On Conan, Chelsea Handler discussed her contempt for red heads. The conversation quickly turned into a rant about having sex with guys with fire crotches. Awkward!

Jason "Gummi Bear" Davis—oil scion and brother of starfucker Brandon "Greasy Bear" Davis—got in a red carpet screaming match with his granny. He also retained Gloria Allred over a family drug intervention. Will 2010 be the Year of Gummi?

This week Village Voice columnist and flip-flop with socks wearer Michael Musto recreated Lindsay Lohan's recreation of Marilyn Monroe's last photo shoot because nothing says "Pultizer" like drag (Does it count as drag if you're naked? -ed). A small point that might have gotten overlooked as you held in your vomit: Musto's ass has "Fire Crotch" airbrushed in. Hey, Musto, you owe Brandon Davis a nickel. [La Daily Musto]

Despite the recent appearance of Lindsay Lohan's Sober Face (not to mention her Sober Nipples), there are a few disturbing indications that the Ghosts Of Cokepants Past are re-entering her life. The all-knowing, all-seeing eyes of TMZ caught Lohan enjoying the sabbath with some close friends at Villa last night (we're guessing they weren't watching the NBA All-Star Game). But when it came time to call it an evening, Lindsay's posse pulled a page from the Scooby Doo playbook in an attempt to fool the paparazzi into thinking she had already left the club: namely, they created a diversion.

Each Monday, Intern Alexis uses a rigorous scale to rank the happy pair-bonds cemented in the Times wedding announcements. But surely, the Times can't contain all the nuptial bliss to be experienced in the metro area. Ergo, the Post's weddings section, where the couples require a more flexible scale that can take into consideration differences in, say, life experience, and body type.

• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes — sans Suri, presumably — stop to assist a couple who had just gotten into a car accident. TomKat stayed with the victims and administered E-meter tests until the authorities arrived. [People]
• Paris Hilton and her kosherthug record producer Scott Storch revive "firecrotch," though it's just not the same without a tweaky Brandon Davis. [TMZ]
• Ivanka Trump shames the family by posing on the cover of Stuff. That is, assuming the Trumps even know what shame is. [Us Weekly]
• Diddy plants another seed in girlfriend Kim Porter; the couple is now expecting their second child, who will emerge from the womb covered in white chinchilla. [Page Six]
• Billionaire financier and alleged pervert Jeffrey Epstein had a lot of money, and he liked to spend it on big, fancy things. Or simple massages. [PBP]
• Al Pacino disparages the parenting skills of Beverly D'Angelo, the mother of his twins, because she didn't want their daughter to get stung by a bee. Bitch makes Joan Crawford look weak. [R&M]
• Conde Nast tries to kill Naomi Watts. [Page Six]