CHET HAZE, Northwestern University's most prominent aspiring West Coast rapper who is also a son of the star of the movie Castaway, has a Valentine's Day present for all of you motherfuckers: a mixtape, of Chet Haze songs. Yea, sorry. That's all.

Billy Ray Cyrus says "there's no doubt" his family is under attack from Satan. LiLo spent Valentine's Day with SamRo. January Jones only feels safe when photographers are near. Tuesday gossip sins.

This sexy lady's current paramour can't bring her to climax! This Oscar-nominated actress is cheating with a costar and this celebrity is cheating on his similarly-famous wife—with another man. At least the cheaters are getting off!

Gather round, children, and listen to the terrifying tale of New York City Housing Authority employee Anthony Dingle: in his workplace of woe, poor Anthony lived in a constant state of dread, fearing the evil cackle of his shrewish supervisor. Career—or calamity? This, we tell you, is a story of the darkest depths of distress and dejection. The story of a man whose boss's voice made him puke.

[No event in New York is photographed as extensively as Fashion Week. Continuing our trip down the glamour rabbit hole, here are some more of the best images from the barrage. This tableau, above, opened the Monique Lhuillier show. Image via AP]

Whatever coalition remains from the defeated Iranian uprisings of 2009 hit the streets again today for demonstrations, hoping to build on momentum from the 2011 Tunisia-Egypt Wave of Freedom Everywhere. After all, the Iranian regime had been encouraging the demonstrations in Egypt; why shouldn't it allow such protests in its own streets? Because then the Iranian regime might get overthrown, duh.

Julian Assange's Wikileaks has hired torture-loving, Obama-concern-trolling Harvard Law professor Alan Dershowitz to advise it on how to combat the Justice Department's effort to wrestle data about its online behavior from Twitter.

Charlie Sheen, currently the only patient at the Charlie Sheen Celebrity Rehab Center located in Charlie Sheen's House, has decided he's ready to go back to making America's most popular sitcom Two and a Half Men. But they don't want him back!

We asked our beloved commenters for their best and worst breakup stories. We received lots of tales of heartbreak that would make even the most diehard romantic hate Valentine's Day. But, naturally, there could only be one winner.

Gay British radio host Scott Mills visited a Ugandan witch doctor for a television special called The World's Worst Place to Be Gay. The doctor's cure consisted of stripping Mills to the waist, beating him with a live chicken, placing a torch over his head, and then pouring water over it. Congrats, he's no longer gay!

Brain friends! Comet comparisons! DNA crime laws! Energy drink deceptions! Monster phalanges! Space sex! It's your Monday Science Watch, where we watch science—friendlessly, endlessly, relentlessly!

Serene Branson, the reporter for L.A.'s CBS affiliate who rather scarily descended into gibberish during Grammy coverage last night, did not have an on-air stroke. According to the New York Daily News, she wasn't hospitalized, is "feeling fine this morning," and was given the OK by paramedics at the scene after inexplicably speaking in tongues during a live shot. CBS isn't feeling so great about things though: It's started systematically trying to remove clips of the glitch from YouTube, citing copyright infringement.

Shirley Sherrod, who was fired from her USDA job last year after Andrew Breitbart posted online an edited video of her, has filed a lawsuit for libel and slander against Breitbart in D.C. Superior Court. The suit was filed on Friday, and Breitbart was served with it this weekend, while attending the Conservative Political Action Conference, according to The New York Times.

The White House released its big budget proposal today for fiscal year 2012, which begins in October. There's been talk about major cuts the administration would be making, and this proposal would supposedly cut $1.1 trillion in deficits over the next ten years. It mostly accomplishes that through a five-year spending cap on non-defense discretionary funding, an area that only accounts for 12% of the budget anyway and isn't related to America's long-term debt problems. But it may make President Obama seem tough to Washington Post columnists, so it must be done!

Collin Campbell, a Machinist's Mate 2nd Class in the Navy, is under house arrest after a fellow Navy guy borrowed his iPhone and discovered a bunch of kiddy porn in a folder labeled (drumroll) "porn."

Last week, Manhattan's highfalutin Century Association made news for its internal argument over whether to sever ties with the Garrick, a club in London that doesn't admit women members. One of the Century members who came down firmly on the side of "I will not be inconvenienced on my next trip to London by silly ladies and their foolishness": 60 Minutes' Morley Safer! The NYT got its hands on a letter that ol' Morley sent to his fellow club members. Enjoy:

If you're in a committed relationship, you'll need to observe Valentine's Day in one way or another. The problem is that there are few suitable gifts for the romantic holiday and each one carries with it a certain connotation. Be careful what you choose, because it says a lot about you.

Republican tribal god Rep. Ron Paul hit the television circuit this morning to celebrate his big straw poll win at this weekend's insane Conservative Political Action Conference. How does Paul feel now, knowing that Republican voters want him to be president, at least according to this straw poll for which he bused in hundreds of supporters? He's flattered as always. Such a humble man, that Doctor Congressman Ron Paul.

When it comes to embracing iconic haircuts, America would rather bask in the '90s glory of The Rachel rather than the '10s wonderment of The Bieber—well, at least at the box office. Everyone says Bieber is shitty, but today he is officially number two.

It began as a simple racial slur by a white frat boy at the University of Alabama. But over the past week, college-based racism in America has snowballed into a certifiable trend. Observe: