Better fire some more liberal opera show hosts and soon, Corporation for Public Broadcasting, because President Romney's got plans for you. Oh, he's got plans alright:

The New York Times says it didn't send a mass email erroneously telling loads of people their subscriptions were expired. But all indications are that the message originated from the paper or its approved vendor, likely as a mistake.

Feel like you deserve to be mourned by thousands of starving, hysterically sobbing North Koreans? Ever wanted to see an enormous portrait of your face being driven on the back of a 1976 Lincoln hearse? Well now you can, thanks to the magic of Photoshop!

Fascinating experiment in professionalized ego-blogging Thought Catalog has finally figured out the secret of life. "Wonder What The Secret Of Life Is," Brandon Scott Gorrell muses in the title of a post that begins with a quote from Atlas Shrugged. (Then apologizes for beginning with a quote from Atlas Shrugged.)

All of us working stiffs who have to report to the office on this slowest week of the year hate those people who are on vacation this week, right? And who could we hate more than celebrities, who are on vacation every damn day of the year? Well, here they are rubbing our noses in their beach vacations and lives of luxury. What assholes. Let's make fun of them, shall we?

2011 was a great year for instafame. With cameras and Twitter users providing blanket coverage of each big news story, the whole world became a potential micro-celebrity. Let's take some time to remember 2011's best flash-in-the-pan celebrities, and then forget about them, forever.

It's hard to imagine that Rick Perry, Newt Gingrich, Michele Bachmann, and Rick Santorum were hoping to be days away from the Iowa caucuses and spending most of their time attacking Ron Paul, who just so happens to be crushing them all. But here they are, and boy howdy are they spitting hot fire at this crabby old doctor-paleolibertarian! Here are some highlights.

After launching an electronic assault on local shops and abusing sick and pregnant warehouse workers, Amazon.com has been sued for ripping off and royally screwing over in every other possible way a partner that made Kindle cases. Maybe the e-tailer's 2011 New Year's resolution was "be evil constantly."

During a power outage at the Aruba Surf Club, a quick-thinking Jill Zarin lit her Hanukkah menorah, saving her kin from darkness with the light of nine small candles that lasted three long hours. Just like the Maccabees, running out of oil and threatened by darkness at a five-star Caribbean resort.

2011 offered us an amazing array of viral videos, ephemeral clips whose popularity was sometimes born out of mockery, sometimes out of amazement, and sometimes out of humor. Whether it was a woman falling into a fountain, an incredible time lapse piece, or the inescapable Rebecca Black, all of them found a way to draw millions of eyes. Here are some of the videos that kept the web spinning this year.

Rick Perry is still trying to convince Iowa voters that he's the most socially conservative candidate this godforsaken planet has ever seen, in his last ditch-attempt to get anyone to vote for him. We all remember when he was like, why are gays in the military when something something children Christmas Jesus? Then he pounced on his wife, putting her in her place. And now he's announcing that he's upgraded his anti-abortion club membership, after watching a movie about ladies.

An intriguing exclusive in The New York Times claims that many people shop on the internet... while drunk. Is it true? That's not for us to say—we're just here to help! What will you purchase, next time you are trawling eBay and Amazon while you're drunk?

Like a lazy kid scribbling his homework on the school bus, all the so-called "fitness experts" are stepping off their "Bosu balls" and putting down the "health food" to draw up some "year in fitness" articles. As if. Celebrity veganism? Old people walking more? Okay, grandma, sure thing. That article will go well with your neon leotard and rubber-coated five-pound hand weights you use to do bicep curls. Eschew the lying mainstream fitness media complex! Let us now look back at The Year in Fitness: Super Hardcore Extremes of Truth, Gawker Style (Muscle Time!) edition!

Was Anthony Weiner America's first heteroflexible Congressman? This is the question we find ourselves asking today, as Traci Nobles—the Weiner flirtation object shopping a memoir involving semen sprayed all over a Congressional bathroom—returns to the public eye with chat transcripts describing Weiner's desire for group sex with men.

I'm the kind of person who pays for all his movies, so I don't even know how to download something with BitTorrent. Not only does that make me a Luddite, it apparently makes me a person with good taste, because the most downloaded movies of 2011 are pretty much all awful.

You know what the state of Arizona needs? More xenophobia. Also, less knowledge of Mexican-American history and more fear and distrust between white people and immigrants. So thank god that a judge has upheld an earlier ruling by Arizona's school superintendent that a Mexican-American studies program in Tucson is a violation of the law, in part because it promotes "resentment toward a race or class of people." White people in Arizona, specifically!

This actor went hiking and needed the GPS to get back to his car. This actress' kids blame her for her breakup, another actress has an eating disorder, and yet another actress had a ton of plastic surgery. All those Hollywood ladies are the same.

Didn't get your fill last week of sobbing North Koreans, outlandish communist pomp, or nature "mourning" the passing of dictator Kim Jong-il? Luckily, his funeral had all three!

It's the end of the year, which means that it's time for Greek Orthodox clergymen and Armenian Orthodox clergymen to come together in order to "[scream] at each other and beat each other with broomsticks" during their annual cleaning of the Church of Nativity, where Jesus was born. As Jesus said, "If an adherent of a Christian sect with exceedingly minor theological or geographic differences crosseth into thine half of my birthplace whilst engaged in the very same charitable task as thou, thou must smite him with your broom."

Every single television critic has written their "10 Best of 2011" article and it's all, "Oooh, Breaking Bad." "Let's hear it for Community." "Friday Night Lights should never leave!" "Do you love Louie? I love Louie. You should love LOUIE!" Fuck them! All their damn lists are the same year after year. Here are some of the other things that happened on television when the critics were playing Ookie Cookie with each other.