Our nation's fast food outlets are all in that "teenage phase" right now, in which they all try to "find themselves" by trying on various new identities. Denny's is a "diner. Panera is a hippie haven. Everywhere else is now a "cafe." The only thing that our nation's fast food outlets can all agree on: they need more drunk people on their premises.

Most of us know that Spam is made from the most unsavory parts of a pig. And most of us know that factory workers are treated horribly by their overlords. But that doesn't make this story any less unsettling. [Gizmodo]

According to one of Dominique Strauss-Kahn's lawyers, just after the alleged incident with a hotel maid the Frenchman had lunch with his daughter in Manhattan. Now the Times has the details. It seems that DSK and his daughter ate at McCormick & Schmick's Seafood Restaurant on West 52nd Street — a chain restaurant. How uncivilized.

The results of a new study in the New England Journal of Medicine about weight loss will blow your mind. By analyzing the eating and exercise habits of 120,877 people over many years, doctors have concluded that downing a whole bag of potato chips makes you fat faster than just about anything else, ice cream and soda included.

Under the headline "Women flock to take horse-semen shots," we learn from The Dominion Post that "apple-infused" horse jizz, or Hoihoi tatea, is "like custard" and is a hot item at a New Zealand restaurant called Green Man Pub. The horse semen, for which the restaurant pays $300 (NZ) for 20 vials, is part of a meal of Asian duck and spring rolls that the restaurant is entering into Monteith's Beer & Wild Food Challenge.

Remember UCLA's racist YouTube ranter, who complained about Asians ruining her life with their annoying "ching chong ling long ting tong" language? She has inspired a new Asian-run campus business:

Gravity existence! Personal jetpacks! Squirrel love! Treadmill shrimp! Lion theories! Worm brains! Dwarf stars! Futuristic pots! And x-ray food from the very near future! It's your Monday Science Watch, where we watch science—without any fancy science degrees!

Years from now, when we're sitting in our old-people rocking chairs and fondly reminiscing about the memes of our youth, we'll be able to remember this weekend as the moment when Kool-Aid balls entered our national consciousness—shaping our eating habits for decades to come.

Oxy challenges! Dog watching! Jillian Michaels! School health-lunch! Sunscreen changes! Syphilis babies! Stroke prevention! Chantix problems! And people everywhere trying super workout programs! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—childishly!

Thanks to the tireless reporting of the New York Post's legal correspondents, we learned the vivid details of this one time that some rich people fought over the last Pad Thai in a Manhattan Trader Joe's frozen food aisle. And now we have the verdict: opera singer Marcella Caprario has been acquitted of all charges. In honor of this monumental verdict, let's revisit the Post's play-by-play of the January "fight" between Caprario and Dr. Catherine London:

A flaming "rum-and-banana concoction" went wild at a Florida restaurant yesterday, maiming four people with first- and second-degree burns. Coincidentally, one of the chefs was recently certified as a firefighter, so he saved everyone.

Just shortly after declaring bean sprouts from an organic farm in Germany the cause of an E. coli outbreak in Europe that has killed 22 and sickened thousands, health officials have now backpedaled.

Tangerine-dipped social construct Donald Trump took some heat from The Daily Show and others for stacking his two slices of pizza and eating them with a fork and knife on a recent jaunt to a Broadway chain restaurant with the Palin family. This provided a perfect opening for Trump to issue a public explanation and keep the controversy aflame for another few hours.

Michelle Obama and her nosy goons at the USDA have destroyed America's beloved "food pyramid" nutritional diagram in favor of a new "food plate," which they unveiled this morning. As if any Americans eat food off a plate? Wake me when the nutritional diagram for wolfing down food over the kitchen sink comes out.

Gluten taste! Chronic fatigue! E. coli! Lady clots! Food symbols! Cilantro nastiness! Sun safety! And eluding mosquitoes with potions made of science! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—hotly, of course!

The deadly E. coli outbreak in Germany could become a legal battle with Spanish authorities threatening to sue Hamburg officials for blaming Spanish cucumbers, which was proven false. The cucumber slur has cost Spain an estimated 200 million euros.

Mark Zuckerberg has begun personally slaying animals for food, part of a resolution to fully appreciate the meat he eats. The Facebook CEO's slaughter has been wide ranging, claiming a goat, pig, chicken and a lobster.

Mmm, Marmite. That yeasty, sticky tar that Brits love to put on toast. Just thinking about it makes your mouth water. But now, in fascist Denmark, Marmite trafficking is illegal due to its added minerals and vitamins. It seems that the Danish Ministry of Food, Agriculture and Fisheries is trying to make some extra cash from desperate British expats:

Looking for new ways to stymy your appetite? Try the FDA's Food Defect Action Levels Handbook, a great new diet book guide for food distributors and inspectors. It details exactly how many maggots a comestible good may contain before it gets banned for "aesthetic" reasons, i.e., "being too icky."

The federal government is working on new nutrition regulations for federally subsidized school lunch programs, meaning certain food industries will be waging all-out fights to protect their streams of revenue. This is not surprising in any way! Unfortunately, there's nothing in the Constitution protecting the potato industry's right to federal money, as Michele Bachmann wants the fight to be framed.