Click to enlarge. [Image via The Daily Mirror]

• Naomi Campbell pitches a fit at the tents and, just like that, saves Fashion Week from utter irrelevancy. [R&M]
• When he's not too busy being fake gay with pals from Queer Eye, stereotypical celebrity chef Rocco DiSpirito is allegedly "grabby and stalkerish" with the ladies. [Page Six]
• Lloyd Grove honestly expects you to care that the Olsen twins' bodyguard, Foster Zeh, was once involved in some insurance fraud mess. As long as he keeps our little rat girls safe, we don't care what he's done in the past. He's a hero in the here and now, as far as we're concerned. [Lowdown]
• Yellow Fever designer Jamison Ernest likes to give his single lady friends a present they truly need: a Rabbit vibrator. Is a pity dildo better or worse than a pity fuck? [Page Six]
• Britney's baby boy has the initials PMS. Do with this information what you will. [NYDN]
• Apple Paltrow, whose mother Gwyneth won't let her near instant soup, is a big fan of Jay-Z. The precocious tot actually knows all the words to 99 Problems. [Scoop]

It's not today's story about supermodel Kate Moss, who the UK's Daily Mirror has photographed hoovering coke, that has us all worked up. She's a fucking model, for chrissakes, and joined at the butt to rocker Pete Doherty, who's addicted to substances we don't even know exist yet. OF COURSE SHE DOES COCAINE. Welcome to Fashion Week 1978!

• Courtesy of The Daily Show's extra footage, it's author Kurt Vonnegut's unaired list of liberal crap he never wants to hear again. [CC]
• Does even the fashion set find fashion underwhelming? Can we not rally for Fashion Week fabulousness? Or did Katrina wash away our sense of style, too? [NYO]
• NYC IS EDGY, so much so that your Vitamin Water may be made of Drano. [Release the Kraken]
• Not even confetti dares to touch Vogue editor Anna Wintour. [OAN]
• Because sucking off Vincent Gallo in Brown Bunny simply wasn't enough, actress Chloe Sevigny has now taken on the role of a nun-ho. [Cinematical]
• Foxy Brown is being sued by designer Tanya Manderson, who alleges that the rapper falsely accused Manderson of beating the crap out of her in a bathroom. Clearly, the guilty party was actually Naomi Campbell. [KGET]
• And, finally, another devastating blow to The Gays: Central Park's famous homo penguins have broken up, as one chose to explore a relationship with a female. [ChiTrib]

It's more tragedy from the Fashion Week front: Last night's Surface to Air/Estuay/Tokion mag party was crushingly shut down, forcing hundreds of greasy, hip folk to evacuate the Gallery on Elizabeth. And with nary a Cobrasnake photog in sight!

• Tyra Banks: Supermodel, television producer, daytime talk television clown. [Four Four]
• Sadly, the many faces of Tyra didn't lead to stellar premiere ratings; Martha Stewart and Judge Alex (whohuh?) had equally lackluster numbers. [Mediaweek]
• If you're a "party girl," you can live on West Broadway in lovely Soho, with other "party girls," for a mere $500 a month! Dealer fees not included. [Craigslist]
• The most frightening fundraiser ever. [HuffPo]
• Behold the scenes of Fashion Week, which look increasingly like recruitment posters for Al Qaeda. [Daily Transom]
• Get to know your new LES skyline. It'll compliment the forthcoming Starbucks quite nicely, we think. [Curbed]

An enterprising reader figured out the secret to getting into any fashion week event in the city, and he shared it with us, so we're sharing it with you. We have no proof the following exchange, to get on the list for the H&M David LaChapelle party tomorrow night, is really true. But we also have no reason to think it isn't:

• American Media Inc. publisher David Pecker has been shelling out some hefty amounts of cash to suppress any negative coverage of California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who had signed on executive editor of AMI's muscle mags. Good thing tabloids or politicians don't really depend on ethics, or else this just might be scandalous. [Page Six]
• Hip-hop mogul Damon Dash complains about overexposure and Vogue editor Anna Wintour skips a day at the tents in favor of the U.S. Open? HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD?! [Lowdown]
• And, predictably, the crunchy furries at PETA have directed their ire towards the fur-bedecked Vogue queen. Golly, it must be Hate Anna Week. Someone should have told us. [R&M]
• You may find this hard to believe, but Baby Phat designer and medicinal marijuana activist Kimora Lee Simmons behaved like an "ogre" backstage at her Saturday night runway show. [Page Six]
• Pussy-loving actor Elijah Wood adores the Elijah Wood is Very, Very Gay website as much as we do! For once, we are actually proud of a celebrity. [Scoop]

Yes, we've been to a few fashion shows, so we do know that the wait for the first rawboned orphan to come stomping down the runway can be somewhat interminable. But is it really so bad that Vogue editor Anna Wintour's daughter, the friendly looking Bee Schaffer, had to drag along her 7-pound copy of The Iliad? We're appalled Wintour would even let someone of her bloodline be seen with such a thing; intelligence is such an unattractive accessory. Bee could have at least found a nice fur trim for the book, something to make it a bit less ghastly. Tsk, tsk.

Just days after the devastation of Hurricane Katrina and four years to the day of the attacks on the World Trade Center, tragedy has struck yet again. During the finale of last night's Diane von Furstenburg Spring 2006 fashion show, an entire bank of lighting fell on the audience, injuring several high-profile guests. The Daily breathlessly reports:

Apparently Fashion Week had its official kickoff last night at Radio City with the Fashion Rocks concert, but large venues are so tacky. The real action is, predictably, in the lineup, and especially regarding the celebrity collections. Gwen Stefani's L.A.M.B. line has snagged the coveted Friday 8 p.m. slot, previously held by Jennifer Lopez. Meanwhile, Destiny's only Child Beyoncé Knowles has pulled her line from the shows, as it undoubtedly sucks.

It's the most wonderful time of the year: Summer dwindles to a close, the boiling stench of Manhattan becomes slightly less putrid, and suddenly the streets are lined with stick people and glittering with cocaine. Why, it's time for Fashion Week!