Are you familiar with "hobbits," or Homo florsiensis, the wee, extinct human species thought to have lived tens of thousands of years ago? Are you aware that they might have been hunted and eaten by enormous, six-foot-tall storks?

Does anyone know where Steve Jobs is? Apple has something for him. According to California state records, Apple owes Steve Jobs $37.91—but they can't find him to deliver it themselves.

Facing a booing crowd in Europe, a PayPal executive tried to explain why his company blocked donations to Wikileaks. He cited a letter from the State Department calling the secrets-sharing site illegal. Sadly for him, no such letter exists.

Multi-billion dollar fashion conglomerate Jones Apparel Group has a serious sicko on staff. Apparently someone keeps leaving used tampons in the office hallway and it's become such a problem that a top exec is sending out company-wide emails about it.

Nefarious Londoner Amir Ali used a petrol bomb to destroy a pub, then turned around and ran face-first into a lamppost. Here's security camera footage of the violent criminal looking like a total dum-dum.

Star Wars mastermind George Lucas has purchased a property far, far away from his Bay Area compound. Well, not that far. It's near Santa Barbara. He paid a way-lower-than-listed $19.5 million for this oceanfront two-building property. Holy nerf-herders, that view!

Moments after Wikileaks supporters gave an attack order, credit card network Visa just saw its website taken offline. Mastercard.com, meanwhile, also remains down.

Discount drugs! Energy drinks! Capitol Hill junk food! Cancer moneymakers! Meditation depression! Food allergies! Youth sports fat! Baby thumb fat! Soldier fat! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dipped in Icy Hot, furiously skipping rope!

Did Salma Hayek just solve the polarized war over immigration? By admitting that she, too, was once an undocumented worker, Salma clearly enunciated the vital role of immigrant workers who happen to have sexy breasts.

Paul McCartney's ex-wife Heather Mills is taking credit for finally getting the Beatles on Apple's iTunes: "I organized it all with Steve Jobs." Sounds unlikely, but maybe it takes a notorious ex to stare down a notorious negotiator like Jobs.

House Republicans have released their schedule for next year's session: One week off for every two weeks on. Think of all the full weeks you'll be able to spend with your congressmen now!

Barbara Walters gave a preview of her interview with Oprah Winfrey today, and was kind enough to give us the moment we've all been waiting for: A direct discussion of Oprah's gay-seeming relationship with Gayle King. It made her cry.

The straight male porn star who tested positive for HIV earlier this year has gone public and is now saying porn should have mandatory condom use and that doing gay scenes is what gave him the virus that causes AIDS.

Cancer-stricken Michael Douglas simultaneously "feel[s] stronger every day" and "prepares to die!" on the newsstand this week. More evidence that magazine covers contain the most lies? [Image via Reddit]

In an embarrassing effort to be "political" or something, Khloe Kardashian went on George Lopez Tonight (great political forum) and said of the TSA screening process: "They basically are just raping you in public." No, Khloe. No they are not.

Anonymous is taking credit for shutting down Mastercard's web site in retaliation for the credit card network refusing to process donations to Wikileaks. Mastercard says the shutdown isn't affecting transactions, but the BBC is hearing from merchants who say otherwise.

Noting their success at other grocery stores, Pittsburgh-area Walmart wonder emporiums are petitioning for permission to install self-serve wine kiosks that require an ID swipe and a breathalyzer. Makes sense, given Walmart's large and demanding wine-connoisseur/oenophile client base. Mm, Walmart-wine.

Paparazzi terrorize Britney, who just wants to shop. 12-year-old Jaden Smith gets his first bodyguard. Lindsay Lohan's driving privileges are restored. Milli Vanilli star works on weird comeback. Wednesday gossip makes a list and checks it twice.

Karen Lueders of Sheboygan, Wisc., has been charged with "felony mayhem." What counts as mayhem in Sheboygan? How about biting your husband's tongue off when he tries to kiss you goodnight?

Hundreds of attractive people dressed in black descended on Miami this past week for Art Basel Miami Beach, the international art exhibition. But don't be sad if you didn't go! We've got you covered here with plenty of sweet photos.