· CBS announces that it will stream episodes of its shows (at least the ones it fully owns) on its broadband Innertube channel the day after they initially air on the "real" network. The online shows will still be ad-supported, so those looking to destabilize CBS's business model should still watch on DVR and blast through the commercials. [Variety]
Naturally, no plan to use a new platform for the delivery of creative content would be complete without an attempt to fuck the various Guilds in the ass. [Variety]
Fox Searchlight lands Wes Anderson's next project, Dajeerling Limited, which will employ Anderson regulars Owen Wilson and Jason Schwartzman, and, we hope, trusty safecracker/manservant Kumar Pallana. [THR]
Declining XM and Sirius stock prices have investors saying that the two satellite radio providers should merge, raising the tantalizing possibility that Howard Stern could one day browbeat new co-host Oprah Winfrey into riding the Sybian. [THR]
In what could be an epic brood-off, Focus Features signs up Mark Ruffalo and Joaquin Phoenix to star in the adaptation of the novel Reservation Road, with Ruffalo playing a character who flees the scene after running over Phoenix's son. [Variety]

Fresh off the flop of My Super Ex Girlfriend, director Ivan Reitman convinces a financial backer to contribute $200 million to co-finance ten films over the next five years through his Montecito Picture Co. Producing partner Tom Pollock explains the economics of their hit-and-miss, mid-budgeted comedies: "The kinds of movies we make are in an exceptionally sweet spot in the studio system; we tend to make comedies at a price. When they work, like with Old School and Road Trip, they make a lot of money. When they don't, like Eurotrip, they don't lose much. From a Wall Street standpoint, that's a good risk." Here's to throwing shitty comedies against the wall and seeing what sticks! [Variety]
· Morgan Creek determines that a few more dollars might fall out of his pockets if they hold Ace Ventura's corpse by the ankles and give it a vigorous shake, then hires some writers to whip up a third installment centering around the pet detective's son. Given Jim Carrey's recent struggles getting a project off the ground, don't rule out the actor making a cameo as Ace and then finishing out the rest of the movie playing his own kid. [THR]
As the media wonders why Viacom didn't buy MySpace when it had the chance, rumors are circulating that Sumner Redstone ordered Tom Freston to go to San Francisco to make a deal, but Freston never went. Viacom calls the story "patently untrue," while also denying reports that CBS Corp. bully/rival Les Moonves sat on Freston's chest until Rupert Murdoch could complete his purchase of the social networking site. [Variety]
Fox wins Monday's 18-49 demographic with its two-hour finale of Hell's Kitchen. Your takeaway from this: The networks' summer reality series filler has mostly been used up, and it's nearly safe to start watching TV again. [THR]
The following is the title of an actual bass-fishing project now in development at Fox Atomic and not a joke about the next Will Ferrell movie: Fishing on the Edge: The Mike Iaconelli Story [Variety]

· Now that we've been softened up to 9/11-based Hollywood projects by United 93 and World Trade Center, it's time to gird ourselves for the onslaught of TV specials tied to the fifth anniversary of the terrorist attacks. Especially promising (read: dread-inducing) is ABC's upcoming Path to 9/11 miniseries, which will run with "limited commercial" interruption, a choice network head Steve McPherson explains thusly: "Some things you do for commerce and some things because they are the right thing to do." Apparently, it's OK to make a little money from a tragedy, but not too much. [Variety]
· Pirates 2 pulls down another $44 million at the international box office, and jumps nine places on the all-time worldwide list with its $855 million cumulative gross. Yup, still a shitload of money. [THR]
News Corp prepares to roll out the next phase of its evil plan to coopt the internet as a distribution channel for its entertainment products, announcing plans to sell downloads of Fox TV shows and films via MySpace and Direct2Drive. [Variety]
Agent Dance Mini Edition: Veteran TV agent Steve Glick lasts just a year at ICM, as he ditches/is ditched by the agency following its purchase of BWCS and its shinier television department. [THR]
CBS Paramount TV signs up Laguna Beach producers Gary and Julie Auerbach to create more "unscripted" shows that forego even token attempts at representing reality. [Variety]

Second Place: Getting ass-raped by a Production Assistant. At home.

After soiling ourselves with fear over yesterday's foiling of the air terror plot, we decided to see how the story was being covered in the media. It was a fairly predictable series of packages designed to once again liberate your bowels from their contents (our particular favorite moment came when ABC's Chris Cuomo gravely informed us that "hair gel can be made into a bomb nicknamed 'The Mother of Satan'.") One local channel, however, went above and beyond the call of duty: Fox 5 summoned up the expertise of Bernard Kerik, former police commissioner, and recent subject of a photo-shoot for Bronx prosecutors. Bernie's currently busy solving the mystery of the missing million, so you've got to consider Kerik a pretty good "get" for Fox. And the Feds.

Pixar philosopher-kings John Lasseter and Ed Catmull might find themselves investigated by the SEC for receiving possibly illegal backdated stock options, potentially tarnishing their reputations as Disney's new, infallible Messiahs. [Variety]
· Rupert Murdoch pops a fistful of Viagra, publicly chubs up upon News Corp's announcement that the company boosted earnings 19 percent in the fiscal fourth quarter. [THR]
A Maryland court rules that Brent Redstone's lawsuit against dad Sumner's National Amusements company can go forward, but also decrees he must wait until the completion of the trial to snuff out the old man with a throw pillow while he naps during a Golden Girls rerun. [Variety]
Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson will recapture their How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days chemistry in the adventure comedy Fool's Gold, which is described as "just go rent Romancing the Stone and save yourself a trip to the theater." [THR]
· NBC greenlights reality competition You're the One that We Want, in which viewers choose which singing and dancing contestants will star in a revival of Grease. Travolta's going to look pretty ridiculous trying to squeeze into the old leather jacket during his audition, and even more so when Hugh Jackman beats him out for the part. [Variety]

Serially troubled, lesser Baldwin brother Daniel gets a recurring guest role on The Sopranos, playing the star of the horrible horror film that Christopher has been working on. Baldwin will join Kevin "Johnny Drama" Dillon in HBO's stable of actors cast because their relationships to far more successful kin provide an instant, vaguely depressing subtext to every line they deliver. [THR]
Endeavor is happy to pick up ICM's recently dumped Nancy Josephson on the rebound, but she'll probably just leave her new partner gig the second CAA comes calling. [Variety]
Starbucks decides that frappuccinos go down better while reading shitty books, will offer Mitch Albom's For One More Day for purchase in their stores. In a related promotional move, the chain plans to start handing out unsold Akeelah and the Bee DVDs for use as coasters. [Variety]
The Florida Film Commission's new slogan of "Florida: Not As Hurricane-Plagued As You've Been Led To Believe" has failed to reverse the production slowdown the state is experiencing. [THR]
Google will provide New Corp's interactive properties with search and advertising services through 2010, helping Rupert Murdoch finally overcome his inability to track down and destroy the dozens of fake MySpace profiles bearing his likeness. [Variety]

CBS Corp's Les Moonves' sinister plan to slowly destroy corporate rival/brother Tom Freston of Viacom proceeds apace with the announcement that CBS's film unit will produce 4 to 6 mid-budgeted movies a year, which Moonves will then use to stock Showtime and reduce the network's dependence on Freston's Paramount product. That clear? No? Just imagine Moonves kicking Freston in the balls and you've got the gist. [Variety]
Christian Bale is "close to a deal" to star opposite Russell Crowe in James Mangold's western remake 3:10 to Yuma, which has survived a disastrous history of prolonged languishing in turnaround and rumored Tom Cruise involvement long enough to finally find some financing. [THR]
· Former Project Greenlight superstar and Weinstein survivor Jon Gordon lasts just a year as president of production at Universal, but publicly bears no ill will (yet) over his ankling/shitcanning: "Obviously, this is sudden. There are talks under way and things are not resolved now. I have no animosity towards these guys. I think there is a really good team in place." Gordon plans on spending the weekend designing a full-page Variety ad thanking the studio for the opportunity to be let go. [Variety]
World Trade Center premiered in New York last night, representing a "major test" for Paramount both because it's the first true project produced by the Brad Grey regime and the fact that it contains an obvious metaphor for his leadership of the studio. Is it too soon to joke about Grey piloting planes full of laid-off employees into the Paramount watertower? [Variety]
The Fox pilot The Adventures of Big Handsome Guy and His Little Friend finds it way onto the YouTube circuit, prompting 20th Century Fox Television to announce its intention to hunt down and kill the source of the leak. [THR]

It's already been a big day for erstwhile international megastar Bruce Willis, as Fox has announced that the fourth installment of the long-dormant Die Hard franchise, Live Free or Die Hard, will open over the Fourth of July holiday weekend in 2007, momentarily releasing Willis from his recent career purgatory of endlessly circling the globe and pretending to enjoy hugging sweaty men in rented raccoon suits. But in less happy news, TMZ.com reports that Willis has filed suit against a childhood friend whom he had hired as a full-time scrapbooker (come on, anyone who's anyone in Hollywood has one), but whom allegedly repaid the actor's generosity by absconding with some of Willis' photographed and videotaped memories, peddling an unflattering book full of "falsehoods and lies" about Willis to publishers, and extorting him with his cynical aspirations of being a tell-all author. The story offers no hint as to what these lies might be, but one can only hope they contain clues to unlocking the mystery of why Willis bought boybandish singer Aaron Carter $1 million in gifts, or, at the very least, where he had Cybill Shepherd's body buried after the wrap party for Moonlighting. We are genuinely sad for Willis, for no faded star should have to have the happy occasion of the announcement of his desperation comeback vehicle marred by the ugliness of a personal lawsuit made public.

Variety announced today that Seed Prods., the production entity happily married Hugh Jackman set up with his handsome (professional) life partner John Palermo, will be making a movie for Fox 2000. What this means for you—beyond any frivolous, giggly satisfaction derived from reading yet another headline announcing "Jackman's Seed planted" with his longtime producing companion—is that your long wait to see Jackman serenade his way through a screen version of the 1945 Rodgers & Hammerstein musical Carousel is soon over:

Ask and ye shall receive: A kind soul sent us the video of Jodi Applegate's on-screen freakout, and it's every bit as enjoyable as we expected. At this point we feel any further comment would be superfluous; just watch and enjoy.

You watch "Good Day New York," kids? Not us; we're too busy masturbating to Ann Curry's face while Johnny Mathis plays in the background. So apparently we missed a total anchor meltdown by someone called Jodi Applegate this morning. We'll reconstruct what happened from viewer e-mails after the jump, but if any of you out there happen to have video, please get in touch.

To promote Fox Searchlight's small scale comedy Little Miss Sunshine, the Fox marketing department had someone drive the movie's iconic VW bus around town. An eyewitness managed to snap a cameraphone photo of the saffron-hued promobile, which, through either faulty mechanics or bad driving, managed to make afternoon traffic on Pico Blvd. even worse:

Warner Bros TV finally caves to iTunes peer-pressure and will provide series like Friends for downloading on the service, meeting the demands of fans who can't be bothered to catch the reruns that are broadcast roughly sixty times per day on TV and basic cable. WB is also offering recently aborted pilot Aquaman, which new network The CW neglected to include on its fall schedule. [Variety]
Fox Interactive Media President Ross Levinsohn now speaks exclusively in the dialect of Myspace's legion of fourteen-year-old users, declaring the online service "so not about social networking anymore" while discussing his plan to better harness the site's influence for News Corp evil. [THR]
· Quickly running out of employees to lay off, Disney buys the Indian children's television channel Hungama, then immediately fires its entire staff. Layoff jokes: somewhat funny because everyone in this town is afraid of losing his or her job! [Variety]
Madonna's husband happily accepts his pigeonholing as a hacky director of gangster films, signing on to rewrite and direct the "gangster odyssey" Static for Columbia Pictures. [THR]
Sean Hayes and his producing partner move their production company from NBC Universal to CBS Paramount Network TV, where the actor will spend the next year turning down offers to play sassy, gay sidekicks while waiting for better roles that never materialize. [Variety]

• Realizing that the industry has little potential for growth and pays poorly, men are getting out of the TV news game. Why would you stay if you had penis and all? [WP]
• Fox's new Internet strategy involves sticking the word "My" on every single property they own. [B&C]
• Ya know those Steven and Emily billboards? Turns out they were actually advertising. We know, we're are shocked as you are. [NYT]

Tired of being recognized merely as an opportunistic barnacle fused to his more famous wife's leg, Kevin Federline is busily putting the finishing touches on his debut album, "Playing With Fire," the project that coaxed him out of the background dancing shadows and is set to establish him as a major non-talent in his own right. Somehow, Federline has convinced the Fox network to let him close the Teen Choice 2006 awards with a performance of his debut single, "Lose Control." From USA Today:

Disney employees whose heads are on the chopping block anxiously await their bloody fates, as mass executions are
reportedly scheduled to be conducted next week. [Variety]
The Senate may soon vote on legislation that would require Hollywood to keep track of the ages of actors who pretend to have sex scenes in movies and TV shows. It is unknown if Dakota Fanning can be grandfathered into future rape-related roles should the bill become law. [THR]
George Clooney parts ways with producing partner Steven Soderbergh at Section 8, but is forming new production company Smoke House with Good Night, And Good Luck collaborator/BFF Grant Heslov and sticking around at Warner Bros. The new venture is named for the famous Burbank restaurant, a choice made after an arduous branding process determined that calling the shingle Dimples would be far too cute. [Variety]
NBC's America's Got Talent and Fox's So You Think You Can Dance both trounce ABC's The One in the ratings on Wednesday, a programming block that will soon come to be known as Utterly Unwatchable American Idol Rip-off Night. [THR]
· Canadians do an adorable impression of an American-style studio executive ouster, as Motion Picture Distribution unexpectedly shitcans two of its bigshots. [Variety]

· Thanks to Beverly Hills-fleeing agencies CAA and ICM and reemerging studio MGM, Hollywood has returned to Century City. But there goes the neighborhood already: Entertainment lawyers have descended to suck the life from he newly vital area. Anon, to Burbank, where the suits won't dare follow! [Variety]
· DreamWorks Animation takes advantage of the obscure federal subsidy for the bulk-casting of current and former SNL players in a movie, signing up Amy Poehler, Cheri Oteri, and Maya Rudolph for Shrek the Third. With the savings realized from the package deal, they've also secured the services of the hilarious Amy Sedaris. [THR]
· Media bigshots like Rupert Murdoch, Bob Iger, Sumner Redstone, Tom Freston, and Les Moonves gather at the annual Sun Valley Mogulpalooza, where they will spend their brief vacation whitewater rafting, competing in savage pool-based chickenfights (the Moonves-Redstone pairing is utterly unstoppable), and partaking of the always popular session of bow-hunting human prey. (Again, no one can touch Moonves' compound bow skills.) [Variety]
· Each time the European Union stymies the merger of the music divisions of international conglomerates, the baby Jesus cries. [THR]
· After two months of negotiations, House's Hugh Laurie boosts his per episode fee over $275,000, a modest recompense for his valiant efforts at selling the exact same "no one believes the diagnosis of the prickly, brilliant doctor, then he is proven correct" story week after week. [Variety]

At first, we assumed this cluster of discarded standees in the Fox hallways (captured by The WOW Report boys while there on a pitch) offered the inadvertently hilarious juxtaposition of Ryan Seacrest's upper body with Paris Hiton's stilletoed gams, instantly rendering the host of their most valuable franchise into a streetwalking trannitute (and turning the cellphone in his hand into some sort of state-of-the-art communications dildo). It was only upon further contemplation that we realized that this was no random pile headed to the recycling bin, but Fox reality department's mix n' match technique of devising new hit series. But the sad "reality" of reality TV development is that a sure thing like The Seacrest Life may never even see the light of day, thus depriving audiences of the classic pilot episode in which Ryan gets pushed out of a speeding car on Santa Monica Blvd. by an unsuspecting John who discovers his "hidden microphone."

It hasn't just been a record-shattering week for movie folks: The Big Four networks have been setting benchmarks themselves recently, though don't expect Variety to fall open to a color, gatefold ad proudly touting the fact that they have just reached the smallest audience in TV history: