America's finest colleges and America's finest corporations aren't all that different: they're both sitting on huge piles of cash, complaining about the economy, and soaking you, the consumer, for all you're worth. Simultaneously!

The folks who run Camden County, Georgia are weighing a hot new proposal in the reemerging market of slave labor: Inmates as firefighters! Get it? You get the inmates to put out the fires, and then you don't have to pay firefighters. What's not to like about this depressing tale from the age of austerity?

Today is Columbus Day in case you weren't aware. What a stupid holiday! Nothing against Columbus (other than the fact he was a dirty colonist who killed off millions of Native Americans) but taking an entire day to celebrate him is a total waste. And there's a whole list of other holidays and celebrations we should get rid of. Let's look.

The wheezing gophers over at Fox News' Fox & Friends spent a good deal of time this morning talking about the Occupy Wall Street protests, and then, as a service, decided to "give us a flavor" of just who's doin' this crazy thing.

The Republican party's latest affection in its presidential candidate speed-dating process, Herman Cain, is not and does not pretend to be this cycle's "foreign policy candidate." He doesn't want to be, and you can't make him! Instead, when quizzed about international relations, he will just mock his own lack of knowledge. That's his winning charm, maybe?

According multiple reports on Twitter, overgrown College Republican James O'Keefe is at Occupy Wall Street, filming one of his political make-em-up videos. Come on, James, this is so predictable. [Updates below]

Well that's it! After approx. six hundred and twenty-nine episodes, the third season of Bravo's documentary about prison escapees has come to a groaning end. What was all brightness and warmth ended in rot.

There are questions among the hacktivist collective Anonymous whether today's planned attack against the New York Stock Exchange's website in support of Occupy Wall Street is an elaborate trick to entrap participants or smear the movement. Whatever! It's still apparently kicking off less than two hours from now.

In an abandoned Army base on the edge of the California desert, hundreds of recession-weary Americans camp out and wait for the hard times to blow over. Life in "Slab City," with no plumbing or electricity, is deemed preferable to life amongst the driftless unemployed masses in the wider world. Where is your Slab City?

Rick Perry's high production value filmmaker (whom Perry stole from loser Tim Pawlenty) has released his latest, scariest opus, just in time for Satan's birthday, Halloween.

Yup, the boxing robot movie was top dog robot this weekend, with little competition in sight. Politics came in second and, somewhere far down the list, lurched the human centipede.

Two of America's straightest men had a nice hang the other day. Also today: Leo cozies up to even more models, Bree Olson quits the game, Prince Harry eats a burger, and Melanie Griffith eats a hotdog.

Of all the arguments Occupy Wall Street critics' deploy, the most entertaining is the issue of public health and sanitation at the protests' headquarters. As they tell it, the protests are a steaming pile of human excrement, used condoms and sinfully bare breasts.

Girls—the middle school denizens who think they're so cute but they're not—are so stupid that they fill up their lockers with all types of dumb decorations, according to a report today by the New York Times.

This actor made an advance on his costar by barging into a trailer in the buff. These two famous gentlemen are into the booger sugar and this television set is full of drama. Let's just hope they have locks on the trailer doors.

Bad news for those of you planning to ride out this recession on a diet of peanut butter and jelly, spread atop tiny Saltine cracker "sandwiches," consumed by candlelight in the single dry corner of your leaky urban squat, as the howls of alley cats and junkies serenade you with the symphony of the night: peanut butter is now out of your price range.

In China, authorities don't fall for all those Wal-Mart okey doke bait-and-switch now-you-see-it-now-you-don't sleight of hand shell games, so to speak. They know your pork is cheap ass pork, Wal-Mart.

It hasn't even been a month since Netflix announced it was renaming its DVD-by-mail services Qwikster, and yet the company has already decided to shit-can the whole plan. Aw! Splitting into two companies and confusing everyone seemed like such a good idea.

Ohio police have arrested at least three men suspected of participating in a string of break-ins in which the victims have also had their beards and hair cut off and stolen. Authorities believe the mastermind behind the attacks is "renegade bishop" Sam Mullet, who leads a tiny Amish sect called the Bergholz Clan.

Mimes: What are they good for? Oh, so many things! They bring laughter and joy to everyone who encounters them. They help the white makeup industry stay financially afloat. Sometimes they make precious balloon animals. And most importantly, they know how to combat traffic in high-density urban areas, which is why Caracas, Venezuela has just unleashed 120 of them into the streets.