Fun fact: Drew Curtis, the guy who runs linky website Fark, went to high school for one year with professional asshole (but not moron) blogger-turned-film writer Tucker Max. So Drew somehow got handed a cameo role in I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. Drew-who's big enough on the internet to not give a fuck what we or Tucker Max think-sent us a full report, saying Tucker is "out of control" but the actors are doing a good job, considering the material they're working with. And pictures! Click through now: The actors at work (Tucker character in white t-shirt):

We're not intimately familiar with the work of writer-director James Toback, but the New York native's film credits are somewhat impressive. He directed Two Girls And A Guy, wrote Bugsy and is working his magic on a Mike Tyson documentary due out this fall. But he seems to have convinced at least one Brooklyn resident that he's doing a very, very poor imitation of Robert Downey Jr. in one of his other films, the Pick-Up Artist, which happens to be precisely what Spy magazine nailed Toback for in a takedown published in the late 1980s (he disputed much of the article). The resident, who has had one too many brushes with Toback writes:

Yesterday we told you the nightmarish story of NBC's pooping intern. It was perhaps the perfect embodiment of a mortifying day at work. But we asked you, our employed readers, for your own stories of humiliation on the job, and you obliged. We've picked the five best (worst), which are printed in order of increasing terror. After the jump, read why you should never touch scissors at a library, make fun of hobos, joke about speed, pass out on a plane, or try to catch your boss' towel: 1. The Case Of The Clean Scissors [The following is an email sent out to employees at a library]:

A concerned reader writes to us: "I live in Jacksonville Beach, FL. We just had to put are dog to sleep. From what I see this is an English Bulldog. Now this does not make me very happy to know someone is dumping dead animal into the sea. We paid to have his ashes returned to us. From what I can see this is a male English Bulldog much like are dog. To find out that this was in fact him would make me very mad. I hope you can get to the bottom of this. If in fact someone did dumped dead animal's in the sea how long would it take to show up in NY city. He was put to sleep on July 21 2008." Yikes. I've had to put a beloved dog to sleep before and it's not fun. But, hm, I sort of doubt that... I, uh. Never mind. I'm sorry for your loss.

Three women who first discovered and photographed the Montauk Monster have issued a desperate plea for scientists to help them identify the devil spawn! Rachel Goldberg, Courtney Fruin and Jenna Hewitt gave their long-awaited interview to PlumTV, following hot on the heals of the CNN appearance by their buddy "Colin," who is keeping the monster's bones safe in his bong or Weber grill or whatever. The ladies revealed they have been in touch with a scientist from Stony Brook University, who supposedly told them it can't be a raccoon (legs/arms not in proportion to body), dog (feet "don't match up" — ??) or turtle (they don't have teeth). So basically we're dealing with a mutant, alien or satanic death hound. "Lock your fucking doors," as one self-described biologist told us yesterday! The women are hoping another scientist will take a look at the remains and give a less terrifying answer. A video except, along with some interesting mail, is after the jump. UPDATE: Plus a new, less decomposed photo via Newsday!

"Re. Nike Ad!!! You are all scum and should be exterminated. You are what is wrong with the world and we would all be much happier with you all being stoned to death, slowly." The problem there is, you're still going to offend the anti-stoning crowd.

John McCain got in trouble this week for an old joke he told once about how women enjoy rape. No one gets his sense of humor! He grew up with the subtle wit of Sir Francis Burnand's Punch, is it his fault the kids today all read filthy comic books or whatever? Similarly, The New Yorker got in trouble this week for printing a cover that everyone had to pretend not to understand in order to be outraged about how no one would get the joke. It was complicated. But we have advice from an expert that will help. John McCain needs to read this email from your day editor's mother.

Oh, hey, Times political reporter Adam Nagourney, we hope you're reading! Because someone is trying to use this site to reach you regarding your relations, or possible relations, who bestowed you with the genes necessary to write that blog you used to keep, that insane story about being a tourist DC and, most impressively, your widely-noted columns for the "Google" News. Wait, do you even work for the Times anymore? Click the thumb to read the email.

A reader is upset with Gawker for wholeheartedly embracing The New Yorker's terribly offensive cartoon about how Barack Obama is a terrorist. She writes:

"ALF is back! And I don't mean in pog form." There are ALF reruns on WGN now, yall.

Oh, this is exciting: Remember how Roone Arledge of ABC revolutionized TV sports by superimposing dramatic personal narratives onto matches, then revolutionized TV news with magazine shows like 20/20 and Nightline? Well, now ABC News is expanding on this pioneering legacy by venturing where no other news division has dared to go before (on purpose): fiction! Or, as ABC calls it, "reporting from the future." The network is asking everyone to imagine the hellscape of 2100 in order to "form a powerful... narrative about the perils of our future", and thus incite change. To do this, you just need to make a short video about how terrible things are going to be, based on a "briefing" from ABC's team of trained psychics. Here's the email pitch sent to some Columbia students yesterday:

"The Irena Briganti that I know is funny, hard-working and always willing to help out a colleague-no matter how busy she is," wrote Fox Television flack Erica Keane yesterday, in response to our "smear" of Briganti, Fox News boss Roger Ailes' PR attack-dog-in-chief. But Keane is in the minority in her assessment of Briganti's charm. Our post on her generated perhaps the biggest outpouring of responses we've had since Bloomberg staffers got the chance to vent about horrid boss Matthew Winkler. There was a wellspring of resentment against the Fox News flack just waiting to come out-and much of it came to us unsolicited. Everyone from journalists to Briganti's fellow News Corp. employees weighed in. "She-devil" is among the more middle-of-the-road descriptions. After the jump, all you'll need to know about Briganti's reputation-and her handful of obligatory defenders:

Hey everyone, I just wanted to let you know that I've switched to a new write-in candidate for president after receiving the following very important email on our tips line! I admire Leonard F. Gundy's decision to leave the Army "Signal Core" in 1982 because "I love to give orders, I hate to be given orders," but I do wish he had some Air Conditioning experience. But that's what running mates are for, right?!?! Will you vote for him too Y/N? His very convincing email is after the jump.

The ranks of Glamour dating bloggers are nothing if not distinguished. There was tardblogger Alyssa Shelasky, whose dim-witted adventures in wannabe social climbing were amply documented here. Then there was dudeblogger Mike Cherico, fired for being a womanizing jerk who sparked an insurrection in the Glamour.com comments. Now there's Erin Meanley, pictured, who just debuted with a post about being 29 and not having a husband, already. Sigh. An even more ominous sign: In an email to friends, reproduced after the jump, Meanley explains that, now that she's a dating blogger, "I need some help with pimpage. Set me up!" Well, at least she's being honest, somewhere, about the transactional aspect of her "dating." We've redacted Meanley's email address, but no doubt she'll be combing the comments here for top-shelf prospective mates, so feel free to make like a pimp there.

Yesterday's rumor of Hearst folding Quick & Simple magazine was quickly confirmed by several emails that poured in to our world news headquarters. (You know your magazine has problems when "rapidly rising paper prices" can do you in for good). But at least one staffer had such a P-M-A (Positive Mental Attitude, yall) that we feel compelled to share her note with you. Think of it as a shining example of how to feel good about a bad situation. With wine:

An email tipster claims to have received the following soap-opera-like chain of email messages in response to a "help wanted" ad on Craigslist. "The applicant attached her resume (which was a MESS) to this personal email chain — I can't imagine why!" she writes. "I have no idea how I got so lucky to have this gem dropped into my lap." Neither can we! Perhaps because it is an elaborate prank? Or maybe it's real, and originated from someone who doesn't realize that not everything on email has to be a reply or a forward — one CAN start new messages. In any case, what starts as comically awkward but otherwise unremarkable e-courtship takes an interesting, if sad, turn around message nine. Whether its origin, the thread does a good enough job simulating the experience of snooping into someone else's email inbox. Read it because you can't stop yourself, after the jump.

When the Meatpacking District club 1 Oak opened in December, it was the toast of the Manhattan nightlife scene. It was founded by a quartet of club veterans including Butter frontman Richie Akiva , Lotus co-owner Jeffrey Jah, and former Ashley Olsen boyfriend Scott Sartiano as a "kind of boutique space" for the elite. But a tipster tells us that everything is not well at 1 Oak; last week, they say, there was a vicious gay-bashing incident in the club—forcing one victim to go to the hospital—that club management tried to sweep under the rug. The eyewitness' full account of the violence, and the club's response to our questions, after the jump.

Here is an urgent letter and warning that just came through on our tips line. Sic throughout, natch. "Hello dear ladies and gentlemen!I would like inform you that Scarlett Johansson (actress) actually is a clone from original person, who has nothing with acting career. That clone was created illegally by using stolen biological material. Original person is very nice (not damn sexy), most important-CHRISTIAN young lady! I'll tell you guys more, that clones (it's not only one) made in GERMANY-world leader manufacturer of humans clones, it is in Ludwigshafen am Rhein, North Bavaria, Mr. Helmut Kohl home town. You can not even imaging the scale of the cloning activity. But warning!"

"Celebrity gynecologist and stand-up comic has been hired by GAWKER to blog about everything from vaginas to videos," begins the email we received a short time ago from a Dr. Rand Pink. He touts himself as a celebrity gynecologist comedian, and claims that his "uncanny search for the truth is appealing to most readers." Uhm hmm. And since we hired him he's been so successful that "Nick Denton is considering making the column into a pop culture comic strip." Oh how exciting for you, Dr. Pink. I can't wait to see you in the office some time soon. But seriously folks. The email is gross and strange and eerie in that it mentions Denton by name. But, at least, this mystery appears to be solved.. Sort of. Read the entire, peculiar missive after the jump.

I received this mysterious message yesterday (subject line: "Critical Condition") from someone who must have thought it very important, because it was sent via Blackberry at almost midnight. The sender's identity is unknown. The only clues are a strong animosity towards exclusive noodle bar Momofuku, a disdain for Times restaurant critic Frank Bruni, and an intimate knowledge of cancer doctors, all rolled up in a jet-set lifestyle and finished with (I'm guessing) about a fifth of Jim Beam. What does it all mean? Please reveal yourself, imperious drunken stranger! The full message for you to analyze, after the jump.