Hey there. Mind if I overshare for sec? Okay, so this morning I thought I'd slip out for a little siesta because it's 700 degrees in New York, but as soon as I reached my siesta spot, I fell into a deep, black pit of brooding and could hardly drag myself back. No, I was not drinking. Here's the problem. After all this time and so many executions some commenters still don't fucking get it. I know, I know, I'm supposed to ignore the stupids and the mean-freaks but the fact is it's just me for two days straight, only 12 to 15 items per day and every fucked-up, wrongheaded comment feels tremendously amplified. So for the very few of you who still don't understand that we have rules here, I am going to ask you to at least observe the following.

Hello commenters. Our Jack Ketch is away on a vacation of sorts this week, so he was not able to supply us with a list of the damned. I guess we'll just have to improvise. People were on mostly good behavior this week, save for a few rapscallions who made uncalled for attacks on our sister site Jezebel. They've had their knuckles rapped and have atoned, so we'll let them live to see another day. But we know how you love a public execution, so we've scraped together a couple of sorry souls who will perish for your amusement, after the jump.

As Mother Ketch, god rest her soul (I killed her), always said, "The world needs ditch diggers, too." I never did fancy she meant commenters. Ones who make a stupid comment, then get themselves in deeper trouble by either constantly defending their stupidity, or being stupider. It's like watching a performance art piece, if "art" was defined as "displaying a lack of cognitive function and/or social decency." Follow me after the jump, and witness two doomed souls considerate enough to dig their own graves.

Memorial Day. A holiday to honor those who selflessly (well, except for the ones who were drafted and/or not all that into the whole dying thing) gave their lives in battle. We do this through the grilling of meats, the quaffing of ale, and laying the foundation for malignant skin cancer. In my time, we had no Memorial Day, mostly because we were too busy trying to eke out a meager existence to give a shite about how many men the King lost in John Churchill's latest endeavor at cementing his legacy as the greatest military commander in Christendom. (It's not like he had to kill people AND write a post about it every Friday, but whatevs.) In October, we would commemorate our victory at Agincourt where we opened a cask of whoopass on the French, but that's not the same as this austere holiday now upon us. Regardless, in honor of this holiday of yours, no one shall be killed today.

Hey, hey, hey! It's time for some people to calm the fuck down... Abbe Diaz. I don't care who you are or what you've published—this kind of ad hominem, personal commenting-attack won't be tolerated here, because it's unintelligent and immature. And also, because I said so. The monkeys may be running the zoo here—but luckily, I'm one of them. That's all.

Last night, as I settled into my favorite chair, the one upholster'd with the skin of ill-temper'd puppies, I was content. Her Grace Sheila had taken care of some unpleasantness earlier, and I thought my work was done for the week. I was content to merely sharpen my axe and watch the uneven yet amusing season finale of The Office. But I was interrupted by the incessant vibrations of my Blackberry. (Lovely technologickal advances in 2008.) All these elecotronick letters pointed me to the same post. It seems that some of you just don't get it. Here at Gawker, we don't anonymously slander the physical appearance of others. If you continue to feel it necessary to mock those you find unattractive, you will no longer be welcome here. However, mocking the stupid things that people do is wholly encouraged. For instance, feel free to dance on the graves of the sodding twits listed after the jump.

Bet you thought I was too nice to do this, huh? Well, I warned you. I warned that all fat-mockers of the Lucian Freud painting would be executed. And unlike the clean-fingered technicians of war, sitting in their laboratoriess building weapons of mass destruction, I'm not afraid to get blood on my hands. Doolittle—yours was a minor infraction, to be sure. But everyone else was so well-behaved—and, you sorta asked for it! (P.S.: No, I'm not Ketch. I just feel like putting down some law and order.)

Here at the gay liberal art school grad white people headquarters, we are, to a man, (or woman if you care to whine about such things) flawlessly beautiful gay liberal art school grad white people. Most of the time, this is wonderful. What could be better than a salon of erudite and sexy conversants, even if some of them are zombified and utterly annoying exhibitionists? It is a shame, therefore, that some of you have to be witless fops and find your insults of the appearance of others to be contributions most valid.

A few days yore, as I was sifting through the excrement of Fleet ditch the comments, an epiph'ny struck my pate. I, your faithful executioner, have fail'd you. I negleckted to explain the diff'rence betwixt a comment that pleases me, and a comment that makes me wonder if maybe I should give Buzz Bissinger a weapon and your home address. Prithee accept mine apology for such noisome oversight. After the jump, I shall present a full explanation for why you may be executed.

Farewell to Fred_Istare, anagram sam, Chief Wahoo, izzodee554, annasballs, Kelly Kreth, and SuperUnison. Your thoughts on the physical appearance of the crazy Dartmouth professor were HILARIOUS!! Prats.

This noble task, the killing of the sinful, is not as easy as one may suspect. It is with a heavy heart that I ply the tools of my trade: the axe, the noose, the adorable little "kill kill kill" button that you all have next to your names. Trust that I do not take such responsibility lightly. For instance, I thought about executing everyone who doesn't like Tina Fey. Yet then I realized that tolerance—even of the incredibly stupid—is a virtue. But I am virtuous only to a point. Therefore, the really incredibly stupid lie headless after the jump.

In my time, we had famous, celebrat'd men known as playwrights. Today, these savants are known as "baristas," or "homeless people." The most famous of all, Sir William Shakespeare, in an early draft of one of his most famous sonnets, wrote: "All the world's a stage, and it's time for some of you to get the fuck off." Appropriate, methinks. Past yonder jump hang this week's condemned.

Some of you may have seen some recent comments by Jack Ketch, who speaks in olden tongue and scolds you for scurrilous commentary. Starting today, Mr. Ketch will be acting as our official executioner, much like the real Jack Ketch of old. As we laud five commenters every week in the Commies, he will dispatch five troublesome typers every Friday. Everyone has a reprieve this week, but be on your toes! Jack will be lurking in the comments, giving you warnings of possible doom. Then, next Friday, five heads will roll.

Hey surfbeavernsb! Calling some random stranger a "fatty" one time may be considered sort of funny (if it's in the right context of course! don't kill me!), but mocking some not actually fat woman something like nine times in one post is just stupid. So, ya clipped. I don't care if it was "ironic" or whatever. And if any commenter says what I suspect at least one commenter will say, they're outta here too. Update: Say goodbye to KikiRiki as well, for this.

Just as St. Patrick drove the snakes from Ireland, four thousand years ago today, we are expelling some commenters on this fine Irish morning. Some were nasty or offensive, others rather obtuse and pigheaded. Some were nominated by you, others sealed their own fate when they hit "submit comment." Others still remain, slithering their way around the site, but rest assured that we'll catch you. Now, where's our parade? Find the banished after the jump.

Commenter executions are fun, aren't they? We've got our eye on another few people who need to get the ax, for offenses ranging from sexism to plain old not being funny. So we'll definitely be doing some dirty work ourselves, but we'd also like to get you involved this time. Lately a lot of you have been complaining about "newbies" and whatnot, bemoaning the lowering of old standards that may or may not have ever existed. So, much like the commenter-awarded Party Pick each week, we'd like your choices for the commenters that need to go; the ones that really irk you, have offended you, or have never made you laugh. Leave your ideas below, and we'll follow up with a later post. Oh, and do make sure your reasoning is, you know, thought-out and as objective as possible. No personal attacks, please, or you might be executed yourself.

Hey it's been really easy of late. We let lots of commenters in recently, prematurely perhaps. It wasn't a mistake! (We rarely admit when we've made one of those.) But it's gotten a bit crowded around here. And because it's March, we've decided to do some spring cleaning. Goodbye to the following commenters. We come to bury you, not to praise you. Hopefully you can come back to us someday.

On Saturday we posted about gay Britney Spears supporter Chris Crocker, who in his latest video angrily laments about the "homophobosphere", i.e. gay bashing on the internet. And some of the comments! They got nasty! So nasty, in fact, that The Gay Recluse posted the most objectionable ones and wrote responses to them. Thing is, we don't really disagree with him. So, we're gonna go ahead and say goodbye to a few of you "more stupid than funny" commenters who wished disease and/or death upon this troubled young lad or made the same tired old tranny joke. See you next time: PartyVan, DiabetesExplosion, TheSuper'sSon, and AceInTheHole.

As Isaiah Washington processes the complex feelings about his high-profile axing from Grey's Anatomy, downgrading himself from "mad as hell and not going to take it anymore," to the far more reasonable, "saddened, but will gladly work with the powers that be to see if there isn't some third solution out there that better suits everyone's interests," questions still linger as to who ordered the whacking and when. According to an AP report, it was not the decision of Grey's showrunner Shonda Rhimes—who "wept" when she made the call on Thursday—but rather a troika of high-ranking ABC studio and network execs: