Animated Hipstamatic photograph Zooey Deschanel dropped her lawsuit against Steve Madden over an alleged endorsement and a Candies shoe known as "the Zooey."

This boy band member had a string of fake girlfriends so that no one would know he's gay. This actress is keeping her pregnancy a secret, and this actor is married to a woman but secretly gay. Is there nothing but closets in Hollywood?

Anonymous really loved Megaupload. Still reeling over the loss of the best place to download the entire TLC discography on the web, members of the hacktivist collective have apparently launched an effort to build a replacement for the file-sharing service killed by the feds last week: Anonyupload.

Newt Gingrich is going to win the South Carolina presidential primary tomorrow. Not just because he yelled at two debate moderators for asking him debate questions this week, which brought him up about 20 percentage points in the polls. That wasn't enough to close the deal. But now that television survivalist Chuck Norris has endorsed him in a meditative World Net Daily piece, Romney's got no chance.

If you've taken your frustrations with the Stop Online Piracy Act to your congressman's online contact form and tried to type that famous protest cry "DELETE THE BILL! DELETE THE BILL!", then you've already discovered a dark truth: You get censored, thanks to oxymoronic "congressional rules." But don't worry, you can always curse out your congressman instead.

Hating Lana Del Rey is now the internet's favorite past time. It culminated today when LDR burn book Hipster Runoff accused the plumped-lipped singer of stealing her song "Video Games" from some old Greek ditty whose name we can't even spell. He cites his source as unnamed "indie music message boards" which I thank Jesus every morning I have no idea how to find.

What happens when an ouroboros finishes eating its tail? Does it eat its own neck and head, and then suddenly—mysteriously—vanish?

The ratings are in for America Idol's two-part premiere this week and the numbers aren't good. It's average ratings among 18-44 year-olds (the only people the universe cares about) dropped 44% from two years ago. Yeah, that's almost half.

Entertainment Weekly printed a teleplay excerpt from Aaron Sorkin's new HBO show, The Newsroom, last week. And holy shit, it's the most Aaron Sorkin thing ever. If you were hoping that Aaron Sorkin would use his Social Network Oscar win to create another bullshit meta-drama where he uses his characters as empty speechifying vessels that tell you HOW AARON SORKIN THINKS THE WORLD SHOULD WORK, you're in luck! Because this excerpt is exactly that.

According to some dodgy sources, Camille Grammer, the only person to ever improve her image by doing a second season of a reality show, doesn't want to return to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills for season three. What a shame.

It's been 13 months since President Obama chose to start "evolving" his stance on gay marriage back to where it was in 1996. In what world is evolution supposed to be such a slow, gradual process? He might finally be wrapping things up, though, as Press Secretary Jay Carney today would not rule "in or out" the possibility that he'll announce his support for gay marriage during next week's State of the Union.

Lauren Kornberg, the professional dogwalker who discovered a severed head in the Hollywood Hills this week—the one that a paparazzi agency is shopping photos of with a smiling mystery woman posing next to it—says she never snapped pics of the gruesome find. She does, however, have a theory about who did.

Oh the harm that can befall a guidette during the greatest sociological experiment of our time. Sure she can't be sullied by reputation, but there are still horrible fates than can befall her, like the intractable tangle of her weave. And that was just the start of last night's disasters.

Andrew Adler, the owner and publisher of the Atlanta Jewish Times, a weekly newspaper serving Atlanta's Jewish community, devoted his January 13, 2012 column to the thorny problem of the U.S. and Israel's diverging views on the threat posed by Iran. Basically Israel has three options, he wrote: Strike Hezbollah and Hamas, strike Iran, or "order a hit" on Barack Obama. Either way, problem solved!

Anonymous staged one of its largest attacks ever yesterday in retaliation for the Feds shutting down file-sharing site MegaUpload for allegedly being a criminal copyright-infringement conspiracy. Anonymous should probably learn about the spectacularly greedy playboy they've rallied behind in the name of free culture (and tricked others into rallying behind).

The Ron Paul people resorted to firing up a big ol' hot air balloon in "the middle of the frontage road" right out there off of I-85 in upstate South Carolina yesterday as a means of getting any attention whatsoever in the state. It worked: Palmetto State motorists, transfixed by the aircraft's radiance of Liberty, sat in traffic for four miles. The highway cops eventually issued the balloonists a warning for "improper lane use" and got them to pack up.

Etta James, the great singer, died today in California of complications from leukemia. She was 72. Over the six decades of her career, James won six Grammys and was inducted into the Rock n Roll hall of fame, survived a heroin addiction and a variety of health problems, and sold millions of records. In 2009, the Obamas danced to "At Last" — sung by Beyoncé, who played James in Cadillac Records — at the Neighborhood Inaugural Ball. Above, her "I'd Rather Go Blind," recorded in 1968.

Popular iPhone bathhouse app Grindr, which allows gay men to find each other for encounters based on location, was hacked by an Australian hacker. Apparently the app has little to no security. Your dick pictures are not safe!

Cleveland CBS affiliate WOIO's news cameras were shut out of the federal corruption trial of local county commissioner Jimmy Dimora. So they came up with a workaround: The Puppet"s Court. Each day, puppets—make that news-puppets—reenact the proceedings during the newscast, complete with a roving squirrel-reporter explaining the trial and wiretaps of muppet-like mobsters talking about hookers and genital warts. It's news your kids will love.

This hip-hopper is going to revive the career of the singer he's been sleeping with on the sly. This celebrity divorce will go very smoothly because the husband knows some scandalous secrets about his soon-to-be-ex-wife's family. Now that's better than a pre-nup.