fitness

The Ecstasy of Accomplishment

Hamilton Nolan · 04/23/12 11:05AM

In order to better address the needs of our fitness-obsessed readers, we are introducing this semi-regular column, "I of the Tiger," to take on the vital hardcore fitness issues of our time. Today: you are what you do. Dig it.

Let's Talk About Pain

Hamilton Nolan · 04/13/12 09:05AM

In order to better address the needs of our fitness-obsessed readers, we are introducing this semi-regular column, "I of the Tiger," to take on the vital hardcore fitness issues of our time. Today: pain. Dig it.

Have a Freaking Goal

Hamilton Nolan · 04/06/12 09:00AM

In order to better address the needs of our fitness-obsessed readers, we are introducing this semi-regular column, "I of the Tiger," to take on the vital hardcore fitness issues of our time. Today: without a goal, you are nothing. Dig it.

Stop Doing Curls

Hamilton Nolan · 03/28/12 11:30AM

In order to better address the needs of our fitness-obsessed readers, we are introducing this semi-regular column, "I of the Tiger," to take on the vital hardcore fitness issues of our time. Today: big arms are dumb. Dig it.

It's Not a Competition

Hamilton Nolan · 03/20/12 03:20PM

In order to better address the needs of our fitness-obsessed readers, we are introducing this semi-regular column, "I of the Tiger," to address vital hardcore fitness issues of our time. Today: a reminder that the only winner in fitness is you. Dig it.

Work Out Alone

Hamilton Nolan · 03/14/12 11:49AM

In order to better address the needs of our fitness-obsessed readers, we are introducing this semi-regular column, "I of the Tiger," to address vital hardcore fitness issues of our time. Today: the journey to hardcoreness is a solitary one. Dig it.

Exercise Is the Only Fitness Option That Doesn't Make You Dumb

Hamilton Nolan · 02/17/12 12:33PM

Good news for everyone out there who's been called a "meathead" or a "doofus" or a "Jersey boy" or a "oxbrain" or a "big dumb galoot" simply because you enjoy lifting weights at the gymnasium: modern research shows that all types of exercise "ward off a host of cognitive impairments and enhances brainpower all life long." Which is good, because everything else designed to prevent you from being fat will, sadly, also make you dumb.

Responses to Emails About Our Definitive Scientific Ranking of Sports and Fitness Activities

Hamilton Nolan · 02/10/12 05:30PM

Earlier this week we brought you the Definitive Ranking of Each and Every Sport and Fitness Activity. We noted at the time that there is no appealing the rankings, because they are based on a very complex scientific formula that we won't go into here because it's probably over your head. Nevertheless, we received feedback on the list, in the form of emails from people with poor reading comprehension.

All 47 Sports and Fitness Activities, Ranked

Hamilton Nolan · 02/08/12 04:10PM

In this world, there are many ways to exercise. Some are actual sports; others are specific types of exercise; all will make you sweat, somehow. We have ranked them in scientific order, based on the following criteria: Physical Difficulty; Amount That You Would Be Humiliated If You Tried to Just Waltz In and Do Them Like Some Big Shot Because You Thought They Would Be Easy; and Overall Hardcoreness. Fake bullshit sports are not included. All rankings are final.

A Guide to Workout Supplements That Probably Won't Kill You

Hamilton Nolan · 02/03/12 03:41PM

The US Army has launched an investigation into workout supplements after two soldiers fell down and died from heart attacks after taking pre-workout boosters like Jack3d and OxyElite Pro, which contain DMAA, a no good very bad/ perfectly safe amphetamine that either gives you heart attacks or is totally innocuous, depending on who you ask.

Crossfit Is Over

Hamilton Nolan · 01/16/12 01:52PM

Did you get a chance to do Crossfit when it was still hardcore? Did you get a chance to do 15 body weigh overhead squats followed by 400-yard sprints for time until you puked, or Tabata intervals until you puked, or sled pulling followed by burpees followed by box jumps followed by muscle-ups, until you puked? If you haven't done it already, it's too late. Crossfit is over.

The Year in Super Hardcore Extreme Fitness

Hamilton Nolan · 12/28/11 12:05PM

Like a lazy kid scribbling his homework on the school bus, all the so-called "fitness experts" are stepping off their "Bosu balls" and putting down the "health food" to draw up some "year in fitness" articles. As if. Celebrity veganism? Old people walking more? Okay, grandma, sure thing. That article will go well with your neon leotard and rubber-coated five-pound hand weights you use to do bicep curls. Eschew the lying mainstream fitness media complex! Let us now look back at The Year in Fitness: Super Hardcore Extremes of Truth, Gawker Style (Muscle Time!) edition!

Fear of Jogging Proves Greater than Love of Soda

Hamilton Nolan · 12/16/11 03:15PM

For years, nay, decades, public health scolds have tried and tried to politely inform the American people that drinking gallon upon gallon of Fanta cola in lieu of water could have negative health effects, including but not limited to the fact that we as a nation are now enormous. But! Now, public health advocates have learned to tap into that most primal fear of Americans: fear of exercise.

As Long As You're Fit, You Can Be Fat and Not Die

Hamilton Nolan · 12/06/11 04:25PM

Finally, an answer to the question "How do I not die?" No, the answer is not "don't be a fat slob." Be a fat slob! Hey, you only live once—and not for long, in some cases! Just run. Run, run, run. Never stop running, from that monster, The Reaper, He Who Is Called Death.

Stretching: Useless As Well As Ridiculous-Looking

Hamilton Nolan · 11/16/11 05:05PM

Bone shaving! Mud runs! Tinsel Korey! Workout faux-pas! Terry's fitness! Stretching controversy! Boxing trainers! Exercise strategy! And the last overtraining question you'll ever need to ask! It's your Wednesday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—dynamically!

Rampaging Gymgoer Killed by Taser Attack

Seth Abramovitch · 11/01/11 12:53AM

Anyone who works out at a gym with any regularity is familiar with the unspoken laws of the weight room jungle: Allow fellow gymgoers to "work in"; don't grunt like a horny ape upon exertion; and, most importantly, don't lift your shirt to nipple level and admire your own abdominals in the mirror for extended periods of time. It's all pretty common sense stuff, and for the most part, people abide by it, making the gym a pleasant experience for everyone. But then, of course, there are those who don't.

Michelle Obama Engulfed by Seething Horde of Children

Hamilton Nolan · 10/12/11 09:00AM

As long as we allow her husband to occupy the White House, First Lady Michelle Obama is determined to continue her dangerous crusade to get America's kids in shape. Who is that lady to tell my baby he ain't eating right?

Whoops: Everything Healthy Will Kill You

Hamilton Nolan · 10/11/11 04:48PM

Fat running! Bad vitamins! Low tuberculosis! Peanut allergies! Woman chocolate! Restless legs! Baby talk! Cereal sugar! And your child's selfishness is all too astounding! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—fruitlessly!