place. But you could always print it out and hand it to them on the street.)

So it's that time of year again. Starry-eyed Midwesterners are thronging Midtown to get a peek at a big tree (don't they, like, have big trees where they come from?) and people who actually live here are desperately trying to leave via the same couple of ports of call. Long story short, it's the most crowded, crappy, obnoxious time of the year, especially as far as taking subways and Amtrak is concerned. So here's a quick refresher course for the utterly retarded on how to avail yourself of these modes of transit. We'll try to use small words.

Taking the subway can be tricky, but here are a few hot tips that will enable the people unfortunate enough to be around you to have a pleasant ride.

  • Q: What's the appropriate time to figure out which direction you'll head in once you reach the top of a staircase or the bottom of an escalator? A: In advance, you fucking moron. We can't tell you how many times we've walked smack into some retard who has chosen the top of the staircase as a good spot to come to a sudden dead halt and ponder which way to turn next. When in doubt, just pick a random direction, okay? Otherwise, the domino effect caused by your idiocy could actually hurt someone. And unfortunately, it's unlikely to be you.
  • Don't try to force your way down the stairs onto the platform against a tide of exiting passengers. You're still going to miss the train anyway, you asshole.
  • Let the people off the god damn train before you try to shove your wide load onto it. The reason the conductor keeps saying this is because it makes sense and it works. OKAY? GOD.
    Boarding an Amtrack train can also pose problems for complete retards. If that's you, read on:
  • Just take the first goddamn open seat. No Thanksgiving miracle is going to enable you and your honeypie to sit together today. Fucking deal with it.
  • Don't hit people's legs with your bag as you clamber haphazardly down the aisle. Doing this makes you go straight to hell; we checked with god.
  • If you're bored, read a fucking magazine — don't talk on your cel phone or strike up a chitchat with your fellow retard who's sitting next to you. Trains are a quiet place, like a library. But you probably talk on your cel phone in the library too, because you are an asshole.
  • Don't buy a hot dog. If you buy a hot dog, please be aware that the smell of it will make all of your fellow passengers want to kill you.
  • Do not whap people with your god damned fucking rolly suitcase. In fact, throw away your rolly suitcase. Those things should be licensed like handguns.
  • Butting your way to the front of the line guarantees you a seat, yes — a seat in the fiery pits of Hades.
    Happy Thanksgiving, fucktards!