This is the end of National Etiquette Week. Did everyone use the right fork when they were at dinner last night? Glad to hear it. But there are still a few matters that we need to clear up.

Things narcissists do to embarrass themselves on the internet: post embarrassing self-portraits on Facebook, beg websites to use cuter pictures of them, and edit their own Wikipedia pages.

Tim Ferriss, the self-help guru behind the '4-hour Workweek', is a god to bros who dream of fashioning themselves into blisteringly efficient Web 2.0 business robots just like him. Ferriss' obsession with self-improvement means that the way he deals with people who aren't himself is to basically be as big of an asshole as possible in the service of his own quest for perfection. So it's no surprise that his solution to an overflowing inbox is as considerate as a 120-pound kettleball to the nuts.

Everyone hates it when other people eat on the subway. It stinks. It's gross. Just stop eating your takeout food on the subway, people. (Does not apply to me, if I'm hungry).

In case you've forgotten, the Republicans control the House of Representatives now. Yes, the American one! But do they remember how to greet foreign dignitaries and other fancy people after their four-year exile in power? Not really, so John Boehner had to send a staffer to etiquette school.

Heartbreaking news from America's schools: children are approaching their teachers to ask what they should do now that their parents are unemployed. How embarrassing. Parents, don't let your kids blow up your spot. Talk to them about their newfound poorness.

We don't usually involve ourselves with questions sent to advice columnists, since the advice columnist genre is all used up. But as a public service, we feel compelled to address the matter of Handling Mistaken Sexy Instant Messages.

It's cold as hell in the Northeast today, and it's been a crazy winter pretty much everywhere. This means we're spending a lot of time talking about the weather. How can you do it without sounding like a hackneyed idiot?

On top of being a terrible singer and the ruin of American Idol, Jennifer Lopez is a crappy tipper, too.

According to The Wall Street Journal, no one uses "dear" as a salutation when writing emails, because it is "girlie." This makes writing email so confusing! Luckily, we're here to help, with a guide to letter-writing in the 21st century.

Everyone is in a tizzy because Barack Obama dared to wear flip-flops while on vacation. Really? Just so there's never confusion on this matter again, we're going to break down the rules for when it's appropriate to wear them.

Most Americans spend Thanksgiving with their families. That's great, except sometimes the conversation can be strained, awkward, or downright contentious. Here's how to keep the peace and have something to talk about until the pumpkin pie is served.

Flight-ditching flight attendant Steven Slater is sharing his advice on how to behave like a civilized adult while traveling: "We're more likely to dote on refined customers than we are the T-shirt and flip-flop crowd." Can't argue with that.

Talk show host Jimmy Kimmel had the brilliant idea to declare November 17th National Unfriend Day, when Facebook users should cull the unnecessary from the ranks of their friends. Here are the first people you should cut.

New York is set to issue new guidelines on how restaurants pay their workers. New recommendations: $5 per hour wages, mandatory tip pooling. Our hardworking servers deserve more! Some suggested justice-based restaurant worker laws, below. Add your own!

At a street fair in DC last week, a police officer shot and killed some guy's dog. Some called it "cowboy gunslinging"; others said it was necessary. What we know for sure: it's time to argue about dogs in public.

Have you ever gone into a Starbucks and cursed their fake "Venti, Grande" size names? Sure. Gimme a "Large," amirite? And have you ever had police remove you from Starbucks for arguing about bagel-related grammar? Anyone? One lady has!

Nurses: can you trust them? Of course not. Don't be a fool. Sure, they may save your life; but if you think they're not going to gossip about you on Facebook afterwards, you're naive. It's been documented!

I can't wait to go see Inception this weekend, but all your chatter (thanks, Max) is threatening to ruin it for me. Can we set some rules about how to have a proper discussion about a hotly-anticipated film?

Shells is just like a graffiti artist: "borrowing" someone else style, coopting it as his own, and posting it illegally. So why is this new movie by Bablegum and something called WBP Labs seem like the sort of bland public service movie that your seventh grade social studies teacher would show you and that's supposed to be edgy and talk to "da kidz," but is really just the same old morality play? Don't get us wrong, we want to keep people from clipping their nails, eating, preaching, and doing other horrible things on the subway too—remember, people, only you can prevent subway horror stories—but this lame little clip doesn't do his project justice. Seriously, Jay, you deserve better.