The NY Times struggles to find the words to capture just what kind of Nielsen behemoth American Idol has become in this, its fifth season on the air. The lowbrow singing contest is racking up ratings so impossibly high, the only explanation is that not only is every family in the country watching the show, but that they must be birthing additional viewers during the airings, instantly propping up the placenta-covered newbies so as not to miss the humiliation of a single warbling, effeminate Midwesterner by the show's panel of obliged, apathetic judges. To give some indication of just how many people are watching, consider the numbers among arguably the show's bread and butter demographic, teenage girls:

· More The CW fallout: Fox is still trying to figure out what to do with their nine UPN stations in top markets, while other affiliates lash out with public defiance: "The strength of KQCA is not solely dependent on the WB Network programming for success. We will develop a new strategy for the station, which will include new programming, new content and a new station identity." Right on! Fuck you, Gilmore Girls! [Variety]
· Sony reports a 17.5% quarterly profit (mainly on the strength of video games and fancy TVs), looks hopefully to a 2006 in which its movie operation isn't a gigantic disaster. [THR]
· Warner Bros will remake the 1944 thriller Gaslight with Pride and Prejudice director Joe Wright, but with a modern twist: The studio hopes to lure Jennifer Aniston to play a jilted woman slowly being driven insane by her ex-husband and his new girlfriend's incredibly public displays of affection. [Variety]
· Fox's American Idol continues its completely mundane obliteration of everything in its path. [THR]
· Still more Sundance deals: Lionsgate buys thriller Right At Your Door for $2 million, IFC shells out $1 mil for the documentary Wordplay. [Variety]

It's a toss-up really, which version of Kiefer Sutherland's existence is more exciting: His day-to-day life or his fictional exploits as CIA CTU agent Jack Bauer on Fox's addicting 24. Both feature substance abuse, intrepid globetrotting, high body counts, and destruction on a massive scale. We'll give it to 24, however, which is currently at the start of a particularly strong fifth season. To help you keep track of Jack's killings and goings around LA and beyond, Gawker Media's guide to the urban galaxy, Gridskipper, has compiled what could well be the most exhaustive, technologically astute web-based 24 guide in history: The Jacktracker.

In what could be a new record for American Idol, just two nights after its entertaining Tuesday night premiere (our favorites: mysteriously reappearing Mystic Tan girl, with honorable mention to the Statue of Liberty guy canned by Simon Cowell two notes into his rendition of New York, New York) we have our first arrests of the season. And in a touching, only-on-Idol twist, this time, the felons are twins:

· Welcome to Cancellation Town, population Heather Graham and John Stamos: ABC extends its "unplanned hiatus" for Emily's Reasons Why Not and Jake in Progress for at least two more weeks, and doesn't know when or if it'll show the remaining unaired episodes. [Variety]
· ...Meanwhile, Fox puts down Malcom in the Middle, sending Frankie Muniz into his movie career full-time. [THR]
· Finally, closure: Glory Road ends up edging out Hoodwinked for the weekend's number one spot after all, by a Jerry-Bruckheimer-farts-and-more-money-than-this-falls-out margin of $48k. [Variety]
· American Idol's deranged talent show of the absurd pulls in an amazing 35 million viewers. The other networks might as well run test patterns and snow on Idol night and save themselves some pain. [THR]
· New Paramount Classic honcho John Lesher, the huggingest exec in town, throws his arms around producer Scott Rudin, director Paul Thomas Anderson, and star Daniel Day-Lewis for There Will Be Blood, loosely based on a 1927 Upton Sinclair novel. [Variety]

· Not so fast, Glory Road! The Weinstein Co.'s Hoodwinked squeezes past Jerry Bruckheimer's uplifting basketball flick at the MLK holiday weekend box office. [Variety]
· David Chase says this is the last season of The Sopranos, no matter how much money HBO throws at him to stretch out the series into "bonus" mini-seasons. No, for real this time! [THR]
· CBS Corp. officially changes the name of its studio arm to CBS Paramount Television. Meanwhile, Brad Grey is considering starting a new TV division over at the real Paramount, which we're sure will be something suitably retaliatory, like Paramount Pictures' Fuck CBS TV. [Variety]
· X-Files creator Chris Carter sues 20th Century Fox TV for breach of contract, contractual interference and other claims over funds he claims to be owed. He alleges that 20th reneged on their deal because the terms were "too favorable" to Carter, i.e., they forgot to include the proper, obscure contract language to thoroughly but legally screw him out of money. [THR]
· Moving the Golden Globes to Monday to avoid the oncoming Nielsen freight train of Desperate Housewives pays off, with NBC winning the night despite a challenge from 24. [Variety]

The recent layoffs that swept the entertainment industry seem also to have reached the Fox lot, where we fear the entire Fox News Cafe Promotional Menu Department has been decimated by cutbacks. It's the only logical explanation for today's bill of fare supposedly celebrating 24's two-night, four-hour season premiere event. Feebly tied-in offerings like "pulse-racing pasta," "suspenseful sandwiches," and a "shocking" serving of Manhattan clam chowder make a mockery of the once-proud News Cafe theme-meal tradition. The most buzzed-about series on Fox's current schedule demands top-shelf effort, even if it results in an unappetizing, Bones-like misstep; better to overshoot the creative target with dishes like "Holy Shit! Did Jack Bauer Just Cut Off That Dude's Head? Meatloaf" then settle for the mediocrity of the "ticking clock combo." Fox execs better make sure that Kiefer Sutherland doesn't wander into the Cafe today, lest he express his rage at their promotional neglect by getting grievously drunk and asking permission to destroy the "Fucking CTU Salad Bar" in disgust.

· NBC president Kevin Reilly rearranges some deck chairs on his primetime Titanic, with exec VP of development Ghen Maynard and senior VP of comedy Cheryl Dolins being de-Peacocked. Reilly, it seems, is not quite ready to fire himself. Give it time. [Variety]
· Fox gives a cast-contingent order to latest ——-ing With the Stars reality idea, Simon Cowell's Duets, wherein a "star" performs a song with a professional singer in front of a panel of judges. Pending results for the network's Skating With Celebrities, an ice-skating component may be added to maximize cynicism. [THR]
· Warner Bros. rescues the Maurice Sendak-approved Spike Jonze/Dave Eggers adaptation of Where the Wild Things Are from Universal's turnaround. Huzzah! (Really.) [Variety]
· You can stop holding your breath now. The WB has netted its Aquaman! [THR]
· Paramount is still working on deal to sell the DreamWorks library to help defray the cost of their holiday impulse studio buy, is in talks to get George Sorosto pony up about a billion or so dollars for the rights. [Variety]

· DGA members, fearing the wrath of Guild deity Steven Spielberg, nominate him for their best director award, causing the Maestro to drop his preemptive plans to throw together a highly personal film about his tragic snubbing by his contemporaries. Others getting the nod include George Clooney for the black-and-white one, Ang Lee for the gay cowboy one, Bennett Miller for the one nobody saw, and, sigh, Paul Haggis for Crash. [Variety]
· And you knew this already, but Jon Stewart will host the Oscars. The over/under on the number of times Stewart attempts to extricate himself from a failed joke by adjusting his tie and speaking in a strangled, schticky voice is 15. [THR, Variety]
· Vincent Young's dynasty-ending last-second Rose Bowl scramble leads ABC to a major Nielsen ass-kicking. [Variety]
· Trade news that actually makes us happy: Fox and Paramount are bringing Comedy Central's Reno 911! to the big screen with Reno 911!: Miami, in which the cops hit the beach for a law enforcement convention during Spring Break. [THR]
· Further proof that people will buy nearly anything if high enough while wandering a Blockbuster: Direct-to-video sequel American Pie Presents: Band Camp wins the week in DVD sales. [THR]

· Sex and the City creator Darren Star signs a "2-for-1" pilot deal with ABC. Should his projects go to series, they should give the network a convenient place to dispose of any Housewives who get too uppity with their salary demands. [Variety]
· Ridley and Tony Scott promote David Zucker to head of TV at their Scott Free Productions following the success of CBS drama Numbers, which apparently is still on the air. Oh, excuse us: Numb3rs. [THR]
· Starting Monday, Nielsen will monitor DVR recording as part of their ratings report. Don't worry, their pilot program will measure only 60 homes to start, so you have plenty of time to erase that shameful season pass to Rodney and your "Ryan Seacrest" wishlist in a fit of paranoia. [Variety]
· Annals of stunt-casting: Christina Ricci will guest star in a "special" post-Super Bowl episode of Grey's Anatomy. Yeah, that's right, it's a slow news day. You wanna make something of it? [THR]
· Folsom Prison invites Fox to screen Walk the Line for its inmates. Joaquin Phoenix will attend, but having moved on from his Johnny Cash role, will probably decline an invitation to spend a month hanging out in the jail. [Variety]

· More heads in Santa hats are rolling just in time for the holidays, as Paramount Classics gets ready to turn on the high-pressure hoses and wash away the bloody remains of the old regime. The good news, of course, is that new PC head John Lesher will soften the beheadings with a sincere hug. [THR]
· Babyfaced Fox Searchlight head Peter Rice (we're going from his headshot, we wouldn't recognize him if he crashed into us making an unprotected left) will head up a new, teen-focused division at Fox, and gets right into the role by talking the kids' language: "The way they are consuming movies is changing and we need to make incredibly cool things for them." Rad! First project in development: MySpace Presents Rainbow Party: The Movie. [Variety]
· Not even Oprah and Farrakhan can keep Dave Chappelle down, as Chappelle's Show: Season 2 Uncensored is the highest selling TV DVD title of the year. [THR]
· Var asks: "Is 'King Kong' a disappointment or a slow-building smash?" The shocking answer: We don't know yet. Thanks for clearing that up! If we demand one thing from our trade publications, it's a snap judgment based on incomplete data, and we're denied even that. [Variety]
· Hollywood Out of Ideas, Not To Be Confused with Are We There Yet? 2 Edition: Fox plans Johnson Family Vacation 2. [THR]

We thought one post would probably be sufficient to cover the airborne publicity stunt circling the Fox lot, but we've had a couple of updates worth noting. One reader claims to have seen the plane circling the Hollywood and Highland complex, which makes us think that either a) allegedly wronged tacky hat-maker Ivy Supersonic worked a two-for-one deal on planes, or b) she also has a beef against the Virgin Megastore, Hot Topic, or some other faceless retail operation.

It's a scene that should melt the heart of even the most abused News Corp. employee: Fearless leader Rupert Murdoch settles into a high-backed leather chair in front of a crackling fire, snuggled underneath a red, velvet blanket, then orders the immediate execution of the incompetent charged with informing him that no number of reindeer will be sufficient in meeting his goal of flying to every one of his underlings' place of business to deliver his holiday wishes individually. His face twists in disappointment as he realizes that he'll have to settle for an unacceptably impersonal mass e-mail, in which a celebration of the year's accomplishments always seems overpowered by a call to resist the complacency engendered by the largely successful world domination plan of the past year. Also, he is greedily licking an enormous candy cane:

Publicist (and maker of hats so obnoxious Pamela Anderson wears them) Ivy Supersonic has hired a plane to circle the Fox lot to bring attention to her legal battle with the studio, which she claims stole an animated character from her for their Ice Age movie. (At least we think that's going on.) Leave it to a flack to know how to stage a stunt that will catch people's attention:

· ABC's Steve McPherson and CBS's Nina Tassler cram into their diving bells and explore the strange depths of the summertime alternative-programming ocean, a murky place which previously yielded creepy, luminescent creatures like Dancing with the Stars, and return with the same idea to run English-language "telenovelas" multiple times a week next summer. [Variety]
· The large picture of Tom Freston front-and-center on THR's homepage is seriously freaking us out. Make it stop! He's supposed to be the laid back Viacom president, not the creepy, intense one! [THR]
· The Writers Guild has fallen in love with NBC's soon-to-be new Thursday night comedy lineup, giving The Office and My Name Is Earl three nominations apiece for the WGA Awards. [Variety]
· MPAA head pirate hunter Dan Glickman is "encouraged" by the Chinese government's raid of black market DVD shops in Beijing, but urges them to continue their anti-piracy progress by "running over the fuckers with a tank next time." [THR]
· Fox signs a three-year first-look production deal with the producers of Wedding Crashers, Tapestry Films. Fun fact we didn't know: They also produced 15 Olsen twin movies. [Variety]

· Var reports on yesterday's New Line layoffs (two dozen let go just in time for the holidays!), but says "no top execs were axed." We've heard that VPs Matt Moore and George Waud were among the purged, who many tell us should qualify as "top level execs." Developing... [Variety]
· Potentially great news for Arrested Development fans: Though FOX hasn't "officially" canceled AD yet, there are "serious" talks between 20th Century Fox TV and Showtime and ABC to find the series a new model home. We've heard rumblings (there we go hearing things again) that the Showtime deal might be close to completion, but we've been hurt before. [Variety, THR]
· The grown-up sons of Tito Jackson are shopping around a reality series in which they try to recapture the musical semi-fame of their youth. No further commentary necessary. [THR]
· Jamie Foxx will star in adaptation of James Stetson novel Blood on the Leaves for Paramount, as a "district attorney who grapples with feelings of revenge as he prosecutes a black history professor on trial for the murders of white men accused of crimes against blacks during the civil rights movement," Sadly, it looks like Foxx's vaunted musical skills will go unutilized in the role. [Variety]
· Disney's first attempt to tap into the Chinese entertainment market involves unraveling the secrets of a magic gourd. [THR]
· Now officially famous for becoming the new James Bond, Daniel Craig signs over ten percent of his soul to CAA. [Variety]

· What did Paramount get in the DreamWorks deal? Half of anything Steven Spielberg does (even if he fools around with other studios), distribution rights for DreamWorks Animation films, and in a less-reported concession, Brad Grey gets to pat Jeffrey Katzenberg on the head and call him Lil' Buddy any time he visits the lot. Get it? Because he's short and adorable! [Variety]
· Jude Law joins Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet and Jack Black in Something's Gotta Give writer Nancy Meyers' romantic comedy Holiday, a project whose reportedly torturously prolonged casting process finally yielded exactly the right lovable, nanny-zapping rogue for the role. [THR]
· The forthcoming book Striking Back will simultaneously try to capitalize on the interest in the events depicted in Munich while disputing the version of events reported in Vengeance, the movie's source material. [Variety]
· Lake Bell is in negotiations to play Colin Farrell's wife in New Line cop drama Pride and Glory, assuming the actor doesn't chew through his restraints in rehab and escape before the conclusion of his treatment. [THR]
· Sandy Grushow, who greenlit 24 while at Fox and worked on marketing Die Hard, will produce the real-time drama pilot Crisis for Fox through his Phase Two company. We'll give you three guesses about which two highly successful projects Crisis is compared to. [Variety]

· Someone at Comedy Central finally asks, "Hey, what happened to the stuff we paid for before Dave Chappelle ran out on us?" and now plans to air the bits and pieces of Chappelle's Show's aborted third season sometime in 2006, both online and on TV. Among the highlights is the eerily prescient sketch, "Dave Takes Comedy Central's Money and Flees For Some Chill-Out Time in South Africa," starring, of course, the ghost of Rick James. [Variety]
· Fox confirms that a Fantastic Four sequel is a go. They boldly plan a July 4, 2007 release—at least until another studio comes along and stakes out the holiday weekend for its bigger, better blockbuster, at which time FF 2 will be rescheduled for February of 2008. [THR]
· Mel Gibson's newly established Con Artists Productions sets up four TV projects, three of which are legal dramas—one invoking LA Law, one recalling Moonlighting, and one also incorporating medical drama, which we will refer to as an Night Court/St. Elsewhere hybrid, just to cover all the 80s television bases. [Variety]
· ABC greenlights a comedy pilot from Ed producers Rob Burnett and Jon Beckerman. which replaces lovable, do-gooding schlump Tom Cavanaugh with lovable, wants-to-rob-a-celebrity schlump Donal Logue. [THR]
· Bravo broadens its horizons to include programs that people actually might want to watch. [Variety]

· As previously discussed, now that American Idol is definitely staying on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, the other networks scrub clean their soiled underthings and scramble to rearrange their schedules. [Variety]
· Amy Brenneman will join Al Pacino in the thriller 88 Minutes, in which Pacino learns that he's got only 88 minutes to sleepwalk through another performance before his character is killed. [THR]
· 20th Century Fox TV signs Nicole Richie to a talent holding deal, with the studio holding onto Richie until they can identify a talent that doesn't involve distressing weight-loss or hating Paris Hilton, then jam her into an appropriate, ill-fated project. [Variety]
· CBS rides Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer to a Wednesday night win in total viewers, but ABC ekes out a 18-49 demo victory thanks to Lost. [THR]
· Senators Hillary Clinton and Joe Lieberman turn their political attention to the very serious problem of 15 year-olds being able to buy violent videogames without an annoyed parent present. [Variety]

Like a cat play-swatting at an injured bird, Fox has been taking its sweet time waffling over where to put American Idol on its midseason schedule, leaving a very flinchy NBC hanging and nervous. The trades report today that the network has made its mildly sadistic albeit hilariously satisfying decision: it wasn't changing a thing.