Huma Abedin, Anthony Weiner's wife and a top aide to Hillary Clinton, just returned home today from a week-long trip to Africa. She drove into her house early this morning and has not left since. Dun Dun DUNNNNNN.

Is Catholic-filled Catholic University a "den of sin," infested with more STDs than your average koala bear? One can scarcely draw any other conclusion, based on the fact that the school's president now believes he must forcefully segregate students of opposite genders from one another, lest all this hot, hot sexxx continue unabated.

Natalie Portman had a son last night, officially making her the world's hottest mother. Also today: A scary plot to murder the singer Joss Stone, Nicolas Cage owes us a house, and lots of royal couple news.

This singer isn't just cheating on his wife, he's getting naughty with one of his daughter's good buddies. Slumber parties must be a blast! This acting couple puts on disguises and donates time to charity. How disgustingly wholesome!

Here's an awkward scenario: Muammar Qaddafi's eldest son, Muhammad, throwing London 2012 Olympic Games ragers in Britain, attending high profile events, and maybe even scalping some tickets for a little extra cash. It could happen! The Telegraph reports that the Libyan Olympic Committee, which is headed by Muhammad, has been granted nearly 1,000 tickets to the Games, and they are free to sell them "at a 20 per cent mark-up."

Is your child's summer camp a bit too... Kenyan, let's say? Don't worry! There's still space at the weeklong "Tampa Liberty School," a camp designed to help children aged 8-12 learn about important concepts like Freedom and The Gold Standard.

Disastrous Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark finally, really, actually opened, believe it or not. No one died, or anything! Guess who showed up? Julie Taymor, the director who was forced out by producers just a few months ago.

Last week, Republican presidential hopeful Tim Pawlenty introduced what he called the "Google Test" to fix the nation's economic problems, which he explained thusly: "If you can find a good or service on the Internet, then the federal government probably doesn't need to be doing it." So, does Pawlenty's big idea actually work? On tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert tried to find out.

It's always nice to hear about politicians who respond to their constituents personally. Even if those responses are barely coherent expressions of resentment and ignorance!

Last night, CNN's John King moderated the first Republican primary debate of the 2012 election season. High on theatrics, like King's stupid "This or That" questions for each candidate, the debate had many critics. And as you'll see in the above clip from tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart wasn't all that impressed either.

The Iranian government, which last year banned the mullet, calling it a "decadent western [hair]cut," is reportedly deploying some 70,000 literal fashion police to enforce the newest style Dos and Don'ts of the "moral security plan." For women, this means no more loose-fitting headscarves, tight jackets or exposed leg skin; for men, no necklaces and no shorts. (Also, no "glamorous hairstyles.") Last year, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad voiced his disapproval of the recent crackdown; earlier this year, the Iranian parliament attempted to ban dog ownership. [The Guardian; image via AP]

Who would have guessed that the guy behind "The Most American Campaign Ad Ever Made" would also make The Most Racist Campaign Ad Ever Made? Everyone, probably. Everyone could have guessed that.

After ten years of widespread bitching, the U.S. Army has changed its official combat uniform, replacing the black beret—which is hot and difficult to put on, not to mention very early-2000s—with the rather more fetching patrol cap, which was standard until 2001. The beret will still be a component of the service uniform, and units that wore berets before the change—Rangers (black or tan), Special Forces (green), Airborne (maroon) and Joni Mitchell (raspberry)—will continue to rock theirs. [Army Times; images via AP]

House Majority Leader John Boehner is calling for Anthony Weiner's resignation. This does not bode well for Weiner, as even his fellow penisy-named congressmen have left his side!

The little lady's got some heat on her, fresh off of one hit and onto a potential second one. Also today: Tom Cruise likes 'em big, two actors join the fight against the zombies, and J.Lo might J.Go.

According to Time magazine, a special prosecutor tasked with investigating CIA personnel for torturing and murdering detainees during the Bush Administration has convened a grand jury and started issuing subpoenas.

Another Anthony Weiner picture has emerged! A tipster writes:

New York's state senate is set to vote on a bill legalizing gay marriage this week, the New York Times reports, and if just one more Republican state senator signs on, it will pass. The state assembly has already passed several gay marriage bills, and Gov. Andrew Cuomo has pledged to sign one, so the senate is its only hurdle. New York would be the largest state to legalize gay marriage.

Following rumors of a "sex tape" last week, LeAnn Rimes took to Twitter to say she'd "never filmed [herself] having sex on tape, period." That may be true! But someone has a private tape of Rimes in her underwear, and he's posted some screengrabs online.

If you lock your iPhone behind a passcode, there's a good chance you've chosen from one of just 10 extremely common combinations. It's time to switch to something that actually protects your data.