Tonight, Stephen Colbert opened the Report with a segment about Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann and her kindred spirit, gay rapist clown serial killer John Wayne Gacy.

Thanks to the unfortunate luck of 12-year-old Wade Schlote of Colorado, we now have a clear protocol on what to do when a moth crawls into your ear as you sleep, painfully lodging itself deep inside your ear canal and refusing to die. Take note.

On tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart delivered what was (hopefully) the final smackdown of his ongoing war with Fox News over everything from the network's selective editing to its habit of making false statements.

Someone (God?) gave Pope Benedict XVI an iPad, and today he became the first pope to Tweet (that we know of) when he announced his plans to exhume Pope John Paul II and put his corpse on trial. Just kidding! That was a different pope.

Oh, no! Erotic photobloggers and magazine interns everywhere were rocked with the news today that microblogging service Tumblr was the site of a prolonged "phishing" attack that seems to have stolen thousands of Tumblr logins and passwords. How will we ever be able to trust our favorite dogs-wearing-human-clothes blogs again?

Did Lady Gaga siphon off charity money that was supposed to go to victims of Japan's tsunami and earthquake? Who knows. But she certainly didn't let the controversy interfere with a trip to Japan last weekend to perform in a benefit concert and make a number of media appearances.

Here's a trailer for Mission: Impossible: Ghost Protocol ("ghost protocol" is the word for "four" in video game). It looks just like the last Mission: Impossible, so... awesome!

Did you hear that Obama wants to spy on all the doctors to ensure that they're utilizing proper Kenyan medical techniques? No? You must be getting your news from the liberal media establishment, then!

Nokia recently held a competition for filmmakers to make a short movie using one of their new phones. The winner was Splitscreen: A Love Story. It's cute, clever, and gorgeously shot, no matter what sort of camera director JW Griffiths used.

Zynga, the maker of FarmVille and other Facebook games, is expected to file for its initial public offering tomorrow or shortly thereafter, seeking a valuation of $15 billion to $20 billion. It's one of the tech bubble's most rational IPOs.

College fraternity Sigma Alpha Epsilon—"Same Assholes Everywhere," if we remember correctly—was just hit with a $25 million lawsuit over the death of a Cornell first-year, allegedly thanks to a hazing ritual gone wrong.

A young woman who works in show business emailed 15 friends last week with a tale about meeting director Quentin Tarantino at a party. She made out with him, took sexy pictures in a photo booth, and watched him whip out his "short," "fat," "nub-like" penis. She then had foot fetish quasi-sex with him, she claims.

In this breathless roundup we celebrate the healthy return of a 1990s staple, we ruminate on the future of the Green Lantern franchise, we ponder Twilight's power, and we watch some deleted scenes.

Heart exercise! Male infertility! Blood transfusion! Belly fat! Boomer exercise! Smashing drumsticks! Fidget fitness! UFC games! And the Ultimate Fitness System, revealed! It's your Tuesday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—begrudgingly!

Bars exist for people to hang out with their friends, watch the game, unwind, and maybe play a game of pool or pick up a bit of strange for the evening. What bars are not for are all your silly games that are not only annoying, but dangerous. People are getting sued!

Did you hear? Glenn Beck got jumped by a pack of ravenous urban liberals last night! Or did a drunk person just accidentally spill wine on his wife? You be the judge.

We've all wanted to get back at our significant other's awful ex, but Natasha Larson went a little too far. She posted a personal ad on Craigslist posing as her husband's ex, posted her name and address, and told men to come over for quick, easy sex.

Taliban suicide bombers rushed into a "Western-style" hotel in Kabul Tuesday night, and at least one has blown himself up at the entrance. Details are hazy, but ABC reports that at least "four explosions have been heard and gunfire continues." Police estimate that there are up to six bombers and gunmen. The Intercontinental is apparently a venue of choice for many visiting foreigners — dignitaries, reporters, businesspeople, and other types that the Taliban does not care for.

On Sunday, people in northern Spain performed El Salto del Colacho, or "the Devil's Jump," a tradition in which men dress as yellow "colachos" and jump over local babies in the street.

Google Plus understands you're nervous, baby. That Facebook, he cheated on you, embarrassed you, and keeps promising to change. But you can trust Google Plus. He's different. Really! Dump Facebook and tell all your friends about your new, richer social network.