• Gee, where did the Forbes article by Michael Noer — the asswipe who advises against marrying a woman who has goals that extend beyond wiping up baby poop — go? Suddenly it's not online! (Ironically enough, we hear that Noer himself is currently away at a wedding, of all things.) Perhaps one of Noer's female bosses realized it'd be best not to publish work by a reactionary douchebag. Who, we might add, is NOT that attractive. Yep, we're going low. Mwa. [Forbes]
• Bonus: nine perfectly good reasons you should marry a power whore. [Hipster Pit]
• In order to promote her new album, Paris Hilton hacks her way into Lindsay Lohan's voicemail. Really, we don't believe she's smart enough to pull off something like this, but her PR team is certainly smart enough to organize a campaign accusing her of such. [TMZ]
• TMZ reports that Horatio Sanz and Will Forte are out at Saturday Night Live; FishbowlNY says it's Sanz and Chris Parnell. Either way, we're getting rid of Sanz, thank God. Maybe they'll hire someone who can keep a straight face and stay in character for more than 23 seconds?
• Rupert Murdoch and Bill Clinton's friendship makes for great UK tabloid contests. [Daily Politics]
• New Marie Claire editor Joanna Coles is no Tina Brown, mostly because she's the editor of Marie Claire. [NYSun]

We realize that many of you lead busy lives; some of you are so busy, in fact, that you probably lack the time to read Forbes' "Stay Away From the Smart Bitches" piece. In that spirit, we've put together a brief summary of the article, based entirely on its slideshow. It actually comes off as a miraculous fairy tale for adults, complete with suitable moral. After the jump, the condensed version of why you shouldn't marry those ball-busting, cash-making whores.

This morning, after we fully digested Forbes' "Smart Women Will Rip Your Dick Right Off," piece, we grew curious about Michael Noer, its author. As it turns out, he's written another piece about marriage for Forbes. This one starts out, "Wife or whore? The choice is that simple."

There are plenty of howlers in this Forbes piece, starting with its charmingly straightforward title: "Don't Marry Career Women." Beyond that, it's the usual host of statistics discussing how women with brains and ambition are nothing but shrieking harbingers of misery, so best steer clear of any chick who has a "university-level (or higher) education, works more than 35 hours a week outside the home and makes more than $30,000 a year." After a landslide of directly implying that statistics about mental well-being and lifelong happiness correlate directly with marrying the stupid and jobless, Forbes barely sneaks in the caveat that "it's important not to confuse correlation with causation." But even all this foolishness is eclipsed by the accompanying slideshow, "In Pictures: Nine Reasons To Steer Clear Of Career Women," which is a grab-bag of more stats illustrated with tenuously related stock photography. Why does this information require illustration? Did we need a close-up of a woman's gelatinous fake tear to know what an unhappy wife looks like? That stock-photo man at right sure looks sad. If only he'd had the balls to send off for that Ukrainian mail-order bride.

• Bono buys into Forbes, filling the "Sanctimonious Media Mogul Twat" position recently vacated by Ted Turner. [NYT]
• Dishy Jared Kushner wants to do things that are "exciting and respectable." Just like Bono! [NYM]
• Has Men's Health supplanted Maxim as the nation's best-selling newsstand men's mag? Rodale says yes, Dennis denies. Either way, we're pretty sure of who's still ahead in the all-important "incarcerated" demographic. [WWD]

This week, Forbes.com's presenile media columnist James Brady takes us to the Core Club for a casual schmoozefest in honor of Katie Couric, thrown by Hearst president Cathie Black and editorial director Ellen Levine. With a nose for news, Brady cruises the scene, gathering important information like Couric's new sleep schedule (she stays in bed until 8 AM nowadays — good to know).

First Forbes loses Charles "Don't Fuck With My Headlines" DuBow from its website; now it loses vet Pete Newcomb from the magazine. We're told Newcomb heads up the biz book's most recognizable feature, the annual "Forbes 400" list of the wealthiest people in the United States, so one imagines his departure, for Vanity Fair, comes as a bit of a disappointment. Why would he go? No raises around the family-owned mag for the last few years. Which must be even more frustrating when you spend your days reporting on obscenely rich people.

• Fidel Castro calls Forbes "garbage" and said that the magazine "disgusted me." He also had an issue with a specific article. [Sun-Sentinel]
• The broadcast networks are shying away from comedies this year. Analysts have dubbed it "The 'Joey' Effect." [NYP]
• Bloggers are too quick to post information without actually having verified it. Also,Wall Street Journal reporters trade sources pure Peruvian white for information. Or so we've heard; that may not hold up. [WSJ]
• Apparently there's this restaurant in midtown where influential media types go to see and be seen. What was it called again? Marty's? Bob's? It's a guy's first name, that's for sure. [LAT]

From "Forbes May Seek Investment From Outside," by Andrew Ross Sorkin, NYT, today:

• In latest stats, newspaper circ is — of course — down. One exception: The mighty NYT. Yay. Elsewhere in town, the Post-News gap narrows, as Rupe's tab loses fewer readers than Mort's. [E&P]
• Bauer to sell Life & Style and In Touch for only a quarter in two weeks. Hey, it worked for the Post. [Ad Age]
• The Forbes family seeks outside investors for European expansion. Being filthy rich apparently ain't what it used to be. [NYT]
• The Times new Weddings/Celebrations videos: Appalling, addictive slideshows. [Slate]
• Kaavya ain't the only plagiarizer out there. [NYM]
• Michael Jackson is mad at GQ, which made fun of him. [BBC]

Jonathan Schwartz speaks his own language, where "the edge of the Mission" means "a big house on Church Street" and "try and buy" means "General Motors should be a phone company." So his new Forbes Q&A needs some Valleyspeak interpretation. Here are translations for the tough bits.

• Howell Raines' new book — The One That Got a Way — has an unoriginal title. [WWD]
• Bidding for Plame memoir reaches seven figures. And it sounds like the Howell Raines book party was boring. [NYP]
• People named Time Inc.'s mag of the year, for its excellent coverage of, among other things, the ill-fated Zellweger-Chesney nuptials. [WWD]
• More investors are shorting Times Co. stock. Oh, poor Pinch. [NYP]
• ABC anchor Bob Woodruff's recovery continues, but it's still unclear when he'll be able to return. [LAT]
• More evidence 750 Third Avenue will rival 4 Times Square in coolness: New cafeteria will offer sushi bar, custom salad station, international specials. [Media Mob/NYO]
• Well-hung Clinton to speak at News Corp. retreat. [Media Mob/NYO]
• Forbes editor Bill Baldwin doesn't read Jon Friedman's column. [MW]

Let's ignore the irony of Jim Brady's Forbes.com column focusing mostly on an old, aged media exec who increasingly doddered on, oblivious to his surroundings (you'd have no idea what that's like, right, Jim?) and instead focus on just one line, down near the end. Jim is recalling a fancy lunch on Central Park South years ago with William Randolph Hearst Jr., and he's describing the man who orchestrated the meeting:

Forbes magazine, no doubt still reeling from the departure of Charles "I give perfect hed" DuBow, the online lifestyle-features guru who "generated hundreds of millions of page views per year" for the magazine's site, is facing further defections. An early-morning tipster apprises us of two other notable departures: Tech writer Nicole Ridgeway, who's heading to SmartMoney.com, and L.A. bureau chief Seth Lubove, who's off to Bloomberg News. Why the exodus? Explains our tipster:

Yesterday we brought you outraged memo from new BusinessWeek web honcho Charles DuBow, who is forced to suffer uppity copy editors who think they're entitled to rewrite his genius headlines. Today word arrives that perhaps DuBow ought to have a bit more respect for the copy desk, both because the editors there might help him and because otherwise they'll hurt him. How so?

Forbes' agenda-setting media reporter this week catches up with an up-and-comer named Harry Evans, and he fills us in on the breaking news that Evans is married to Tina Brown, used to edit London's Times, and currently does some work for Felix Dennis's The Week. (Who knew?) We particularly like his meet-cute account of how Evans and Brown first met:

Forbes milks its Billionaire List publicity with billionaire horoscopes, built from commentary by professional astrologists. (Yes, this is how Forbes spends its budget.) Their lead: lots of rich folks were born under the sign of the virgin. (All right, who else predicted that?)

So many job changes have been crossing our desktop lately:

John Battelle loves Google. He started his book The Search by calling Google clever. (And from then on it gets friendlier.) He went to Google to give a reading of the book. Nowadays he plays a Google expert on TV.

We've spent far too much time poring over Forbes' dangerous list of the world's billionaires — like the blinking lights of a Nintendo, the reality of our own poverty triggered seizures. But after we took our medication, we were able to narrow down the list to those claiming residence in New York. And of those 50 New York billionaires, our somewhat unconfirmed research pulls up 29 members of the tribe. Only 29?! For shame!