No law enforcement agency in the world is better than our own FBI when it comes to thwarting terror plots that never would have come to fruition anyhow, because they consisted mainly of pitiful people sitting around boasting to FBI informants. The latest triumph by our domestic anti-terror heroes: saving America from a bunch of old Georgia loons who sat around the Waffle House talking about their big assassination ideas.

Every so often, New York City gets a new Subway Hero. Usually, it's some dude who, at great peril to himself, jumps onto the tracks to rescue someone who's fallen down there. But that's been done. Let's give it up for the latest subway hero: the Groper Smacker!

Today the New York Times tells us the infuriating story of Todd J. Remis—a New York City man who is suing the studio H & H Photographers because he would like to recreate his wedding, and have it photographed the right way. He is being an idiot.

Sounds like last night was another eventful one for the demonstrators of Occupy Oakland. After yesterday's general strike, during which anarchists who seem to hold a grudge against $10 tempeh loaves defiled the sanctity of a local Whole Foods, protesters occupied the local Travelers Aid building, danced in the streets, and hung an "Occupy Everything" banner, reports ABC.

When Sonoma County resident Teri Weissinger showed up at the San Francisco International Airport with nothing but her luggage, a plane ticket to Idaho, and $30, she had no idea she'd end up spending more than a week there. What the hell happened?

Every autumn for the past three years the well-intentioned senior boys and girls at Quincy High School in Quincy, Massachusetts have gone around sticking dozens of cheap plastic flamingos in people's yards along with signs asking for $20 donations. They call their activity "flocking." It's a harmless alternative to flash-robbing and other popular teen pastimes.

You know that woman from Oregon who got naked and crawled inside a dead horse to both "feel one" with the animal and also pose for puke-inducing highly artistic photographs? The Seattle Weekly tracked her down and discovered that her project—which prompted a police investigation—was inspired by none other than Han Solo, the dashing Star Wars character. Go figure.

Ben Clifford Dawson is an 83-year-old resident of Centerville, Iowa who is running for city council. He is also a prostitute! At least according to police who arrested Dawson on Wednesday after a 10-day investigation concluded he "offered to perform sex acts on a woman in exchange for repayment of a loan" and then "began kissing her neck without consent." By the looks of his mugshot, he enjoyed it. [KTVO News via Fark]

Police in Paterson, New Jersey announced on Wednesday that they'd arrested three men wanted for viciously assaulting two men with a machete inside a restaurant back in September. How'd they do it? They posted the surveillance footage on Facebook in an effort to crowdsource the investigation.

The head of the TSA told the Senate Homeland Security Committee that airport screeners find an average of five guns per day packed in travelers' luggage.

One day, years from now, Jennifer Christine Harris will scroll back to this week on her Facebook Timeline and regret everything she sees. (She'll also be, like, "I still don't get the point of Facebook Timeline. The interface is so confusing and the pictures are way too big!") The Des Moines native was arrested for having allegedly set fire to the home of Nikki Rasmussen, an old friend, while Nikki and her husband Jim were fast asleep. The person Jim instantly suspected was Harris, with whom his wife was having an ongoing dispute. It had played out on the pages of Facebook.

After spending last week on Broadway, South Park moved downtown tonight with an episode satirizing Occupy Wall Street. After failing a fitness test that brought down 99% of the class, one-percenter Cartman tried to save his stuffed animals from the crowd's misplaced anger as the disenfranchised masses occupied the parking lot outside a Red Robin. You can see how it all ends in the highlight reel above.

Here's a plan that should offer foolproof results: Shorter University, a Christian Baptist institute of higher learning in Rome (Georgia, not Italy, but same difference, really) has sent all 200 of its employees a "personal lifestyle pledge." The pledge promises that the signee will refrain from all acts of homosexuality — as well as lesser transgressions like adultery, premarital sex, doing drugs, and drinking in the presence of students — but mainly homosexuality.

Here's a delicious template for peace in the Middle East: Coney Island Bialys and Bagels — at 91, the oldest bialy shop in New York City — was on the brink of shutting down after the founder's grandson had called it quits. But the bialys will live on, thanks to two Muslim businessmen harboring a deep fondness for the ways of the shmear.

Even though the cost of having a pet in the U.S. is skyrocketing, Americans aren't abandoning their cute little companions. In fact, many pets are now living more comfortably than unemployed humans and on tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert proposed a pretty unique solution to the financial problems plaguing so many Americans: If you can't beat the pets, be the pets.

When Jon Stewart covered Herman Cain's sexual harassment scandal on Monday's Daily Show, the story was in its infancy. As media coverage of the allegations spread, so did the number of inconsistencies in Cain's story, and tonight Stewart took a look at the GOP presidential candidate's ever-evolving statements on the scandal.

Here's William Adams, the Texas court-at-law judge who was filmed beating his 16-year-old daughter with a belt, giving an interview to Corpus Christi's KZTV. Think he could come off any less sympathetic after the abuse video? Think again.

Here's the trailer for 21 Jump Street, the latest in a long line of incredibly good, successful, award-winning, hilarious, and terrific movies that take beloved (or at least, well-remembered, in a fond if kind of vague way) old dramatic television shows and turn them into comedies involving vomit jokes. It stars skinny Jonah Hill!

Who leaked the Herman Cain sexual harassment allegations? isn't just Encyclopedia Brown's worst book—it's also a question that incredibly annoying people are asking, right now! Cain's living-comedy-skit campaign manager Mark Block was just on Fox News accusing the Perry campaign, in his characteristic "intense neighbor reads demands to police while keeping family hostage" way. (See above video.) Yet the Perry campaign denies Block's accusations, and suggests that the Romney campaign is the true culprit. A shocking twist! Cut to commercial! But, okay, who's the real culprit? Why not Herman Cain himself? After all, the allegations launched the guy into his biggest 24-hour fundraising stretch. So, him or Bugs Meany. [Fox News, CBS]

A handful of anarchists besieged an Oakland Whole Foods a few minutes ago, after false rumors circulated that managers had threatened employees with termination if they participated in today's Occupy Oakland general strike. Whole Foods hasn't seen such strife since the Great Kombucha Shortage of 2010!