Stephen Colbert knows that Mitt Romney will be the Republican candidate for President and that there's no turning back once Super Tuesday comes and goes. In preparation for the inevitability, tonight on the Colbert Report, he launched 'the Countdown to Loving Mitt.'

On tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart recapped the inane time-killing methods that the cable news networks, specifically CNN and Fox News, had to employ during last night's coverage of the primaries. The Fox Newsies argued about home state vs. native state and Anderson Cooper took a walk to a gigantic glass cube to get no new information whatsoever. Good times all around.

A Dutch group called the Levenseindekliniek (Life-End Clinic) announced plans to roll out a mobile euthanasia team starting this week.

It turns out you can stumble upon Great Walls of China any old place.

Time to throw a Wedge and No Bra Party; Kelsey and Camille Grammer's bitter custody battle is at an end.

A former Los Angeles City Commissioner, 63-year old Al Abrams, made his first court appearance this afternoon to answer to charges of possessing and distributing child pornography even though he totally didn't do anything wrong. The real culprit was his split-personality, which, coincidentally, also manifests itself as 63-year old Al Abrams.

Typical men: As soon as they see something women have, they have to have it for themselves. Like thong underwear and mangagement rings. So it is with a couple of Pinterest clones which aspire to be "Pinterest for men."

Meet Tim Barter, a 32-year-old British "visual effects director" who sustained a 25-foot fall in 2009 and had the resulting dent in his head with a titanium plate and stomach fat by doctors at Kings College Hospital. (I've got a call in to see if they can turn stomach fat into biceps. I'll let you all know.) On the downside, one side effect is that you end up looking like someone who was on Australian Big Brother. [HuffPo]

According to Utah Senator Orrin Hatch, "President Obama has traded in the hard hat and lunch bucket category of the Democratic Party for the hipster fedora and a double skim latte." Fair enough. [tips hipster fedora and raises double skim latte toward Hatch in recognition]

Nice.

Welcome to my new favorite/least favorite Tumblr, Roach Party: "I'm currently keeping four different roach colonies. Lobsters, Dubias, Hissers, and Turkistans. I do plan on obtaining some other species in the future." Here we have "a hisser giving birth!" Yo, nature is gross. [Roach Party]

So, there's about a one-in-eight chance that sometime in the next decade the sun will unleash a massive solar fart and blow up the internet and all the computers, more or less:

China: the "Far East," where four thousand years of cultural evolution has culminated in a battle to see whether The Mighty P'zone™ or the Big N' Tasty™ will become the national meal of choice. McDonald's has an outside-the-box new advertising strategy to woo the wary Chinese: telling them that McDonald's food is not a monstrous blight upon the concept of dining.

This Oscar winner blames an on-set injury for why he can't please ladies in bed and another actor had a week-long sex romp with a Real Housewife, but was too stoned to get hard. This friend of Whitney's is back on the drugs and this actress is offering to sleep with directors for work. Let's hope some of the takers aren't limp.

You probably know that today is Leap Day — but do you know when the first Leap Year was? Check out these 10 amazing, unbelievable facts about Lead Day!

Now that teen smoking rates are in decline and rap music has been throughly mainstreamed, the only thing to worry about re: America's Children is whether the internet and smartphones are turning their brains into piles of frozen yogurt. Internet experts say: Maybe!

Like The Awl's Carrie Frye we found ourselves riveted by Reuters writer Chadwick Matlin's live-tweeting of last night's meeting of the Park Slope co-op (sadly not the upcoming meeting on the subject of Israeli food, which promises to be even more enthralling). So riveted we felt a duty — a calling — to share it with our readers. Please enjoy:

Bloomberg's Max Abelson, who's carved out a fantastic beat providing Wall Street types with lengths of hangman's rope, has another fantastic story today, this time about the tragic lives of bankers dealing with smaller bonus checks. (Spoiler alert: some of them have to do their dishes by hand.)

On tonight's Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert took a moment (in his one thousandth show) to profile two young Republicans who are about to burst onto the national scene as they have already proven themselves perfect ideologues in Colbert's view. Indiana's Bob Morris is opposed to the homosexual cabal that is the Girl Scouts and New Hampshire's Kyle Jones who opposed mandatory a mandatory lunch break. The future of the GOP is bright indeed.

If you are a barred owl and you can understand these words, know this: your days are numbered.