Do you know what kind of fish you're eating? Let's be very honest about the average American's palate: the average American is unable to distinguish a banana from a deep-fried Oreo cookie in a blind taste test. It is perhaps too much to expect the average American to be able to distinguish between perch and flounder. Which is probably why a lot of restaurants just sell any old fish and label it on the menu as "World's BEST Kind of Fish."

Ever since we started reporting on important fruit issues, a lot of desperate biters out there are talking about fruit. Look, let's put this whole fruit discussion to rest so that we can get back to more important matters. Here is the definitive ranking of fruits.

Have you ever shopped at a "Fresh & Easy?" No, me neither. (If you said "yes," you are an outlier, you are not representative, do not answer any more rhetorical questions.) You probably haven't shopped there because Fresh & Easy has "a novel store format that is bigger than a convenience store but smaller than a supermarket, and focused on fresh-food offerings." No wonder it's going out of business.

Here at Gawker, we stand in opposition to the back-slapping Lamestream Media and its cozy relationships with Big Business, from Big Fruit all the way to Big Pie. That's why we were the only news organization brave enough to come right out and ask, "Hey, how come you never see orange pie, on the menu or whatever?" It was only a matter of time before Big Pie sent out its MSM attack dogs to try to recapture the narrative.

So, says here that Lucky Charms' new advertisement is targeting not children, but "adults who as kids grew up with Lucky the Leprechaun and are apparently running back to him in search of some feel-good nostalgia." I guess the General Mills™ corporation just likes throwing away money these days, because all of the adults I know have been eating Lucky Charms this whole time.

Let us stipulate, as gentlemen and gentlewomen, that food can generally be divided into two separate and distinct categories: Sweet foods, and Salty (or Savory) foods. Accepting momentarily this fundamental bifurcation, we turn our attention, as we do so often, to nuts. Nuts. Are they a salty food, or a sweet food? The answer is not so simple.

Last week we asked you to give us some gift ideas for rational people, otherwise known as adults who are well aware that buying gifts for people other than children around the holidays is a waste of everybody's time, money, and good nature. Here are some of your suggestions for gift haters.

It's Thanksgiving, and you promised your friends and family that you'd cook something. But in preparation for seeing your friends and family, you've already started to drink. A lot. No worries — we've got five great recipes designed for the already drunk.

Oranges: a popular fruit. Very popular. Go in any place that sells fruit, fruit store, or whatever, and I bet one thing you will see there displayed prominently is—that's right—oranges. The point is that oranges are very popular in America. So then, smartass: why is there no orange pie?

Hostess, the maker of Twinkies, Ho Hos, Ding Dongs, and other forms of American health food, is currently the target of strike by its workers. If you're interested in the particulars of the issues at hand, the union's side can be found here, and the company's side can be found here. ("The walkouts began after bakery union employees rejected a unilaterally imposed contract that included wage and benefits cuts of 27 percent to 32 percent.") Regardless, as a fan of artificially flavored cakes, you may be interested to know that management has threatened to shut down the entire company if a deal is not reached today.

Let's get a few things straight right off the bat. Number ONE, the "Millennial" generation is the best generation, because they are currently the most fuckable-looking, and therefore their every whim and desire must be obsequiously catered to by the corporate forces seeking to exploit their "cool" factor for profit; Number TWO, all food must be recast in the image of whatever a corporation imagines the Millennial Image to be; and Number THREE, soup is great, mmmm, soup. We must have some Campbell's Millennial Soup.

Did you hear? New York Times restaurant critic Pete Wells reviewed Guy Fieri's new Times Square restaurant, Guy's American Kitchen, and he really hated it. Can you believe that? America's haughtiest paper disliked America's bro-iest chef's new venture in America's crassest den of commercialism outside of Las Vegas. Amazing. And yet—it turns out that other people who have tested Guy's American Kitchen, which opened in mid-September, have actually really enjoyed themselves. Here are 10 of those people (sic throughout):

There are a few simple rules of first-world hygiene. Don't share needles. Abide by the five-second rule. And under no circumstances* are you allowed to eat in a public bathroom.

There was a time, Ad Age tells us, when canned soup or cereal were considered "easy" foods to prepare and consume. Can you imagine? The package-opening, the pouring-out, the adding of milk or water—if that was "easy," people in the olden days must have had it rough! Kids these days know better. For America's Greatest Generation—the Millennials—the future of food is a simple process of raising the Tater Stuffer™ from the rotating 7-11 heating case into one's mouth in one smooth, painless motion.

Don't let anyone tell you what isn't art. But I'll tell you what this art is: delicious. Ernie Button is a Phoenix-based photographer who has been thinking way too much about his breakfast table recently. He's constructed landscapes, both natural and manmade, using Arizona backdrops and cereal foregrounds. And he's named it Cerealism, a term which is so obvious it doubles back to being clever.

Dog food repurposing factory Taco Bell, which is in the process of becoming "upscale" in the sense of "selling food with a greater number of ingredients than a bean burrito," is rolling out some new Snaxxx that are perfectly suited to the sensitive and ever-evolving American palate. In the sense of "containing a quantity of carbohydrates sufficient to sustain a camel's complete journey through the harsh Sahara Desert."

Good morning, America. Do you know why this is a special time to be an American? Because this is an amazing year for peanuts!

For decades we have been trapped by America's tyrannical "Five Second Rule," which mandates that all food be marinated on the floor for a full five seconds before it can be consumed. But not a second more! At long last, that rule has been tested.

Fast food restaurants: do you think they're "all the same?" Sure, and I guess human beings are "all the same" too, right? That's what Hitler thought, as well. For the rest of you, who know better, America's fast food establishments beseech you to take into considerations all the important factors relevant to your choice of a casual dining establishment. Once you purchase that McGriddle, there's no going back for a Croissanwich. This choice is forever.

Residents of America: have you been approached by a friendly-looking man offering you free sweets from the back of a truck? Beware! This is not just any garden variety perv; it is a European perv, trying to corrupt our youth—by convincing them that "Nutella" is an acceptable breakfast item. It is not.