Breathy Reaganite Peggy Noonan has lived. She has stayed in a hotel, traveled to darkest Brooklyn, and even seen a Mexican. Who better to explain this world of ours—this world, a wide one—to us, the Americans, the brave, the free?

If there was one thing you could always count on, it was that if you, a red-blooded American male, were ever to experience the pain of hair loss, there would always be a strong, welcoming, American-owned Hair Club For Men for you to turn to. Well. Things have changed.

Yesterday, the Wall Street Journal published a piece on how foreigners are learning American slang to fit in better with their American co-workers. The piece was business-y and all Wall Street Journal-y until the end, where the WSJ published a cute little guide of their own.

What an age we live in! Whereas America sprung full-formed from the breast of Jesus as a white Christian nation in 1776, now we have all types of weird foreign people here. And we welcome them, now that they've gotten in despite our considerable national spirit of xenophobia! Middle America is no longer as white as it's always been (since we killed the natives!).

Just when you think that this is America and yew better speak American if you wanna live here because my daddy worked hard to support our family and I don't pay taxes to support a buncha Mescans sneaking over the border to steal my hard-earned dollars and date my daughter, you read something like this: foreigners are making good solid American dollars—millions of 'em!—without even talkin' English like a real human. Is this that "socialism" they're always talking about?

Texas is on its guard. Texas is ready for any eventuality. If a group of five young men—Middle Easterners, at that—were to get drunk, break into San Antonio's courthouse, and run around laughing, well, Texas is prepared to respond to that situation at a moment's notice.

This is all that happens when you let foreign people into the country: unpaid parking tickets, everywhere. Okay, at least that's the case for foreign diplomats, who owe millions of dollars in tickets between New York City and Washington, dating back decades.

The U.S. Labor Department and the State Department are both investigating beloved chocolate maker Hershey's, due to the complaints of a few foreigners. The sweet company's crime? Helping foreigners learn about America.

As an American, there is no greater service that you can perform for your country than to drink vast quantities of beer. Not pussy foreign "Heineken" or "Corona" beer, the purchase of which amounts to draining the faltering American economy in order to subsidize enemy (non-US) nations. We're talking about real god damn American beer. Budweiser. Miller. The shit that G.I. Joe would drink.

New York City is besieged with them: "The decadent. The depraved. The malodorous, greedy, drunk and demented."

The Swedish government has ordered a Swedish Hells Angels member (!?) to repay medical benefits after he committed crimes that would have been impossible given the back condition he claimed. This will happen all the time under Obama's health plan!

A new study indicates that foreign accents make statements seem "less truthful," possibly because accents make speakers more difficult to understand (strong accents seem even less credible). This is why no one trusts Heidi Klum. [Science Daily via]

Spain will face The Netherlands in the World Cup final on Sunday. Whatever. C'mon, Lebron.

Puerto Rican-born US citizen Eduardo Caraballo was arrested in Illinois and threatened with deportation—back to Mexico. Once officials got his birth certificate, it only took them three days to figure out he wasn't Mexican. Uh.

Hey, Did you guys know there's a French version of Slate at www.Slate.fr There totally is! Our French is rusty so we cannot really read the stories on the site. But we can make up our own!

Here in America, it's a well-known fact that grad school is just a last resort to wait out the recession while getting into crippling debt. Unaware of this, our enemies are trying to get themselves into these thoroughly useless institutions.

On top of everybody else, another person who's not gonna stand for this Mo-mar Khadafy character and his smelly Libyan camel brigade is Andrea Peyser, sexxxy patriotic American (USA).

How to make fat Swiss children change their ways? How about slapping an "Every fifth child is overweight" sticker on playground swings which are refitted with super-thick chains to hold up the fat ass of the fat child trying to swing on the anti-fat ad swing? That'll teach 'em to go out in public! An ad agency did this, by choice. [Copyranter at Animal]

What did Belgium do to Red Eye's Andrew Levy? We've never really given the country much thought, to be honest. But apparently someone at Fox News' second funniest late-night offering has been deeply offended by the nation and wants revenge. Did you know the Belgians murdered Paddington Bear and are so stupid they fish for cows? We're guessing that Greg Gutfeld (or one of his writers) was either stabbed or dumped in Belgium. Or he's still not over his Chimay hangover. (Thanks go to intern Shannon for the clip!)

We have Olympic fever! But not as much as Beijing-ians. The Chinese government is like an overanxious mama, worried her kid might start picking his nose on stage at his preschool graduation. So they're bombarding the wayward citizenry with propaganda posters directing them how to act when all the weird foreigners get to town. The oddest thing is that they go to great lengths to explain how to make pale Westerners feel at ease, when in fact much of the etiquette advice seems totally unrelated to American life. It's a culture clash that will make you chuckle! Below, actual instructions to the Chinese: Whatever you do, don't ask what someone does!