It appears that Chicago Mayor-elect Rahm Emanuel has found his top political adviser, a red man-sized furry bull whose "fixer" talents have largely been wasted in his previous role as a mascot for the Chicago Bulls basketball team. It really wouldn't be surprising to see Rahm Emanuel leave his wife for this natural soul mate. [30FPS via Wonkette]
I am old, crotchety, and weary of the complexities of modern life. So I am not a trustworthy judge of kids these days. But when one of the best-selling bands in America is just the imaginary band starring in a Disney made-for-TV movie...that's messed up, right?
Now that Barack Obama has released his long-form birth certificate, let's play What Other Evil News Is He Trying to Distract Us From? Maybe it's this: The AP reports that CIA Director and former Bill Clinton chief of staff Leon Panetta will take over for Defense Secretary Robert Gates this summer, while Afghanistan commander Gen. David Petraeus will replace Panetta at the CIA. Does the Obama administration want us talking about this?
If you criticize Vanessa Hudgens' weight, she will pop a cap in your ass. Kate Hudson is engaged. Beyonce gets sued for ruining Christmas. Will.i.Am cleans his butt with baby wipes. Wednesday gossip takes it to the streets.
This comedian was so worried about laugh lines that he had his face fixed by a professional. (Now he just needs a trainer for that body.) This celeb threw a huge bash for his anniversary, except he got the date wrong. Oopsie!
We hasten this morning to bring you the very latest on the Penn Frat Party Camel Abuse Controversy. What's that? You haven't been following the uproar at the Ivy League that erupted after the Zeta Psi fraternity went to a petting zoo and rented a camel for its "Spring Fling" party? And how some people objected to the way that the camel was surrounded by drunken Greeks and petted to within an inch of its life?
Of course it's San Francisco — the same city that banned Happy Meals, plastic bags, tasering kids, sitting on the sidewalk and fun in general — that might vote on banning male circumcision in November. A collection of "intactivists" (ha, good one) proposing a ban submitted over 12,000 signatures to the city's Election Board yesterday, with 7,168 verified signatures required for the bill to go to a vote. They should know if the signatures are legit within a month.
Drawing Hitler moustaches on subway movie posters, yearbook pictures and images of Barack Obama is a time honored tradition in America. But in Britain, drawing one on a Conservative politician's campaign poster can turn a tiny, quiet hamlet into a police state. At least that's what happened to Pitcombe, Somerset, after one appeared on a likeness of Conservative councillor Mike Beech in the village and he called police to cry about it.
Starbucks has attracted its fair share of negative attention over the years. Here's another bit of bad news for detractors to feast on. Last week, a group of friends was socializing outside a Starbucks near Richmond, BC when they noticed a rat enjoying the coffee chain's delicious syrup dispensers. Naturally, they filmed the action. And now you're nauseous. [BCLocal via Eater]
Mitch Hunter, an army private from Indiana, has become the fourth American in history to successfully undergo a face transplant. The operation took 14 hours and required a staff of 30 at Boston's Brigham and Women's Hospital, who have now performed three such groundbreaking procedures.
The International Association of Fire Fighters—the sexiest of all unions—has announced that it's suspending all of its contributions to federal candidates "out of frustration with Congressional Democrats." Which is not an uncommon feeling these days! But the firefighters' union donated nearly $2 million to Democratic candidates for the 2010 elections, so their spending suspension may be taken a bit more seriously than mine. "We're feeling taken for granted," the union's president, Harold Schaitberger, told The New York Times, which seems reasonable—after all, they don't just donate money and support Democratic candidates; they also fight fires, in peoples' homes. IAFF's dough will now go to state and local-level candidates, especially in states where unions are being threatened by Tea Party jerkoffs. Expect Senate Democrats to respond by sucking up extra hard to rich people. [NYT; image via AP]
On tonight's Report—after poking fun at Haley Barbour's pre-entrance exit from the 2012 presidential race—Stephen Colbert defended candidate Mitt Romney against charges that he'd gaffed by suggesting America was in a "peacetime" state. Among other things, Colbert explained, "Congress never officially declared war on any of these countries, so technically, Romney is right—our soldiers are just spending a semester abroad!"
Many have credited Jon Stewart with helping to finally push the long overdue James Zadroga 9/11 Health And Compensation Law—which provides health care for afflicted first responders—through Congress. So when he heard about a seemingly unconscionable amendment to the bill that requires the government to make sure the heroes aren't terrorists before providing them benefits, Stewart was understandably angry. And on tonight's Daily Show, he let it be known.
Hey, did you know that NBC premiered a convoluted, Christina Aguilera-headlined singing competition called The Voice tonight? Because, you know, it's not like the network promoted the hell out of it for two months straight or anything. Anyway, as we predicted, the show kind of sucks, and here are two clips—from before the "blind auditions" even started—to illustrate the point.
Donnie Wahlberg isn't just an actor and beloved member of New Kids on the Block. He's also an organ broker! Not in the traditional, wake-up-with-a-huge-scar-in-a-hotel-bathtub-filled-with-ice way, either: Wahlberg helped a fan find a 100-percent legitimate new kidney, using only Twitter.
Be aware! Despite what you may think/hope, shooting a gun at a reality show is, in fact, illegal, as 40-year-old Las Vegan Carlos Barron learned on Monday night following an unfortunate altercation with the seven-person crew filming Spike's Repo Games. It seems Barron had been yelling at the driver of a van parked in front of his home; the Repo Games crew allegedly saw him hit the driver, and approached to intervene. Barron responded by drawing a handgun and firing "multiple shots." He then barricaded himself in his home before fleeing through a window, eventually being apprehended by a police dog. No one was hurt in the incident. [Las Vegas Sun]
If you have no fixed address, and are unsure about where to send your kids to school, do not send them to Brookside Elementary in Norwalk, Conn., where a mother was just charged with larceny for illegally enrolling her son.
