"I can't imagine how my mom would feel if she found out both of my brothers are on steroids right now," says Christopher Bell, the narrator and director of a new documentary called Bigger, Faster, Stronger. Well he can imagine it now, because he made a movie about his brothers being on steroids! Along with other important American cultural figures like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Hulk Hogan, and Sly Stallone. The film is billed as a real, down-to-earth look at all sides of the steroids issue, not just a one-sided condemnation. These drugs are for stupid people and cheaters, but they're also everywhere. Why can't you look like that ripped guy in the gym? Because he's on steroids. Simple! (Anybody know any media people on steroids? Email us). The early reviews are good, and this is yet another thing that guys can do this weekend instead of seeing Sex And The City. Watch the trailer, after the jump.

Pictured, recent CAA defector Vince Vaughn is captured taking a brief moment out of his Griffith Park power-walking regimen to soak in the Southern California sunshine. After the jump, the Fred Claus star makes eyes at a passing fellow fitness enthusiast, then celebrates with his favorite post-workout ritual: flashing what remains of his quickly evaporating belly at his easily spooked, navel-lint-phobic driver.

Hey nerds, guess what? Being smart is no longer an excuse for being fat. The "ripsters" thing Nick Sylvester made up comes to terrifying life in today's Observer, where Doree Shafrir investigates tall tales of New York boys who read contemporary fiction but secretly have defined abdominal muscles. These literary Lotharios are real, and they're totally embarrassed about how they look good shirtless:

First, the media implants an unattainable idea in our heads about what a human body should look like. Then, on top of that, popular publications give confusing advice about how to achieve that impossibly cut look! In the last couple of days, the lying liberal media has published several articles on various fitness techniques. You don't need to read any of them, because we're about to round them all up and drop some serious knowledge on you about the phony, media-driven fitness fantasy. After the jump, how to save money and kick ass in this shallow, workout-obsessed world.

The newest entrant in the New York Times' strangely pedestrian fitness beat is today's piece asking, "To Stretch or Not to Stretch?" Short answer: If you're a gymnast or swimmer, yes; if you're a distance runner, no; for other activities, it's still an open question. So if you eliminate backflips and butterfly strokes from your workout routine, you can probably get away with no stretching at all, until a scientist tells you better. We just saved you so much time. How about the Times doing us all a favor by dispensing with this nonsense and replacing its entire Fitness & Nutrition section with nothing but empty white space and one single Amazon link to THIS:

Yankees shortstop and and King of New York Derek Jeter is lending his image to 24 Hour Fitness, which plans to open three Jeter-themed gyms in the city. He'll be helping to design everything down to the tile! The timing of the announcement is impeccable, since just yesterday Jeter was revealed to be the worst fielding shortstop in baseball by a scientific study from researchers at the University of Pennsylvania. Learn to boot ground balls and miss line drives because of your poor range, only at 24 Hour Fitness! The Post, however, found a clever rebuke for those pointy-headed scientists: "'I don't know what they're smoking down at Penn,' said Yankees fan Mike." Check and mate! [NYP]

"Hey, put that croissant down!"

Happy Thanksgiving! Did you know that all the people running for president are big fatties? The Times today reveals that running for president apparently involves eating corn dogs and other unhealthy things. Mike Huckabee, whose primary qualification for running this nation is that he used to be a fattie and now he's skinny, "eats lightly,"and all the rest of the losers have to pretend to care about fitness. Just like you! The Iowa State Fair sounds awesome: Barry Hussein Obama ate "caramel corn, pork and a corn dog for the cameras." And Senator Clinton is v.v. close to Jesus: "At one campaign event, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton said she prayed to God to help her lose weight." [NYT]

A tipster wonders what's up with yet-to-open LES hipster workout emporium Ludlow Fitness:

Early in the summer, we reported the imminent opening of Ludlow Fitness in the heart of the Lower East Side. LES residents were peppered with flyers offering discounted memberships and anyone walking past the corner of Ludlow and Delancey Streets was met with sales pitches from the card tables set up in front of the future site of the gym.

On Tuesday, we briefly mentioned the arrival of a new gym opening on Ludlow. There was much gnashing of the teeth as the usual suspects bemoaned (again) the death of the Lower East Side. Well, if the above flyer is any indication, there's nothing to worry about: They're going to fit right in.

This morning we called your attention to a Sunday Styles piece on the increasing popularity of fitness clubs — who knew? — and the interesting selective anonymity granted within the article. Writer Guy Trebay purported to spend 24 hours at the Crunch on Lafayette Street, and he proudly mentioned among its clientele Calvin Klein, Matt Damon, Sandra Oh, and James Iha. Four others were left anonymous.

Did you see Sunday Styles yesterday? If not, you missed the big news, carried over thousands of words jumping from the top of the front page, with lots of art and graphics and philosophical musing, that — and we hope you're sitting down — more people go to gyms now than did 20 years ago. (Who knew?) To commemorate this blatantly obvious fact, Guy Trebay spends 24 hours the Crunch on Lafayette, his local gym, and delivers a piece that in no way at all conveys the experience of spending 24 hours in your local gym. He does, however, catalogue the celebs who work out there, in an oddly bifurcated roundup that names some while granting others anonymity. Why this split, we wondered? And, more important, who are the unnamed celebs?

And what exercise secrets can we learn from a notoriously overscheduled workaholic? Squeeze in an hour at the gym every day, like at 6 a.m. on Monday mornings. (And make sure to have dinner with the family every night — so what if your kids have to wait till 9:30 to eat?) But if you prefer more than five hours of sleep a night? Well, then no big-money AMI contract for you.

Click to enlarge.

We've received a copy of a memo recently circulating around the House of Conde regarding four organized running events. For those of you who aren't fluent in physical fitness, we've provided our handy translation services:

• Dow Jones reorg combines print and online editions of WSJ. [AP via Yahoo]
• New Meredith editorial director Mike Lafavore fires Fitness EIC Emily Listfield and then gives himself the job, at least for now. How very Wennerian. [NYP]
• Carl Icahn's Time Warner breakup plan had a 37-page chapter on why Time Inc. doesn't fit with the rest of the company. How does John Huey react to that? "I didn't find it a very compelling chapter." Of course not. [NYO]
• Jack Shafer prefers his newscasters brunette. [Slate]
• Maxim redesign to remove "a layer of goofiness"; Graydon promises his next car will be a hybrid. [WWD]
• Breaking: Newspapers sometimes create sections as vehicles to attract advertising. [NYO]
• LAT NYC bureau chief to take on book-publishing beat, too. Because there's just not enough going on in the city itself to keep a reporter busy. [LA Observed]
• Eleven mags missed their rate base in the last half of 2005 — and that doesn't even court the half-dozen AMI titles set to miss in the next go-round. [BW]

"Not being able to walk is just fine. As long as I can still go to the... what? no? really? Shit."

On CNN.com today:

Legendary GQ editor Art Cooper died two years ago, after suffering a stroke while lunching at the Four Seasons with Men's Health editor Dave Zinczenko. Today's WWD notes a curious anecdote Zinczenko relays in the new issue of his magazine: