Next Monday's New York Magazine apparently features, according to Choire Sicha, "a thorough examination of breakfast." Plus probably something about rich people and maybe autism. [Choire Sicha]

There's a new hotspot in The Bronx that you simply won't want to miss unless you hate sex and lunch meat. It's COUSIN VINNY'S LITTLE SECRET! Tell us: where else can you pay just $50 for six hours of hardcore lap dance action, unlimited fountain soda, and a footlong sandwich of your choice, all in "a discrete and totally safe atmosphere to indulge in your carnal fantasies": namely, a former Subway sandwich franchise. In the Bronx! We've been sent a transcribed version of the flier that "Cousin Vinny" Agnello—owner of a stripper service and the self-described "King of Bling featured as a "Celebrity" on the DIGGS WEBSITE" (two Diggs!)— is reportedly passing around the area. Our tipster says the local merchant's association is...concerned about Cousin Vinny's new venture. But we predict this will be a hot alternative to seeing Sex And The City. "MEMBERSHIP HAS IT'S PRIVILEDGES!" Vinny's full, quirkily awesome invitation, after the jump:

A hungry photographer gazed longingly at Tori Spelling's hot dogs at an appearance at the Hollywood landmark, Pink's. The appearance was to promote the second season of Spelling's reality series, yet the photographer's attention was primarily focused on the two uneaten hot dogs mocking him from Spelling's tray. Naturally, it was assumed that the photographer was staring at Spelling's cleavage, but the photographer defended his care bear stare by stating he got up too late for breakfast and those dogs were beginning to look like a steak from Ruth's Chris. Spelling explained that she wouldn't be able to share any of her dogs since she was eating for two and that, if he truly was that hungry, he should just wait in line like everybody else.

Wild urban youngsters these days are all eating magic fruit and guzzling Tabasco sauce, and there's really nothing you or the authorities can do about it. Internet-savvy hipsters flock to Long Island City rooftop parties where a dealer/ guru named "Supreme Commander" hands them crazy berries to chew on, sending them into blissful fits of uncontrolled food-sampling. If it spreads, this "flavor tripping" phenomenon threatens to destroy the traditional notion of exotic seasonings that hip chefs in hip restaurants in hip neighborhoods have worked so hard to achieve. Because, let's face it: these magic berries sound awesome:

Think of all the tasty treats of your childhood that you can't find any more—what mighty act of will would it take to bring them back into existence? "1,300 phone inquiries, an online petition with more than 1,000 signatures and Internet chat sites lamenting the demise of the snack." That's all it took for Kellogg to resurrect the odd Oreo ripoff cookies called Hydrox, which were discontinued in 2003 after nearly 100 years. Turns out some people really like their Hydrox! The product always seemed like an inferior, superfluous, knockoff cookie with a terrible name. Which it is! But that has proven to work in its favor from a marketing perspective, because, it seems, "Its fans came to see their sandwich-cookie choice as a call to arms for nonconformists." Sad—but effective. Unfortunately, its kitsch value is the only thing Hydrox really has going for it:

Here's the recipe for Mcdonald's new Southern Chicken Sandwich: "a breaded chicken breast garnished with two pickles." Why hasn't anyone thought of this breakthrough item before? They have! This same sandwich has been Chik-fil-A's signature for years. But McD's is all like, "Uh, what? We totally don't know what you're talking about." Whatever, sandwich thieves!

The advertising industry's annual self-congratulation festival, the Clio Awards, just wrapped up in Miami. The superbrilliant "Grand Clio" award for integrated campaigns went to a series of ads for Shreddies, a cereal in Canada. The grand idea? They turned the square Shreddies 45 degrees, called them "Diamond Shreddies," then filmed focus groups of people ranking the "new" product. Heh. I can dig it! If you're going to try to sell the same old cereal, at least acknowledge that the entire affair is a big farce. Below, two clips from the campaign. And a rant from one clever YouTube user (of many) who picked up on a scandal: Diamond Shreddies are the same as regular Shreddies!!!

Taco Bell's Value Menu slogan is "Why Pay More?" But if a rapper were to say it, they would say, "Why Pay Mo'?" Because black people can't talk right, ha! Cannily tapping into urban culture, the fast food chain is running a "Why Pay Mo'?"online promotion, complete with a Rap Name Generator (mine is Super Fly H. Nach!). Taco Bell's beef tastes like dog food, and their ad agency is making them look like a bunch of tone-deaf racists. But I can almost forgive them for all that, because their site's "Why Pay Mo' Rhyme Generator" allowed me to create a hip hop supergroup featuring evil columnist Andrea Peyser, Spitzer hooker Ashley Alexandra Dupre, drunk Post editor Col Allan, and author of the year Keith Gessen, all kicking rhymes about the fat value menu. Action photos below!:

Going to the movies is already way too expensive. In Manhattan, two tickets, a large popcorn, and a drink will run you more than $30. And since most movies suck, it's a hefty gamble. But "the price of movie tickets is expected to skyrocket by as much as 30% this year." What? Shouldn't competition from the internet and Netflix be driving the price of tickets down? How the hell can this happen? Besides the fact that Adam Sandler ain't getting any cheaper, this cinematic economic time bomb all comes down to one thing: precious, precious corn.

I like looking at weird-ass stuff. It's fun! So here is a collection of food art. After the jump, egg babies, a watermelon in some sort of terrible trouble, a really creepy Mr. Potato Head, and an orange assisting in its own doom.

Sure, the current dicey economic climate has reduced America to nation of terrified food hoarders. But more importantly, it has cost us some of our annoying and unnecessarily strange advertising icons: Applebee's Wanda Sykes-voiced talking apple, and a bunch of guys running around in bizarre red pigtail wigs on behalf of Wendy's. Take a moment to mourn them. "Both campaigns were meant to attract younger diners," the Times reports. But they failed, because kids aren't doing as many drugs these days, I guess. The companies' new advertising strategy? "Hey, look at our food."

American food, despite having devolved to the point that it is totally formulated by scientists, manufactured by machines, ergonomically packaged, and full of ingredients that do not occur in the natural world, is still a bit too challenging—and downright complicated—for many of our citizens. So Kraft, which makes many of your favorite brands of junk food, is dumbing down its packaging and product offerings so even the most simple among us can enjoy pudding, Cool Whip, and cheese slices. All together, even!

"It costs $482.79 to get a decent pizza in San Francisco-$17 for the pie, $85 for cab fare, and $378.80 for the flight to New York. Throw in $1.99 for tinfoil." Wired's Joe Brown enlists New York chef and pizza hound Mario Batali to figure out just why pizza is one of the many, many things that San Francisco can't get right. "'Californians do a lot of great stuff with their green-market goods,' [says Batali] but 'some of it's just not pizza.' I called the Iron Chef to help me figure out why San Francisco-a formidable food town-can't birth a respectable pie. Part of the reason, of course, is that while Rice-A-Roni and zinfandel are native to Northern California, pizza is not.

A restaurant owner in DC writes an essay about the experience of hosting the Pope's birthday party. He started planing the event six months in advance. He ordered a 12 square-foot cake in the shape of St. Peter's Square that was too beautiful to cut. He even flew to Italy just to get the plates made! The lunch menu included imported Puglia mozzarella, zucchini blossom truffle tagliolini, braised veal cheeks, and orange fallen truffle. Not mentioned: the tip. [WP]

I have two major issues with this disquieting viral ad for Hot Tub meat snacks [via Adrants]. First, the name of the product. Disgusting (and real? evidence is spotty). Second, the fact that this faux-documentary by the ad agency Saatchi & Saatchi is an overlong, too smart by half, stereotyped riff on hillbillies who keep an apparently retarded freak girl tied up in the basement. Somehow it just doesn't make me run out and purchase Hot Tub snacks. It can't be helping them in the crucial hillbilly demographic, either. And if it's all an attempt to show off the cleverness of the agency, well, Kentucky has ad clients too! You can watch the strange ad-thing below. Prepare to be offended, Appalachian stereotypes!

The world is running out of food! And not even fancy foods like heirloom cherry tomatoes or Sonic's deep-fried macaroni and cheese bites, but the basic boring foods that it seems like we should have plenty of, like rice. Rice! So Sam's Club, the warehouse division of Wal-Mart, is now "limiting sales of Jasmine, Basmati and long grain white rices." [Reuters]

PETA, the animal rights group skilled at making potential supporters forget about its cause because of all the nude women writhing around at the anti-fur PR stunts, is putting up a million-dollar prize for the first researcher who comes up with a good way to make meat in test tubes. Ahhhhhh! Throwupthrowupthrowup. Intellectually, it's clear that test tube-bred animal tissue would be a good way to allow people to have their precious Slim Jims without actually killing cows, and would presumably be chemically similar to normal meat. But really, just the thought of eating "test tube meat"—god, it's painful to even type it. Can't wait for the marketing machine to get started on the euphemisms for that product (suggestions?). After the jump, two clips that sum up my feelings on this issue: The classic "Soylent Green" ingredients scene, and Jim Gaffigan's "Hot Pockets" routine—"How about we fill a pop tart with nasty (test tube) meat? You cook it in a sleeve thing. Dunk it in the toilet."

Are you someone who's been frustrated with your inability to display your affection for Kellogg's-brand cereal through the medium of "urban" fashion? Well your problems are solved, my friend. Because "Under The Hood," a hot new clothing line, is here to fill all your Kellogg's-brand cereal fashion needs—with a comically played-out hip hop edge! Behold the flavor overload of Froot Loops track jackets, Honey Smacks "Dig 'Em" jeans, and some of the most embarrassed models in the world:

What exactly is Starbucks doing? They came out with their revolutionary, game-changing, not quite as burnt new house coffee last week, which pairs well with chocolate marble loaf. But along with the new $11,000 machines to make said coffee, the Death Star-like chain has introduced new coffee cups, and they're... brown? Was the design consultant who knows how to appeal to yuppies sick the day that decision was made? And now the company has bigger problems: McDonald's is determined to kick Starbucks' ass right where it lives. In Seattle!

Restaurants are calling in expert consultants to help them give you less food for the same amount of money. This clearly goes against the American way, which is embodied by the $5.99 Denny's Grand Slam Breakfast. The Washington Post reports that the tough economy is hurting restaurants' revenue across the country, and they're turning to devious tactics like smaller plates, lighter forks, and more vegetables to make you less likely to notice that your steak has gotten smaller. And the menus are being tweaked—apparently we are all psychological sheep.