Donald Trump only picks winners, according to Donald Trump. He is so busy picking winners that he has no time to hang out with losers. So... that's why he's joining destroyed presidential candidate Michele Bachmann for her campaign's "tele-townhall" today? A winning move, by all measures.
The Food Network's resident lightning strike victim Guy Fieri, host of the popular carb porn show Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, is, shockingly, a complete jerk. According to one alt weekly anyway.
You know all of those dumb jokes about how Herman Cain, former Godfather's Pizza CEO, just thinks about pizza all the time? Well here's Herman Cain himself making one of them 20 years ago at the Omaha Press Club. The difference is that his joke — a performance of John Lennon's commie song "Imagine" but with lyrics about pizza — is rather well plotted!
Last week, a two-year-old girl wandering in the street in a market in Foshan, China, was hit by a van. The driver stopped for a moment and continued on, rolling over the girl again with the van's rear wheels. Over the course of the next seven minutes, as she lay in the street bleeding, 17 passersby walked over and around her—one truck ran over her again—without helping.
In just one month, Occupy Wall Street organizers have raised nearly $300,000 thanks to online and in-person donations. And that's in addition to the hundreds of millions of dollars that have been secretly donated by George Soros and Stalin's ghost.
Lindsay Lohan heads back to court. George Clooney's girlfriend "debuts" in a see-through dress. Robert Downey Jr. demands forgiveness for Mel Gibson. Monday gossip turns to a life of crime.
Young people: will they ever stop evincing their painful ignorance of life's fundamentally tragic nature? Everybody old enough to pay taxes and be killed in a foreign war should understand that what we call "life" is nothing but an endless treadmill of mind-numbing and unfulfilling work followed shortly thereafter by the loss of one's mental faculties, and death.
This actor's marriage is on the rocks because he got an old girlfriend knocked up. This rapper is having unprotected sex with fans and this actress is paying for her sister's medical bills. Are they for prenatal care?
Though they had spirit and moxie and other youthful energies on their side, the kids of Footloose proved no match for Real Steel's battle bots in the box office arena. RIP, Ren.
What is that highly trained squadron of commandos charged with tackling life's thorniest situations and defeating the scariest malefactors in our society, the Los Angeles SWAT team, up to now? Oh just getting robbed for a bunch of machine guns, by malefactors! I guess commando training doesn't include irony appreciation, which is quite an oversight!
Facebook's tracking scandal has mushroomed into a niche industry of sorts for privacy lawyers. The company now faces at least nine suits filed by people who oppose the company's use of cookie technology that tracks users' online activity even after they've logged out of their accounts. Expect a few more suits to follow.
That Starbucks harbors classist attitudes against hard-working hobos and even harder-working Starbucks employees has been well-documented. Now a French anti-racism group has accused the universally beloved coffee chain of decorating its outlets in France with anti-pickpocketing posters that "targeted a minority."
That's the UN Population Fund's latest global population projection, which confirms population predictions made earlier this year. As you might have noticed, our species hasn't been making jobs like we've been making babies, which presents some issues. Don't worry, though: catastrophe's not necessarily inevitable. Not even in this global economic climate, with all the unemployment and stock market speculation on food and hunger. Somebody will get to fixing that stuff up ASAP. So just have some more high-fructose candy corn and relax.
Here's a veteran, identified as U.S. Marine Sergeant Shamar Thomas, confronting New York Police Department officers during Saturday night's protests to ask them why they've been arresting Occupy Wall Streeters instead of defending the right to protest. A valid question! "How do you sleep at night?" he asks them. "There is no honor in this."
In an incident similar to the Great Roommate Buttering Caper of May 2011 in terms of messiness, domestic disruption, and—perhaps most remarkably—the involvement of a woman named Dawn, a Chicago wife has been arrested for hurling cupcakes at her husband during an argument. How sweet it isn't! ("It" being a difficult-sounding marriage.)
