Here in America, it's a well-known fact that grad school is just a last resort to wait out the recession while getting into crippling debt. Unaware of this, our enemies are trying to get themselves into these thoroughly useless institutions.

A new report finds that clueless foreigners, unable to decipher the subtle cues of American culture that indicate that grad students are universally considered to be victims of extremely poor decision-making, are applying to US grad schools at a record clip. The bulk of these potential sources of extortion by our educational-industrial complex: the hated Chinese (applications up 19%) and terrorist Muslins, a.k.a. residents of the Middle East and Turkey (applications up 18%).

Please, don't spend your precious foreign monies filling up our inertia-instilling grad schools, enemies of the USA! And don't throw us into that briar patch!