Tom Coburn, conservative senator from Oklahoma, is retiring to tend to his health. We wish him well. He is famous for his congeniality to liberals, a terrific beard, some professorial spectacles, and a cascade of arch-right verbal utterances that make early homo erectus look urbane.

It's being heralded as the "best office farewell email ever," but, as some are pointing out, it's mostly a rip-off of the classic "fuck you, you're cool" scene from Half Baked.

After successfully predicting all seven of Germany's World Cup games as well as the final, Paul the octopus is retiring from the oracle business: "Paul will get back to his former job, namely, making children laugh." [AP, image via AP]

As of tomorrow there will be no more Apple tablet rumors to swirl around and debate endlessly — the damned thing will finally be announced. In memory of the esteemed journalistic practice, here are today's final speculations.

Shallon Lester, the NY Daily News gossip girl who caused some hard feelings by trying to land her own reality show and posing for crazy magazine covers, quit today. To become a music flack!

Everybody say goodbye to NYPD officer Patrick Pogan, famous for shoving a rider off his bike for no good reason—he's been fired. He'd probably make a better Benedictine monk, anyhow. Pogan's classic moment below:

Thanks for joining me this week as I guest edited Valleywag. Mssr. Douglas will be returning to Valleywag on Monday for more typo-free, grammatically-correct, carefully-proofread rumors and scoops. I had a lot of fun writing it, and had even more fun going back changing its to it's.