fitness

Coffee Cures Women, Bad Comedians of Depression

Hamilton Nolan · 09/27/11 03:20PM

Cancer sex! Coffee women! Insurance cost! Doctor complaints! Fatherhood hearts! Diarrhea pools! Killer cantaloupes! Sleepy teens! And cheese is coming to take your soul to hell! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—inappropriately!

Sexualizing Kids Sure Is Expensive

Hamilton Nolan · 09/22/11 03:12PM

Bedbug death! Brain collection! Obesity drug! Depression stroke! Lung cancer! Sexxxy kids! Soup disease! Killer cantaloupe! And young people who think they're pret-ty damn clever! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—before you're ready!

You Will Soon Collapse in a Heap

Hamilton Nolan · 09/16/11 02:30PM

Metal hips! NYC smoking! Laughter medicine! Milk drinking! Teen vaccine! Child poison! Arnica healing! China babies! And smooth, smooth magnetic kiddie weirdos! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while we must be trippin!

What Ever Happened to All-Natural Drugs Like Heroin?

Hamilton Nolan · 09/13/11 03:40PM

Immune cancer! Alpha males! Child naps! Hospital sepsis! Kidney disease! Erectile cure! More diabetes! Designer drugs! And you won't want to miss today's fruit that will kill you! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—opioidally!

Women Be Anesthetizing

Hamilton Nolan · 09/07/11 02:19PM

Drinky ladies! Fewer smokers! Cheaper hospitals! Zombie mutants! Frozen athletes! Gay health! Cancer survivors! Pregnant painkillers! And you don't need no blood thinner girl, you look fine! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—relatively painlessly!

Your Pretty Hair Is Making You Fat

Hamilton Nolan · 08/31/11 09:14AM

We well-meaning men have been trying to tell you this for years, ladies: your fancy hairdo is dumb. And it sucks up time that could be better spent on other things like, I don't know, just to pick an example out of thin air... doing some exercise to get yourself in shape, for once.

America Takes Too Many Bites

Hamilton Nolan · 08/22/11 04:40PM

Preaching fit! Ninja warriors! Muscle cream! Bulletproof skin! Bite counters! Vanity benefits! Meditation strength! Novak Djokovic! And the stunning origin of the TRX workout trend! It's your Monday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—bitingly!

Just 15 Minutes of Daily Exercise Can Make You an Old Weakling

Hamilton Nolan · 08/16/11 04:22PM

Menopause things! Cancer secrets! Exercise longevity! Teen sleepers! Prostate genes! Virus superdrug! Healthy obesity! Addiction breakthrough! And Alzheimer's patients demand pancakes! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—in an ultimately futile manner!

Vampire Bat Rabies Is Here

Hamilton Nolan · 08/12/11 04:17PM

Vampire bats! Healthcare law! Medical tattoo! Stroke depression! Backward legs! Spice fat! Organic poultry Deer coli! And rampant death in Somalia is sad, for a second! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while sucking!

Gym Chain Offering 9/11 Anniversary Specials

Seth Abramovitch · 08/11/11 10:25PM

At the height of the Second World War, FDR gave a stirring radio address in which he reassured the American public that "no matter how dark the hour, we can take great comfort in knowing that an overpriced gym chain will eventually capitalize on it a decade later with some self-serving, bullshit coupon they damn well know no one will ever use." And what do you know? History has once again gone and repeated itself. Congrats, New York Sports Clubs! You are true patriots, through and through.

College Points Out to Freshmen: You Are Fat

Hamilton Nolan · 08/10/11 12:06PM

Most college freshmen only find it necessary to be mortified by their roommate, their room decorations, their dorm mates, the difficulty of the classes, their struggles with newfound freedom, their all-too-frequent intoxication, and the overwhelming sense of being a lost and anonymous soul in a brand new environment in which nobody loves them. Now, at least one school is working to ensure that they're also mortified by their own lack of physical fitness. Progress!

Mosquitoes Probably Want Their Sperm Back

Hamilton Nolan · 08/09/11 04:52PM

Triathlon danger! Heat death! Twin town! Crazy leaders! Spermless mosquitoes! Teen vaccines! Worthless soy! Old surgery! And the very latest way that you're killing your poor children! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—microscopically!

Coconut Water Is Just Sugary Water

Adrian Chen · 08/08/11 09:30AM

Monday got you feeling down? Here's some natural, ultra-refreshing schadenfreude to perk you up: That overpriced coconut water your health-nut friends have been chugging is basically just gross-tasting sugar water.

Antidepression Is the New Depression

Hamilton Nolan · 08/04/11 03:54PM

Alexander technique! HIV trends! Antidepressant popularity! Imaginary wrinkles! Expensive food! Sick ticks! Scorpion medicine! Elderly genes! And some very special research by scientist perv pornographers! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—maniacally!

L.A. Fitness Members Want the Body of an Old Lady

Hamilton Nolan · 08/03/11 03:46PM

Chocolate workout! Smaller gyms! Drummer warrior! Fast pushups! Helen Mirren! Tween athletes! Vegetarian benefits! Heart exercise! And Americans are still fat, all of us! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—plyometrixplosively!

Get Toned and Fit With New Hugo Chavez Workout

Lauri Apple · 07/31/11 05:45PM

Venezuelan leader and Leo Hugo Chavez has been trying to beat The Cancer for a while now, which has led some people to question his ability to run for reelection next year. This exercise propaganda vid should quash their pessimism right quick.

Internet Addiction Just as Bad as Real Addiction, But Not Cool

Hamilton Nolan · 07/25/11 04:24PM

Fertile China! Psychic dogs! Killer papaya! ADHD safety! Internet addiction! Breastfeeding asthma! Shrinking brains! Love psychology! And uncalled-for lizard posing! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—out of sheer desperation!