According to the new issue of the National Enquirer, Republican political operatives are investigating rumors that Texas senator Ted Cruz has had extramarital affairs with at least five different women.

Abigail Sailors nearly missed out on the tip of a lifetime because she's simply too damn happy.

What would you ask Santa if you were a fourth-grader? What if you'd never written to him before, because you're Muslim? There's some things you'd want to clear up, right? Things like... how. This kid did a pretty good job, though:

What is this shit, Perry? Here we've got the third Rick Perry ad of this week, and what does it tell us: nothing. No, strike that: It tells us something. It tells us that the Rick Perry campaign is just going to spend all of that money it raised this summer on worthless bland ads until there's nothing left, and he can finally peace the hell out and return to his beloved Niggerhead.

Could it be that the real reason the world economy is in the tank is not the tax-and-spend liberals perniciously penalizing The Rich for their success—but instead, the wrath of a vengeful god? Yes. The god one is correct.

Ancient pop singer and spiritualist Madonna has long been associated with Kabbalah, a mystical, Jewishy sect. But she recently had a falling out with Kabbalah's leaders after the whole Malawi school debacle, so she's been on the hunt for something new. And it looks like she's found it: Opus Dei!

According to Gallup, Four in ten Americans—and 52 percent of Republicans—believe "God created humans in present form within the last 10,000 years." Ah, the Enlightenment! The age of science and rationality! It was fun while it lasted.

Today we looked at some dumphead from the American Family Association and his brilliant no more more mosques anywhere, ever campaign. Naturally this stirred the commenting cauldron, with one reader in particular offering an insightful personal rumination.

It's Blonde on Blonde as Katherine Heigl revives an abandoned Reese Witherspoon project. Rachel Weisz is in a spooky murder film. Howard Stern really is in talks to judge American Idol. God help us all, it's the Trade Roundup.