Legendary investment banker Bruce Wasserstein has died, the New York Times and Wall Street Journal are now reporting. The chairman and CEO of Lazard—and the owner of New York magazine—was just 61. [NYT, WSJ]

JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon shared some delightful news this morning. As expected, the bank posted super-solid earnings for the third quarter, generating $3.6 billion in profit based on $26.6 billion in revenue, results that were considerably higher than what Wall Street analysts were expecting. The House of Dimon also revealed that it's set aside $8.79 billion for compensation and benefits for the first nine months of 2009, just about enough to pay out $353,834 to each JPMorgan Chase employee. But don't think that's a good thing. It isn't! Because Goldman Sachs set aside $386,429 per employee for the first half of the year, and will likely put JPMorgan to shame when it reports earnings tomorrow. If you were thinking this world was unjust because millions of Americans don't have decent health insurance and a billion children around the world live below the poverty line, do yourself a favor and head over to JPMorgan HQ on Park Avenue later this afternoon and observe the people streaming out of the building. That, friends, is the true face of misery. [WSJ, Bloomberg]

Having some difficulty landing a job? Maybe you should consider starting your very own hedge fund! Contrary to conventional wisdom, it's a pretty good time to get started. And Business Insider has assembled a step-by-step guide to make the process that much easier. Just be sure to pick an appropriate name for your new fund—try to avoid words or historical events ("Ground Zero," "Auschwitz") that might conjure up negative thoughts, if at all possible—and you'll be good to go. [Business Insider]

We've said it before and we'll say it again: Mess with Jamie Dimon and you do so at your own risk. Last fall, during the bleakest moments of the financial crisis, the JPMorgan CEO began receiving threatening letters from a man who was angry about losing money a chunk of money following JPMorgan's acquisition of Washington Mutual. The anonymous letter-writer didn't just threaten to kill Dimon and promise to "McVeigh" the bank's New York office building. He also included a bit of white powder in one of the envelopes, which set off an anthrax scare at JPMorgan HQ. Duff McDonald recounts the episode in his new book on Dimon, Last Man Standing: The Ascent of Jamie Dimon and JPMorgan Chase:

Despite the drama of the past few months (and Matt Taibbi's best efforts), Goldman Sachs' reputation doesn't appear to have been damaged much—at least as far as job seekers are concerned. According to Vault.com—and for the 11th year in a row—Goldman was named the most prestigious banking firm to work for. [Crain's]

Executives at Wall Street firms that did not receive bailout funds from Washington (or have since paid it back) seem to be expecting to do fine this year: According to a poll by eFinancialCareers.com, "more than a third of Wall Street finance professionals surveyed expect their bonuses to increase for 2009." Those who work at Citigroup or Bank of America won't be as lucky, clearly. In what the Wall Street Journal describes as the most "intrusive" move into corporate compensation (but which others might just call "pretty reasonable"), pay czar Ken Feinberg revealed today plans to "clamp down on compensation at firms receiving large sums of government aid by cutting annual cash salaries" and shifting a chunk of it into company stock. [WSJ, Bloomberg]

Don't feel badly for your friend who's been out of work for months. Or the one who got laid off recently. Clearly, they're no match for this investment banker who's taking home a $1 million bonus this year, but has realized he'll have absolutely nothing left after accounting for his mortgage, Hamptons rental, private school tuition, ballet and fencing lessons for the kids, housekeeper, babysitters, gym memberships, and three psychotherapists (one for him, one for his wife, and a couples therapist). "Where am I going to move? Brooklyn?" God forbid! [HuffPo]

Former Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain is no friend of Ken Lewis, the outgoing chief executive of Bank of America. Thain worked with Lewis last year to engineer the merger of Merrill and BofA, but was kicked to the curb shortly after the deal was complete and almost instantly turned into the fall guy for the messy merger, at least in the version of events that Lewis recounted to analysts, reporters, and government officials.

Outgoing Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis has $53 million in pension benefits waiting for him when he leaves. [Fortune]

Yesterday afternoon, Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis announced that he plans to "retire" at the end of the year. And despite the fact he's facing ongoing probes by Congress, the SEC, and the attorneys general in New York and Connecticut over BofA's acquisition of Merrill Lynch, he's spent months dealing with withering criticism by Wall Street analysts and shareholders, and he's leaving the bank without a successor in place, Lewis is still maintaining that he—and he alone, without any pressure on him whatsoever!—arrived at the decision to retire. Per the farewell letter he sent out yesterday:

Stan O'Neal, Dick Fuld and Jimmy Cayne will have a new golfing buddy in a few months: Ken Lewis, the embattled CEO of Bank of America, just announced that he plans to "retire" at the end of 2009. [NYT]

Many people are pissed off at bankers in the wake of the financial crisis. Dalton Chiscolm is angrier than most. He's filed a lawsuit against Bank of America for "$1,784 billion trillion," damages he says he deserves because BofA didn't deposit a couple of checks into his checking account. (As for how much "$1,784 billion trillion" actually is, it's approximately 9 trillion times more than Bank of America is worth.) The good news: The judge assigned to the case is Denny Chin who presided over Bernie Madoff's $65 billion Ponzi scheme case, so he's used to big numbers. [Daily Finance, Dealbreaker]

Don't be shocked if you notice what has been an endangered species until recently—the elusive banquette-dancing, champagne-swilling hedge funder—make a comeback in the coming months. Hedge funds "had nearly $20 billion pour into their coffers last month, as investors flocked back amid revived market optimism." Or take the glass-half-full approach and focus on the positive chalk up the news to more evidence the recession is over. [Dealbook, HedgeFund.net]

"Tired of the government bailing out banks? Get ready for this: officials may soon ask banks to bail out the government. Senior regulators say they are seriously considering a plan to have the nation's healthy banks lend billions of dollars to rescue the insurance fund that protects bank depositors." Emphasis added, naturally. [NYT]

Hassan Nemazee, the banker and Democratic mega-fundraiser who was indicted last month for allegedly using forged documents to obtain a $74 million loan from Citibank—and who is currently under house arrest at his Park Avenue apartment—is facing new charges. He's been indicted for bank fraud and "aggravated identity theft" as part of what prosecutors describe as a $292 million Ponzi scheme that involves Bank of America and HSBC, too. Also, in case you've been mispronouncing his name all this time, the AP points out it's hah-SAHN' nah-MAH'-zee. Please make a note of it. [AP, Reuters]

Good news for the newspapers industry! The rate of catastrophic quarterly decline in ad revenue is slowing, slightly. Looks like that strategy of "Ohmigod, Jesus Christ...just fire everybody" is finally paying off, very modestly!

Further evidence that the fear that crippled Wall Street a year ago has almost entirely lifted: JPMorgan, which cut the dinner allowance for bankers who stay late in the office from $20 to $25 last spring, just bumped it back up to $25. [Dealbreaker]

You've heard about lots of Wall Street refugees who have lost their jobs and been forced to change careers. But have you heard the one about the former trader at the New York Stock Exchange who now drives a Mister Softee truck on Long Island? Bill Sonner says he's using the skills he learned on Wall Street to his advantage ("He's underpriced the competition and chased other, competing trucks away from his turf," says the Journal reporter). Sonner says his life is a lot less stressful these days. And, hey, it could always be worse: His brother, who also lost his finance job recently, occasionally works as his assistant. [WSJ/Video]

Do you remember Citigroup's "Live Richly" ad campaign from a few years ago? The bank spent more than $100 million plastering American cities with various cheeky sayings from 2001 to 2005. When the campaign was first introduced, it was during the mini-recession of 2001, and since Citi's existence wasn't threatened during that particular downturn, the bank managed to find some humor in the fact many Americans had lost their jobs or weren't earning as much as they had in the past. If you look back at them now, though, you'll see that they contain lots of useful advice for the 53,000 people who have been laid off by the bank over the past year ("Make ends meet. Bend down and touch your toes"), as well as the Citi employees who have managed to hang on, but who won't be collecting fat bonuses now that the federal government owns a third of the bank ("Go on a spending diet, but don't forget to sneak a little dessert"). Click here to experience the irony in all its embarrassing glory.

For tax evaders, the coming seven days are a time of panic, self loathing and wrenching decisions. Hanging over it all is the suicide of an apparently terrified plutocrat, reportedly wanted by the IRS for hiding a small fortune.