Wills and Kate visit Canada, only to be shouted at. Paris Hilton and the director of The Hangover remind us why we never, ever want to go to an L.A. nightclub. Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber play patty-cake. This is what the Founding Fathers fought for: Monday gossip.

Writer Tristane Banon will bring attempted-rape charges against former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn over a 2002 incident. Banon's mother, a Socialist Party politician, convinced her not to file charges at the time; Banon first made the allegations publicly in 2007.

John Luckett asserts that the lawsuits he files all the time, against everyone, are not "frivolous" at all. "I've just had a bad experience of the whole world trying to screw me. I have had a lot of horrible things happen," he tells the Las Vegas Weekly.

Some citizens of Fox Nation have been brushing up on nonprofit tax law and filling out paperwork ever since a fellow Fox national invited the public to file IRS complaints against Media Matters for America, the nonprofit that criticizes their favorite news channel for lying about everything all the time.

Everyone welcome Thad McCotter to the race for the Republican presidential nomination! Who? you ask. Well, according to our notes, McCotter is a... congressman from... Michigan who, let's see, is supposed to be sort of funny? (According to Andrew Breitbart McCotter is "blunt, sarcastic, pop-culture-savvy, constitutionally sound and an authentic voice.") Also, he looks vaguely like my AP US History teacher, so he'll definitely have the Princeton High School class of 2003 vote locked. Oh, and the issues! McCotter's "themes" are: "The challenge of globalization, the war for freedom against terrorists, the rise of Communist China and whether moral relativism erodes a nation built on self-evident truth." McCotter announced his bid for the presidency yesterday at the "WAAM Freedom Fest," where he also played guitar. [Detroit Free Press]

Fred Quigley, an Army veteran from Ohio whose flag-flying preferences became a source of contention between him and his homeowners association, has gotten the association's permission to fly his flag on a pole. He's happy, though lawyer-beholden. [Image via AP]

Back in the aughts, actor and former jeans model Jack Scalia set up charities to benefit both 9/11 victims and military vets. The charities raised some money, but apparently distributed less than they received. Where did all the money go? Scalia doesn't know—he was busy.

While sorting books, Reddit user unmoderated found a copy of New York: Behind the Scenes, a 1939 guide by Lee Mortimer, and scanned the very valuable "Young Lady in Manhattan..." section (apparently part of a larger "Family in Manhattan" chapter). It's fascinating. And, admittedly, a little out of date ("unescorted ladies might as well hang themselves after ten p.m."), though the job market for young New Yorkers doesn't sound all that different from now:

Since Tea Partying hostess-with-the-mostest Rep. Michele Bachmann declared her presidential candidacy, Dr. Marcus Bachmann—her gay-barbarian discipline-advocating therapist-husband—has been drawing heightened attention on his own. Some people, including famous-type ones, think maybe Bachmann's a gay barbarian as well.

Kyle Richards thinks that the ban on pornography and erotica enforced by the Macomb County Jail—and, to a lesser extent, the absence of video games in individual cells—amounts to "cruel and unusual punishment," and is therefore unconstitutional. Is he right?

Lindsay Lohan celebrated her 25th birthday without drunkenly embarrassing herself! Tom Cruise also celebrated a birthday—either his 49th or his 75 millionth, depending on whether you're counting human or Thetan years. Also: Tina Turner shot Randy Jackson, once! Sunday gossip is here.

Not content with calling the hotel maid accusing former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn of rape a whore just the once, the New York Post has doubled down on its charge that she worked as a prostitute. And this time, they've got another single, anonymous source... from the prosecution!

Sara Duterte-Carpio is the mayor of Davao City, Philppines—a place recently hit by flash flooding. She's probably a bit stressed out by all the devastation and tragedy going on in her town. Or maybe she's just someone you don't fuck with, ever.

Just after New York approved same-sex marriage, the Brown Coffee Company of San Antonio, Texas (does Texas allow same-sex marriage?) posted a Twitter that seemed not-so-coincidentally homophobic. People got mad, so Brown's clowns took that Twitter down and apologized. But they weren't sorry for long (ka-ching)!

The America-hating buzzkills at the NYPD confiscated some 5,000 pounds of fireworks this year (everything "from sparklers to professional pyrotechnics"), leaving many New Yorkers without even the chance to injure themselves or set their apartments on fire. But at least the department had the decency to film the destruction, which took place yesterday in the Bronx. Next year, guys, maybe you can spring for HD? [NYT]

Sean Gittens is an Army veteran who was rendered mute and partially paralyzed during a blast in Iraq in 2008. A nonprofit wanted to build him a new house in an Evans, Georgia community—but the homeowners association stopped construction because of bullshit reasons that kept changing!

After a three-day adventure in the wilds of New Jersey, officials were able to tranquilize and capture a baboon that had escaped from Six Flags Great Adventure. The monkey seems to have had a grand adventure, traveling across backyards, down highways, and over a golf course on a general course east, possibly toward Manasquan, which has one of the nicer beaches on the shore. Thus far Great Adventure is unable to confirm, officially, that the baboon is a resident of its safari park, but spokeswoman Kristin B. Siebeneicher said it "seems likely that it is one of the Safari's baboons." We should hope! [ABC6; Newark Star-Ledger]

This year Nathan's Famous annual Fourth of July hot dog eating contest features a separate contest for ladies, because they realized that some hotties enjoy eating gross things just like dudes do, and it's the 21st century, and they're progressive.

Legislatin' and all-purpose politickin' is hard work, which is why liquor can sometimes become a valuable tool in a stressed-out lawmaker's relaxation repertoire. They understand this in Ohio, where people are boozing more than ever—and where the state Capitol building will soon feature a full-scale bar.

Was everyone at Google stoned when the company was placing bids on a collection of Nortel Networks patents that it could've really used? Because here are three of their bids: $1,902,160,540; $2,614,972,128; $3,141,592,653. Yes—that last one is Pi billion dollars.