Consider the state of the pitiful American Man: beset on all sides by Spanx and fancy shampoo, tricked into doing crunches and grooming eyebrows, bereft of any healthy masculine role models. Gone is the American Man; in his place, the American Bro. And he is desperate to commune with his own kind.

Pippa Middleton steps out with two, yes two, boys at once. J.Lo had a lovely holiday with her new hunk. Jennifer Aniston and her beau nearly ran into Brad Pitt. Justin Bieber's fake babymomma's ex boyfriend is causing drama. Monday's gossip needs relationship advice.

We've all been wondering: What's with that guy who looks like a vegan Hells' Angel giving an icy stare on top of Wikipedia these days? He took some time to answer the internet's pressing technical/hair care questions.

The writing, so to speak, was on the wall, and now, it seems, what we all feared most shall, in fact, come to pass: our brothers and sisters on Wall Street—from the 18th floor to the 80th floor, from the fixed income desk to the investment banking division, from Goldman Sachs to Lehman... no, Lehman is dead... to WaMu... no, I mean, you know what we mean—well, they're all suffering, that's all. Just like the rest of us. It won't be a pretty Christmas this year on Wall Street. Not with paychecks projected to drop (*scary music*) as much as thirty percent!! From the WSJ:

Americans are reportedly 20 pounds heavier, on average, than we were in 1990. Wha? Were people really so fine, in 1990, outside of In Living Color's The Fly Girls? It's okay, though; we've made certain... psychological adjustments. We now have raised our self-reported "ideal weight" by ten pounds. No matter how big we get, our problem is just those last ten pounds! From a new Gallup poll:

This Twilight star cut his body out of the posters and has people snort coke off of it? This singer did crack with homeless people on Thanksgiving and this mogul has a thing for burgers. We all have our drugs!

On Thanksgiving Eve, Andri Lynn Jeffers allegedly walked into a northern Arizona gas station and demanded money from the cashier. When he turned Jeffers down, she announced that she had a bomb underneath her sweater and threatened to blow up the place, like how they do on teevee.

But first the comedic/folksy/funky/sugalumpy duo needs a story, says Bret McKenzie (the non-bespectacled half). You don't have much going on these days—maybe you should write one for them. Just don't make the jokes "too Wellington." [Image: Getty]

High-school student Emma Sullivan has decided not to follow her principal's orders and write an apology to the Republican governor of Kansas, Samuel Dale Thinskin Crybaby Brownback, for tweeting that he #blowsalot. She was only speaking the truth. Apologizing would be phony and politician-y.

Occupy Philadelphia was supposed to evacuate its OnePercenterville by 5 PM EST Sunday. On the opposite coast, Occupy LA was supposed to tear down its camp Monday at 12 AM PST lest their tents turn into pumpkins, and their protest footwear turn into Nike child-labor shoes. But as we type this, both Occupies are still occupyin'.

When Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from neanderthal Kris Humphries on Halloween after only 72 days of wedded bliss, many were shocked. But after watching tonight's premiere of Kourtney and Kim Take New York, even someone as dumb as Humphries himself should be able to see that the marriage was doomed from the onset. To illustrate that point, I made a video of the episode's most contentious Kim vs. Kris moments, which you'll find above. [Kourtney and Kim Take New York]

Every day, celebrities across the world are followed and photographed by the omnipresent paparazzi, often to entertaining results. Here are some of our favorite shots from the past week.

It's the Golden Rule of Pop Divadom: Thou shalt throw shade upon your contemporaries (so long as they aren't in the room). So consider this sprawling supercut by Rich Juzwiak the Holy Bible of Diva Cuntitude. Each clip contains a Whitney, a Mariah, a Madonna, etc., talking smack behind another one's back, followed by a clip of the gossiped-about diva talking about another diva, and so and and so forth, until it all devolves into a cannibalistic diva free-for-all, where all that's left is a pile of bones and pearly teeth and silicone inserts and Dior shoes and Versace gowns. It's very entertaining! [FourFour]

A decade-old recording has surfaced offering damning evidence against Syracuse University first assistant mens basketball coach Bernie Fine, who stands accused of molesting three men years ago when they were children. The school has responded to the bombshell by firing him:

Bob Simon profiled Angelina Jolie on tonight's 60 Minutes. In addition to stating that she once dreamed of being a funeral director, Jolie also shared that—given her past transgressions—she's surprised to still be alive: "People can imagine that I did the most dangerous, and I did the worst, and for many reasons, I shouldn't be here."

What should have been just another sleepy Canadian Football League alumni luncheon in Vancouver on Friday turned unexpectedly violent, when Joe Kapp, 73, former quarterback for the B.C. Lions, got into a fight with his longtime rival, 74-year-old Angelo Mosca, former defensive tackle for the Hamilton Tiger-Cats.

This video shows members of the Pima County Sheriff's Department SWAT Team executing a search warrant at the Tucson, Arizona home of Jose Guerena Ortiz: an Iraq War veteran and young father whom they'd suspected belonged to a family-run drug trafficking ring. It captures perfectly how the drug war has been a tremendous failure.

According to the Daily Mail, "Britain's most feckless father" is a 34-year-old unemployed man who has already produced 15 babies to 13 different ladies, and has two more babies on the way. His name: Jamie Cumming. Commence Beavis and Butthead-style chuckling.

As Governor of Texas, Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry enacted a policy of providing in-state tuition for the children of illegal immigrants, thereby not completely alienating the country's fastest-growing populations. For this, he was roundly punished by the Republican electorate. But he has a secret weapon: America's favorite fascist Joe Arpaio!

In America, land of the pizza-vegetable and the 24-hour chicken meal, kids who get "too obese" can now be taken from their homes and placed with foster families who receive personal training assistance not made available to their own parents. This is happening right now!