Cats and the internet: They go together like peanut butter and jelly. But until now, we could only enjoy online cats in the most passive of ways. No more! Thanks to the iPet Companion, you can control robotic cat toys at humane shelters around the country with the click of a computerized mouse! You can even move the camera around. It's really fun!

Reluctant to have your little ones participate in a demonic (but delicious!) pagan ritual? Then choose to celebrate Jesus Ween this October 31st instead. Jesus Ween is not, in fact, a celebration of Jesus's ween, but rather "a non for Profit Organisation [sic] also known as JesusWin...focused on helping people live a better life."

Feeling a little jumpy around the NYPD lately? Worried they might use their new surface-to-air missile technology to take out a mouthy Gossip Girl star? Well, fret not. Only Mayor Bloomberg could make the final call for an air strike.

Selectively senile media magnate Rupert Murdoch has set up a special "hotline" for staff to report any "illegal activity" they spy around the various News Corp newsrooms. Which of course raises the question: Is the hotline tapped? And if so, will Murdoch-owned tabloids be the first to get scoops on News Corp employees who are about to be arrested for their shady journalistic practices? Because that ouroborosian arrangement could keep him in scandalous headlines for years to come.

Septuagenarian comeback kid Woody Allen told U.K. talk show Daybreak, "If I was in a room with Michelle Obama, and I thought she was right for a part, I wouldn't hesitate to ask her." And he isn't just whistling out of his clarinet hole with that offer: He cast Carla Bruni, wife of French president Nicolas Sarkovy, in Midnight in Paris after having dinner with the couple.

Speaking at the Council on Foreign Relations in New York on Thursday, shit-canned former head of the United States Army, Gen. Stanley A. McChrystal, said that the war in Afghanistan is a botched operation:

Where some see loss, others see opportunity. That would at least appear to be the case at the Apple store in Little Rock, Arkansas where two mourners who had come to pay tribute to Steve Jobs noticed something unusual: that the store was being robbed.

A federal government crackdown has issued shutdown notices to 16 California marijuana dispensaries — part of a larger effort by the Obama administration to curb the fast-spreading weed trade, which now makes finding some indica easier than a Venti latte.

Yes, our beloved football friends may yet live. Also today: good news for an American Horror Story, bad news for an American idol, and James Bond has a new title.

Japanese toilet maker Toto has invented the world's first Toilet Bike, which converts human poop "harvested directly from the driver" into biogas, Treehugger reports.* The seat is a toilet, so if you ride it with your pants down, you could theoretically defecate while you ride, thereby fueling it.

Here's a trailer for Young Adult, the new movie from Juno collaborators Diablo Cody and Jason Reitman. Do those names send chills through your spine? Good ones, or bad ones?

Michelle Obama is gathering hundreds of children at the White House tomorrow to attempt to break the Guinness Book of World Records record of the number of people doing jumping jacks at the same time. She's part of a push by National Geographic Kids to get more than 20,000 people around the world to do jumping jacks for one minute at the same time.

In your weary Thursday media column: a fun cokey journalism blind item, Steve Jobs makes the media work, plagiarism at the Examiner, micromedia evolution, and layoffs are coming to the BBC.

Filthy rich Hollywood power players, they're just like us: totally embarrassing dancers at weddings.

The misinformation dissemination league known as the National Organization for Marriage has made three asinine movies from New York town clerks who quit their jobs rather than issue same-sex marriage licenses after the state legislature made them legal this July. Now they're claiming it's "persecution."

Hank William Jr. has had it with the political correctness of the Hitler-ish ESPN sports television corporation. You will never hear his "Are you ready for some football" song on Monday Night Football ever again. He's refusing the to lend the economy his productive services, now, after being treated so badly for sharing his political views on Fox & Friends Monday morning. Either that, or he got fired.

After their massive, permitted march yesterday, a few hundred amped-up protesters staged an impromptu march on Wall Street, storming their symbolic enemy at around 8pm for the first time since the action began. Here's some video I shot.

And, like clockwork, PR-addicted porn company Vivid Entertainment makes Amanda Knox an offer she can refuse: "We would like to offer her the opportunity to be our vivid.com spokesperson and represent the studio at trade and retail events.This would involve no nudity or sex. Of course we would welcome talking to her if she wants to pursue this direction, but the decision is totally hers to express." So, booth babe at porn conventions? Lame. I've come to expect better from your stunt job offers, Vivid. [TMZ, image via Getty]

A hair stylist in the U.K. has opened a salon especially for bigger-boned clients. Apparently plus-size women don't like going to regular salons? Is that really helping or is it part of the problem?

Today, President Obama was asked today what he thought of Gossip Girl star Penn Badgley (oh, and thousands of others) marching against corporate greed and economic inequality at the Occupy Wall Street protests. He thinks they are "expressing their frustrations."