Fox News' "America's Election HQ" website published one of those "wacky coincidence" stories yesterday that will make you want to take a cold shower or seven after reading: A student at George Washington University committed suicide yesterday, just as President Obama was giving his major deficit-reduction speech at another campus building. Not that there was anything linking the events, but apparently it was enough of a nutty coincidence for Fox News to make note of it as important political news. Ick.

MySpace's revenue has cratered and hope of an acquisition is distant. Time to sue the foundering social network while there's still a little money left in its checking account!

While celebrated moonbeam Gwyneth Paltrow spends most of her time slaving over a hot custom-made pizza oven, preparing nice meals for her family, sometimes she needs to eat too (about once a month) and it'd be nice, maybe, if just once her ungrateful brood of wretches returned the favor. But apparently they don't.

Noted fashion designer (and Jew) Donna Karan says that John Galliano's anti-Semitic rants were "blown out of proportion." She told New York magazine, "I know John. I've met John. He's a wonderful designer, a brilliant designer, and he probably needs help and support right now. To be a designer's a very taskful situation, and sometimes it can push a few limits." Yup, give it six months and he'll be fully back in the fashion industry's good graces.

Here's a trailer for Rise of the Planet of the Apes, the flashy new prequel to Planet of the Apes. Apes. It's about apes. Did you get that? Yeah, and James Franco is the scientist who makes all the apes smart and take over the world.

A poor, unsuspecting guy caught on fire while sitting in a private booth "watching videos" at a porn shop in San Francisco. He ran out of the shop engulfed in flames. It's still unclear how the fire started, but I have been in the back of more than one porn shop in my day, and it has been known to get a little...um...hot back there?

So the deal for the "largest spending cut in history" that no one knew the components of until ~5 minutes ago is coming up for rubber-stamping today, to avoid a government shutdown. The votes are expected to be there. But maybe we'll get lucky and the government of the greatest nation in the history of the world will shut down anyway, over confusing math.

Sarah Lawrence is America's most expensive college. It'll cost you a cool $59,000 to send your whelp there to sit shoeless on a grass lawn, becoming a lesbian. Why so pricey? The school's president has all sorts of dubious explanations.

Last night I made the mistake of watching Modern Family in real time. The problem wasn't that I couldn't fast forward through the commercials (though it did suck) but that I got sucked into not one, but two episodes of the new sitcom Happy Endings that followed it. Even worse, I actually liked it.

Last night's installment of Ryan Seacrest's Fantasy Island involved the eight surviving kids yelling at us about movies. Specifically, they sang songs from movies. That was the theme. Only, it was hardly a theme at all.

Masturbatory American Apparel boss Dov Charney has caused a good deal of cognitive dissonance lately: on the one hand, he's institutionalized sexist objectification at his company, but on the other hand, he may actually be innocent of the most recent sexual harassment allegations against him. So it's good that Dov is always ready to bring clarity to the situation. Even when he's innocent, he's still a sleazebag.

A lot of people use YouTube to upload original content of adorable babies. But a lot of people use it to post copyright-violating clips of TV shows and Lady Gaga videos. Now, YouTube copyright violators will be sentenced to "copyright school."

Mickey Rourke takes back a compliment and trashes his movies. Lindsay Lohan brags about her mafia connections. David Arquette fails to seduce his wife at Disney World. Thursday gossip is full of failure.

This down-and-out actress has been making ends meet with credit card fraud. This actress is sleeping with Oscar winners so the Academy will take her seriously. And this basketball star is cheating on his famous wife. At least he isn't facing jail time.

Hugo Scheckter is a sophomore at George Washington University. He's also the Managing Editor of the school newspaper, The GW Patriot, and President of Club Sports. In other words, he's a good kid and a go-getter. So when someone lifted his iPad on Saturday night from his dorm — along with some cash and his laptop — Hugo took matters into his own hands.

Tonight, David Letterman told a joke about the A380 that clipped a smaller plane at JFK and compared the jumbo jet to Kirstie Alley. Later he wondered whether Alley is comfortable being called "heavy or large or jumbo or fat" before apologizing to her—but that didn't stop the jokes.

A Tennessee kindergarten teacher punished a student for being messy by telling his classmates to encircle him, "call him a pig and make pig noises." Don't worry—she was suspended for a day!

Unless you've been living under a rock, you've undoubtedly seen Donald Trump spouting his "Obama wasn't born in this country" nonsense all over the place in recent weeks. Tonight, using the unlikeliest of allies—Michele Bachmann! Bill O'Reilly!—Jon Stewart put Trump's ridiculousness into perspective.

After he was slapped with a technical foul during a LA Lakers game last night, Kobe Bryant directed a homophobic slur at the referee who made the call, shouting "fucking faggot" at the ref from the bench.

Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum has announced plans to form a presidential exploratory committee! Santorum is, of course, the anal sex byproduct candidate, but he's so much more than that, too—he's also the family values candidate: