My kids were talking at dinner about the fictional characters Butterbean and Sparkleface.

"We've just had a nonsense midterm election," basic bitch Thomas Friedman writes today. "Never has more money been spent to think so little about a future so in flux. What would we have discussed if we'd had a serious election?" Well? What???

Sarah Lawrence is America's most expensive college. It'll cost you a cool $59,000 to send your whelp there to sit shoeless on a grass lawn, becoming a lesbian. Why so pricey? The school's president has all sorts of dubious explanations.

Remember those five thousand dead blackbirds that "rained" on Arkansas? Well, as it turns out, "they don't have very good night vision" and "it looks like maybe they got startled... ran into each other, fell to the ground and died."

Three years later, Naomi Campbell is defending wearing this series of couture outfits to performer her court-ordered community service for hitting her housekeeper in the head with a Vajazzled cell phone. The explanation is even worse than the act.

Those UFOs over Manhattan may have been a clutch of balloons from a Westchester engagement party. Congratulations, you scared the crap out of New Yorkers for a day! On their 10th anniversary they'll plant a fake bomb in Times Square.

Hey, everyone. Are you guys having a good Yom Kippur? Wait… You don't know about Yom Kippur? The Jewish day of atonement? Let this ignorant Jew try to explain without even using Wikipedia.

Why have six meteorites hit the house of 50-year-old Radivoke Lajic over the last six years? "I am obviously being targeted by extraterrestrials," he said. Obviously. Lajic says he doesn't know what he's done "to annoy them." [Daily Telegraph]

ESPN is airing an hourlong teevee special tonight, for basketmaking machine Lebron James to announce which team he's going to sign with. To get this, ESPN ceded near-total control of the show's advertising (and reporters' question-asking!) to Lebron. The explanation?

Zachery Kouwe—the New York Times business reporter caught plagiarizing portions of stories from other news outlets and press releases—resigned yesterday. Nobody was more surprised that Zachery Kouwe plagiarized (at least) a half-dozen times than Zachery Kouwe himself.

Earlier this evening, a video was posted to YouTube of Wyclef Jean addressing questions that have arisen regarding his charity, Yele Haiti, their financial history, and their ability to impact disaster relief efforts right now.

Good morning! Welcome back from the long holiday weekend. If you're like us, you're probably wondering why pictures of Michael Showalter and Michael Ian Black are the first things you see at the top of the home page. It's a glitch, we're told, that's running art from two different ad campaigns on the site right now. Update: the whole thing has been taken down until the issue is resolved. Thanks, ad folks.

This whole alleged David Letterman "extortion" plot? All a big misunderstanding.

Schlitz-grasping cargo short sporter Tucker Max has finally figured out why his movie, Penis in a Beer Cozy, was a financial failure.

Giuseppe Cipriani fled left the country last year in the wake of a scandal over alleged shady dealings regarding a liquor license for his celebtastic restaurant. He's not "on the lam," see. He simply could not take Bush any longer.

David Spade, a real human with a real human heart, is so wounded by the criticism of his new ad "starring" his dead pal Chris Farley that he's come forth with a heartfelt statement from his flack.

Let's not forget that the hero Iraqi Shoe Hurler was a journalist before he became a footwear projectilist. A certain portion of his colleagues think he disgraced his profession. They're wrong. Let's go to Muntader's brand new explanatory op-ed!

Arizona has been on a crazy streak this week. Judge not, coastal elites; if you had vodka in your tampons and crystal meth in your highlighter, you'd be crazy too.

Well here's your last (Hopefully!) technical difficulties update: According to a memo sent out tonight by our IT team, the recent Gawker Media server problems were the result of a DDOS attack against Consumerist. [Image via]

The swim club in Philadelphia that turned away some African-American day campers fearing their presence would "change the complexion" of the pool, now says that over-crowding was the real issue and it all had "nothing to do with race." [NBC]