Last September, Barack Obama addressed the nation's schoolchildren to start the new academic year, and conservatives went insane. Many parents worried that Obama would "indoctrinate" their children with Marxism. So where's the angry chorus for this year's same speech?

A British judge sentenced washed-up singer George Michael to eight weeks in jail after he admitted to crashing his car while stoned in July. He should move to America. Here, celebrities get 37 seconds in jail for the same crime.

Democrats are pushing this scary new ad about lobbyist-loving golf whore John Boehner, the House minority leader who could become Speaker. But is Boehner well-known enough to be an effective bogeyman for the Democrats this fall? Probably not.

A new British study of lads (and lasses?) who play shooting video games suggests that all that virtual spatial-navigation improves ability in driving, multitasking, and "reading the small print." Sure you're a dehumanized, sociopathic monster, but you drive so well!

Snooki sings a requiem for her coiffure of yore. Penelope Cruz confirms her pregnancy. Montana Fishburne is going to rehab. Chelsea Clinton averts her eyes from her husband. Come revel in the delights of Tuesday gossip.

Definitive proof that God speaks English: He wrote "CAT" in this cat's fur. Unless, of course, cats are tools of a forgetful Devil who needs his disciples to wear name tags.

PETA's surprisingly reasonable complaint about Lady Gaga's meat dress: "After time spent under the TV lights, it would smell like the rotting flesh that it is and likely be crawling in maggots." That's why I prefer mink stoles.

It's all very simple, as far as AOL's CEO is concerned: The Web is ugly because it was designed by Silicon Valley nerds, so let's hire creative geniuses like the Jonas Brothers to redesign it.

John Mayer has quit Twitter. Repeat: @JohnCMayer has qwittered. This startling development comes three days after Mayer tweeted a photo entitled "Self Portrait of The Artist Three Days Before His Metaphoric Retirement." Here are his last tweets, preserved for posterity.

In your crowdsourced Monday media column: The Huffington Post covers the hell out of Arianna Huffington; Janice Min refuses to be spoon fed; and the New York Times lets NYU students loose on its blog.

Intentionally annoying Sen. Joe Lieberman feels relevant again! Today he said "I will do everything I can" to stop Democrats from allowing Bush's upper-class tax cuts to expire. Everything? Will he streak around the Capitol's south lawn wearing diapers? Probably.

Iowa's curmudgeonly senior senator, Chuck Grassley, is easily the funniest senator on Twitter. And in this new "youth-targeted" reelection ad, the old grump promises to tweet more often, for the people, until he finally keels over.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have postponed their show at Fashion Week tomorrow because "production and delivery of our samples is delayed." They will present the latest in Amish bag lady chic at Paris fashion week, instead. [WWD, image via Bauer-Griffin]

The GOP is getting tired of these Tea Party candidates putting their expected Senate pick-ups in jeopardy. Christine O'Donnell, a weird anti-masturbation lady running for the Republican Senate nomination in Delaware, is the latest example. The party wants her gone.

Details gathered a bunch of sexy Russian spy Anna Chapman's ex-boyfriends for a kiss-and-tell drinking session, and the result is like busting open a fire hydrant connected to a pipeline of douche. Let us bear witness.

A diplomat at the Saudi consulate in LA is seeking asylum, saying he fears his countrymen "will kill me openly in broad daylight" should he return. Why? Because they found out that he's gay, and friends with a Jew. [via]

Beautifully tanned House minority leader John Boehner strangely went off-message on CBS' Face the Nation yesterday, by apparently agreeing to Barack Obama's plan for extending certain Bush tax cuts. What is wrong with him?

A 54-year-old Parisian is either a modern Casanova, a fraud, or the French incarnation of the "anchor baby" bogeyman. He claims to have fathered 55 children, each with a different foreign-born, welfare-collecting mother. Expect this story on Fox News tonight.

Fashion Week kicked off last Thursday and that very day a model bit it on the runway at the Concept Korea show. In her defense, it is hard to walk and carry an apple at the same time.

Remember that hoodie with the strange, cult-like symbol inside that Mark Zuckerberg wore to the D8 conference? In June, one was sold on eBay for over $4,000. If you're pissed about missing that chance to waste money, here's another.